A Queen of Many Minds

Standing in front of a gold-plated mirror, Clemede straightened a loose clump of fur, pulled her shoulders back, and felt ready to go to the banquet. She blinked once, and suddenly things began to feel strange. She saw two Clemedes. Three Clemedes. Things began moving. Daddy appeared in the mirror. As much as she didn't want to close her eyes, seeing her father, her eyes betrayed her, slipping shut...

Can I come in, Your Majesty?
Why do you insist on calling me that?" Clemede replied angrily, motioning to the guards to open the gold-plated doors and reveal her advisor standing impatiently in the hallway.
Madam, you are the queen, after all, but this is no time to have that debate again. It's time for your weekly medical evaluation. Sit.
Clemede sighed audibly, an unanswered question coming to mind as it did every week: why does my advisor have to be my doctor too? Of course Aure, like all Maukets serving Irucien's royal family, had basic medical training, but was this really necessary? Clutching the base of the tasseled burgundy sofa, Clemede lowered herself onto the leather, emphatically kicking her feet up onto the silk foot pillow for the final touch of annoyance. She continued to fidget – adjusting her crown, her cloak, her scarf – until it was Aure who waited for her with his clipboard ready and his eyes glazing over.
How are we doing today?" The same question as last week, with the same annoying use of the word 'we'. 'We' both know that neither of us is especially thrilled to be here.
Clemede, please try. We're not going to talk today. I just want you to close your eyes, and try to remember, okay?" Clemede nodded, sensing the lesser of two evils standing before her. "All right. It's a snowy winter morning. You're twelve years old. Relax, Clemede. You're twelve years old. This was the first snowfall of that year. What do you remember?
It was foggy. But I could see some of the icicles on the castle towers.
Good. You woke up, looked around, and then?
My window was open, the big arched one on the balcony, and the cup of water on my nightstand was frozen. So I closed the window and then you came in with my cloak. It was the crimson one I had when I was younger, except it was about to wear through, because you put it on my shoulders and it wasn't nearly as warm as I expected.
I took you to your father.
Yes.
Was he in his bedroom?
Yes.
Clemede?
He…" Her breath caught. "No, I suppose not….he was on a sofa much like this one, except it was emerald-colored, in his office." She paused. "Everyone turned away when I walked in, and Daddy made this low, cautious noise, very unlike his normal booming, laughing greeting." Her face suddenly grew more flustered, her brows clustering in consternation and her jaw clenching.
What did he say?
Clemede replied in a subconscious imitation of her father's throaty speech. "I must leave you now, but I will always be around if you think hard enough. I trust you, and your mother, to do as much as you can for Irucien, and all will be well.
And?
Aure's prompting was met with a quick reaction from Clemede, her speech rate quickly increasing. "And he left, he walked out, and he will be back. He will. He left. He's coming.
When?

Clemede closed the silk curtain gently, careful not to make a sound. It was the same golden curtain that had hung in her bedroom when she was younger, and still in fairly good condition – terrible condition for a queen, to be sure, but no one dared replace it. Clemede swore she could still see marks on the fringe about head-high, from when her father would sit with her until she fell asleep and then peel back the curtain in almost-eerie silence. Often he'd told her stories of her ancestors, but still more frequently it was stories about the laypeople, people who'd come to see him that day or just people he saw on the street who looked like particularly wonderful members of society. Clemede always wondered how he plucked people out of thin air and was convinced of their valor. Perhaps he did it solely to create a story, or perhaps he just saw the good in people. Or perhaps, just perhaps, he had a stubborn streak like her, like the way she insisted on things others said weren't there. Maybe instead of invisible objects, it was invisible traits.

Clemede dismissed that notion. No, he always told her she was special. He never said anything about himself. Sometimes he never said anything at all, just listened to the air in the room move. And once in a while, he would just offer up a few words of advice, and every time Clemede would hope it would continue into a story, but every time after he'd given his wisdom he would be captured by the soft arms of silence.

If you really need something, and I mean really need it, not just want it," he'd said, "find the star on the curtain and press it and close your eyes and will it to happen." For there was always a little detail on well-embroidered fabrics such as this curtain, one that shouted, "Extra time was spent on me, because you're worth it." And on the curtain lay a little white star, nestled inconspicuously at the very bottom edge, so that not just anyone could use it.

Aure came in with some medicine and toffee, apparently feeling remorse over the previous conversation. Clemede was sure of it, and smiled slightly. That's right, she thought. Don't go down that path again. Ever. They exchanged the usual pleasantries, outlined the events of the following day, and quickly bid one another good night. Aure shuffled around the curtain, hearing it ruffle behind him as he departed.

Clemede settled halfway into bed before pausing. She stole over to the curtain and opened it noiselessly. No one. Closing it as quietly as she'd opened it, she relaxed with the sounds of nothing filling the room like a silent opera – with their presence. And before her feet shuffled into bed, she touched the star and closed her eyes. Aure's plans won't happen, she proclaimed, her words echoing off the caverns in her head, for Daddy's arriving tomorrow. He will.

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Clemede's eyes opened again, and the image of her father was gone. She hung her head. Just one more time. One more. And her head spun slightly. Two Clemedes. Three Clemedes. But not her father this time. A quick glimpse of Aure, and her eyes closed. He looked funny...

Did he look at me funny? He just glanced at me, nothing to fret about. But something in those beady eyes… That glance was so quick, so sly – it's like he didn't want me to see! And then he turned away! And he didn't say anything. He always says something. Maybe he was just pensive. How pensive can Maukets be? He wasn't being pensive! Maybe pensive's not the right word. Maybe stealthy. He's probably up to something. How could he not be? He looked at me funny! He's plotting! Relax, it's Aure. My most faithful servant. But he looked at me funny! But sometimes he just looks funny. He's looked funny to me other times. Maybe he's plotting something. Plotting what? Plotting something big, something that would explain all those other looks.

Too many thoughts. Too many thoughts. I went into the kitchen for some tea and toffee. Maybe they would go away, stop punching each other, stop fighting to the death and hitting the walls of my brain and making it all hurt and making me crazy and making me crazy crazy crazy

He looked at me funny. He looked kind of sad. Maybe he's sad too that Daddy didn't come today. I told him last night that Daddy was coming. He knew. Maybe he was sad. But why wouldn't he just say he was sad? Well, maybe he didn't want to make me think about it more. But it's always on my mind. Where's my daddy? He's out there somewhere. He's fine, but where is he? Does Aure know? Aure knows! Why won't he tell me? Where's Daddy? WHERE IS HE? He knows he knows he knows and he won't tell me! Why why why why

Aure looked sad. But he looked kind of pleased too. Why would be look pleased? Daddy isn't back! He's still gone! Or maybe he's back and Aure knows! Daddy daddy daddy…no he would've come to see me right away. Yes, yes he would. I know it. And we would go in my room and he would sit on my bed except I would never fall asleep again because I never want him to leave again and he knows it's okay to leave when my eyes close and don't open for a while and it's never okay again for him to leave. Yes, he would come see me. I'm sure of it.

So he's not here. Aure must be planning something. What is it? What could it be? He looked at me funny! It's a clue! Or maybe I just saw it wrong. It was just a second. I didn't see it wrong. He looked funny. Why did he look funny? Daddy looked funny sometimes when he was worried, like when that guy with the furry eyebrows tried to take over and Daddy had to get ready. Daddy was ready though. It was all okay. But maybe Aure had something like that. No, he doesn't have furry eyebrows…but maybe there's another similarity? No, I'm being silly.

What if Aure had big furry eyebrows?

He would look stupid. But maybe it would work for him. No, maybe not. Maybe I should try them out on him. Except that that would be too scary, like the real guy was in the room.

What if he is in the room?

What if Aure is trying to be that guy?

That's silly. Aure is my best friend. But he's always been a little distant. WHERE IS MY DADDY? Aure doesn't know, that's right, I've been through this. But maybe he knows. Maybe he's doing something he shouldn't.

Oh my goodness. What if he's trying to steal Irucien from me? And then when he gets it he'll tell me he knows where Daddy has been all this time! No, no, this is absurd. Aure is my doctor.

What if he's trying to POISON me??

No, no, he wouldn't. But he wouldn't look at me like that! Maybe he would! Oh no oh no oh no Daddy I need you now I thought I could rule well enough for you to come back but if my own confidante is trying to supplant me I need you…Daddy, I'm scared! Daddy, he looked at me funny! He's coming to take over! I can't do this alone. I can't do this. He's taking Irucien and there's nothing I can do about it. He looked at me funny, that's all the evidence I need!

Divinity Interviewer: Divinity is here today to interview Her Majesty, Queen Clemede. Madame, thank you for being here today. How are you this fine morning?

Clemede: I'm pleased to be here, to be able to speak to the dear citizens of Irucien directly instead of them relying on nasty rumors for information.

DI: Great! Shall we get started with the questions, then?

C: Of course!

DI: So when you walked into this room - or actually, when you walk into any room - what is the first thing you notice about others?

C: The look in their eyes. No one can manipulate their eyes to lie for them, because eyes see everything, experience everything. They give us our human experience, and that great of a gift must have a cost: eyes are both a gateway to truth in the outside world and in our inner selves.

DI: I see. And is that what you want others to first notice about you?

C: Well, custom dictates that people be too busy bowing to make eye contact. But I do think most people subconsciously note others' body language, including eye contact. It is the rare person who notes such things consciously, I've found, and those who can are extremely valuable servants to our wonderful land of Irucien.

DI: So for you, is one sense more highly developed than another? Are you more visual, or audial, or do you rely on some sort of sixth sense?

C: Visual. The eyes stabilize the mind because the mind can invent things, but the eyes only show what's there. When hallucinations begin, that is when you've lost the eyes, you've lost truth, because the mind is too powerful.

DI: Interesting. So you've probably heard this saying before: Love looks not with the eyes, but the heart. What are your thoughts on it?

C: This is an odd question to ask a queen, mind you. But I believe love looks with the eyes and feels with the heart.

DI: Then how do you fall in love? At first sight or over a long period? And how often?

C: I wouldn't really know.

DI: So would you consider yourself a romantic?

C: *sighs at line of questioning* Queens don't really have time to be romantics, now, do they?

DI: Okay, enough about that. *laughs* Let's move on to other things. Tell me about your ambitions! Any career goals you're working towards, right now?

C: Just trying to leave Irucien better than how I found it. So we have to ensure everyone's safety, which is why we have stepped up security and instituted a few other changes. For all our innovation, however, we do not want to sacrifice the rich Irucien tradition, which is one of the many reasons our generals are working so hard on the battlefield.

DI: And any personal goals? Well, let me ask you this. In short, what is it that you want out of life?

C: That's a little intrusive, don't you think? But I suppose I can speak on general terms. I just want to keep my memories – of what, I will not reveal to the whole Irucien population, thank you! – and I want them kept as strong as if they were real. Memories tell us of past truths, of life from a younger perspective, of a more innocent era in our development, of what has made us develop. It sounds almost scientific, but science is supposed to tell us why, and memories only tell us what. They may help us learn how, but never why. Why floats around like a hallucination: it hovers around your face, invisible to everyone else, but haunting you and you alone. You can't get rid of it, because it is in the mind. Without the mind thinking of it, it doesn't exist, but once it exists, it never ceases. Life, too, should be scientific – it starts and stops – but there are so many layers to life that everyone lives differently, that some people feel like they're only living halfway, that memory must remind us of alternate lives we once lived and for whatever reason don't currently live. Memories show reality, but a dead one, and I find that these dead realities can be as painful as the reality of pricking yourself with a needle or something.

DI: How close are you to accomplishing these goals?

C: Well, of course I remember some things and forget others. I just hope that I'm not forgetting what needs remembering in order for me to learn what I can from what came before. I can't say how close I am – memory is elusive and ever-changing – but I can say that I'm trying, at least.

As for my goals as queen, I can say that our generals have been providing us with details of some unexpected bad luck, but that we are still in a position of strength on the battlefield in terms of numbers and tactical position. We all feel confident, both in the castle and on the front lines, that we are on the brink of the breakthrough we need to potentially return home.

DI: What factors are preventing you from accomplishing these goals, in the outside world and in yourself?

C: As I said before, some bad luck factored into our weekly progress on the front lines. And, as you all know, the medicines I have been taking – as purely a research subject for the scientists, remember – have led to some nasty emotional swings. [The medicine is actually for her existing mental problems (which create the emotional swings), but publicly she has stated that, out of loyalty to her kingdom and its people, she would personally test trial medicines before they were released to the public to ensure their safety. This was an attempt to counter the negative perceptions of her floating around the kingdom, while reassuring herself that her problems would not be publicly revealed. It also accompanied her emphasis on the security of the kingdom, appearing to citizens as an extension of that aggressive agenda.]

*when pushed for additional personal weaknesses* Well, I can't say much lest someone use it against me! *chuckles* But people do tell me I tend to talk very quickly when I get agitated, and I really do love storybooks more than I should – my father used to read to me all the time.

DI: Well, you've got to have some strengths, too. Tell me about them!

C: Well, I come from a wonderful background – generations of benevolent rulers have preceded me, you know – so I was raised well and groomed for the position. Don't underestimate that royal influence from the beginning! Besides that, I do remember quite a bit of information, thanks to a lot of practice, and I can discern liars quite well. I'm not naïve – I have a few close confidants, and those are the only people who know much about me. To them I will share a lot (it's only healthy, you know!), but I like to think I do a good job of protecting the kingdom over which I'm so privileged to rule.

DI: So when you were a small child, did you ever dream of becoming who you are today? Did you turn out the way you expected?

C: That's a funny thing about life, that so much can be known and yet life can end up so different than what was expected. I knew from the beginning what I was and would be, but I never knew what would happen to get me here. Nothing is predictable, even though some days you feel you know everything.

DI: If things could have turned out differently, then what is one thing you would change about your life?

C: *softly* I think we would all wish that His Majesty my father was still alive to lead us.

DI: How about your physical attributes? If you could change just one, what would it be?

C: I don't look as much like either one of my parents as I would've thought, particularly my mother.

DI: And one physical attribute that you're proud of?

C: I have my father's eyes.

DI: Well, I have noticed that! So, what do you like to do when you're alone? Any hobbies?

C: I don't have much alone time, but I do keep a journal. It's locked away in the many mysteries of the castle, of course, so no one who sees this interview ever has a hope of reading it!

DI: What about when you're not alone? Company in general...how do you feel towards it? Are you a people person?

C: I'm pretty guarded, going back to that whole issue of security and my few confidants. I have been taught to socialize well, but sometimes big events both scare me (so much elegance and so many people – it's just overwhelming!) and bore me.

DI: What's your best friend like?

C: Oh, Aure? You all know a little about our family's tradition of having Maukets. *lying* They're all pretty much the same after a while, performing the same duties, offering similar advice, providing similar care.

DI: And what about your family?

C: I don't have much family around to talk about, and those who I would feel comfortable discussing are already known to you and your viewers.

DI: Oh, I see. Time for a random question! If you could be an animal, then which animal would you be and why?

C: What an odd question! I suppose I would like to be a bird, because they can be so independent and fly under the radar whenever they'd like, but still sing beautiful music. No pun intended, mind you.

DI: That's interesting! Let's keep these random questions coming. What are you most afraid of?

C: Death. *refuses to elaborate*

DI: Well, that does sound scary! What do you want to hold dear to you? What do you value most in your life?

C: If I can make a lasting contribution to Irucien, and keep it flourishing throughout my tenure and beyond, that will be enough for me. However, I have always thought it would be nice to have a large family, with maybe five or six children.

DI: Well, I've kept you here long enough, Your Majesty. It was a pleasure meeting with you, and thank you so much for allowing yourself to be interviewed!

C: Indeed. This is not the kind of interview I'm used to, but I'm sorry that national security prevents me from sharing more about myself.

There comes a time in everyone's life when a decision has to be made. Oftentimes that decision has to be made quickly. But you do it because you have to, and you know that life goes on and everyone adjusts.

I'm not the smartest woman in the world - there are trade-offs that come with being born, you know. And even the smartest woman in the world can make a bad decision. Now, people disagree over whether anyone really makes decisions or if Fate makes them for us, or even if Fate makes us make a certain decision. But the fact of the matter is, things are decided all the time, and it's only natural that sometimes they go awry. And life goes on and everyone adjusts.

I am a queen, but my life isn't a fairy tale. Oh, if life were that simple...

I admit it, I left her. You would think that, with all my parents went through to have me, I'd never leave my own princess. And, while I regret it deeply, no one understands or appreciates the situational factors that forced me to fold. Now I fear that, if I try to reconnect with her, she will not be the Clemede of old... I mean, the Clemede I knew before. Stupid rhymes.

Clemede was my first and only child. I tried many times to have more children, but it was not to be. I had dreams that the evil man walked into my room and began to give me the same speech he gave my father. I always woke up, animated and yelling, but I knew eventually the dream would come true. Dreams are jumbled fortune tellers, a blend of colors and sounds and smells that may not be properly combined or ordered, but each of the individual elements remains honest. He entered my dreams, as he would later enter my daughter's. He knew I could not change my own dreams, and he knew what meaning I would ascribe to it.

Finally, he did indeed show up. My guards were on the alert, but he knew what was in store for him and vanished after his failed proposal to "help" me, slipping away like an eel into the abyss of darkness. My gifts will appear anyway, he whispered. You've already agreed to them. You're already following my plan for you.

Clemede was born just before my husband gave his approval for one of the larger wars in recent Irucien memory, against our neighbors from Perilor. He was old enough to be able to withdraw himself from service, so he wasn't in danger, but privately we both fretted about the consequences should we lose the war. The evil man's voice encircled my mind: bargaining, solitary activities, Fate... Would his evils still remain if Irucien was conquered? Perilor was wealthy, its elite class buoyed by strong trading partners providing both the exotic and the essential.

Clemede grew up healthy and beautiful, though her dreams betrayed a hint of...something strikingly not mundane. This was not a surprise to me, as much of my family had been a bit loopy, but it also made me worry about her future on the throne (and, even worse, her future should we lose). She would be fine, I told myself, even as I tried to fix her dreams for her, my voice invading her sleeping mind and trying to corral it towards normalcy. Maybe she just feels the stress of living during war, I mused. How should I expect her to grow up normally when she isn't normal - she's a princess! - and the outside world isn't normal? We grew close, establishing traditions that brought us together. Every morning and every evening, she would tell me a story. In the morning, she drew inspiration from her dreams, though she did not tell me that. In the evening, she expressed what was on her mind as she drifted off to sleep. I sat there until she fell sound asleep, our matching Maukets watching from the doorway, their shadows falling out of the room like giant statues.

Every war has to end sometime, and this one ended one night after I tiptoed out of Clemede's room, she now much older but still as attached to our traditions as I. Stories became our mode of conversation, our template for mutual understanding. They were a way for me to express my desire not to be confined to solitary activities, the way I chose to break out of that gift in one small area. This time, I tiptoed out of her room and went to my husband's office for our customary cup of hot chocolate, but the scene was not customary. Generals swarmed his room, shaking his hand vigorously, and I knew.

The decision to leave came soon after, a joint decision that we made for political reasons, but also an individual decision I made for Clemede. Maybe, just maybe, if I left Irucien, the evil man's conditions couldn't hold me. I could become anything. I could then bring Clemede to live with me in Perilor - my husband is a strong ruler, and, if anything, I'd probably need an heir before him anyway. I could bring Clemede to live somewhere peaceful, with her mother who adores her, and give her a fresh start. She was happy growing up in Irucien, but maybe a change of scenery would make all the difference in her dreams. The king agreed, and promised that he would come join us in Perilor in a few years, and visit as frequently as he could. I had to go to Perilor because there was no one we trusted to rule provincially; the war was rife with deception and espionage, and we needed to be careful. My husband would come to Perilor, but only once he had groomed a successor, one he trusted above all. Fate again intervened, though, wrenching apart the familial relationships I had struggled to cultivate, when the king died unexpectedly, elevating Clemede to the throne. It was decision time again: return for my daughter and rule myself, or remain in Perilor?

To be continued