Diane's Christmas Parody

by Rosa

Once upon a time there was a furry neon purple fox/lynx with yellow-tipped ears and a piece of a tie-dye shirt around one paw. She was sitting quite innocently, managing to draw better with one paw than most humans can draw with hands, when suddenly there was a knock on the door.

Except it wasn't a knock. The door actually caved in.

DIANEYKINS, came the gleeful cry of the 3'7" 9-year-old lavender eevee anthro. Even though she had knocked down the door and shouted, she still waved her arm frantically, as if worried Diane (for that was the quad's name) hadn't managed to notice her yet.

LOOK WHAT I DID, DIANEYKINS. She skipped over and pulled a widescreen television out of her poncho. I STUCK MOST OF YOUR CHARACTERS IN A SMALL BOX.

Diane blinked twice. R-Rosa? What are you doing here? This question was mostly asked to herself, seeing as the twitchy child had already brought up other points. She glanced at the television. Did you really put them all in a box?

NO, ACTUALLY. Her left eye twitched. I couldn't fit them all. I managed to get like…Zee. Then no one else fitted. Fat. Fittened? She glanced towards her buddy. What's the past tense of 'fit'?

I think it's fitted, Rosa.

Okay. Fitted. Only Zee fitted.

Diane decided not to bring up that the child smelled of sparking grape juice. Then where are they?

THEY'RE ON SURVIVOR: ANTARTICA.

Really!?

No. Sadly. I tried, but everyone but Sal started screaming bloody-Stephen-King-The-Mist murder.

Diane's lip twitched in impatient ness. Then…where are they?

THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

Seriously?

YES.

….Why?

STRESS RELIEF! the children exclaimed, and then plopped herself in front of the television. Diane moved her to the side to get a better view.

-----

Aqui was confused. A couple of seconds ago, she had been watching over her child. The sun had been shining. Birds had been tweeting. Voles had been voleing. Poodles had been poodling. But then she was whisked away, and was now sitting on very squishy grass inside a large factory.

Chocolate grass. Fabulous.

She wasn't alone, either. She spotted quite a few people she knew (for story's sake we're going to say everyone knows everyone and we're all in the same time frame). Ymori and Revivify were inspecting those little candy fruits that grow in the trees (well, actually, Revivify was prodding them with his staff, but whatever) Miashi's head practically exploded from being around all this sugar, Petri was currently in cardiac arrest because of all the baking options, and Sal was….just kind of curled up on a rock that looks oddly similar to candy mountain. He was probably thinking in his odd thinking way. Again.

Zee had begun "mowing" the grass, which meant he was dragging himself across the ground trying to eat all the chocolate humanly possible. Angelman's syndrome or not, anyone under the age of 10 had a 6th sense for anything sugary.

Aqui would have stopped him (or at least limited the sugar intake), but she was distracted by the sight of Kauv! He was leaning over the chocolate river, and for a minute the acara thought he was being sick, but then she heard him yelling.

YEAH. HA. HOW DO YA LIKE THAT? WHAT NOOOOW!?

There was also a lot of splashing going on. Worried that Kauv had finally snapped and was drowning poor Alfredo, she walked closer. But he wasn't mentioning anything about priceless coffee tables or his ruined collection of Christmastime Barbies, so she assumed it wasn't Alfredo.

Upon closer inspection, she noticed the shape in the river currently being drowned by the zaffy had dark blue fur. And the green cape. And, you know, black lightning bolts.

She sort of just picked up Zee (who had begun mowing circular, Signs-like shapes into the grass) and walked away after that. But don't worry; she'll be back. No one escapes!

Let's prance over to Revivify and Ymori. They're more interesting.

I don't trust them, Revivify said suspiciously. I mean, the male over there ate one, and now he's homicidal. He gestured his staff towards Kauv, who was still drowning Zesshei. His shouts interrupted the two krawks' conversation.

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, HUH? HUH!!?

Myko thinks they're fine, Ymori said with a frown; the berry smelled heavenly and looked so fergalicious. When Revivify gave him a look that clearly stated that he believed his friend was mentally unstable, Ymori explained that Myko and he had learned Portuguese hand symbols, and they could now communicate.

Except poor Myko wanted to slam his head into the ground when he heard this. You see, Myko had learned Korean hand symbols, and he had signed that the fruit couldn't be trusted. Ymori had managed to translate the Korean message to a Portuguese message that read 'toothbrush toilet kiwi Justin Timberlake', and he assumed that since the message had Justin Timberlake in it, it had to be positive.

Plus he just really wanted that fruit.

I think they're totally saf-

THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF LITTLE GIRLS.

And, amazingly, Zesshei managed to get his first word in since the assault began. It was the incredibly genius:

Rlkshg.

Or whatever sound you make when you're drowning.

When Revivify turned back to Ymori, he noticed the one of the berries was missing, and Ymori's mouth was jammed full of something.

Myo' eh ieh he said, which would have said 'Myko did it' if he hadn't had his mouth full. To help the accusation further, he pointed at the little Wight on his shoulder. Myko signed that he was innocently, but it was unneeded. No one could see Myko besides Ymori. Revivify popped Ymori on the head with his staff, and then backed up rapidly for fear that the pygmy krawky was going to suddenly turn into a killing machine due to the poisonous fruit. He made a crucifix with his fingers.

Ymoriiii, you feeling oka --

DIE. DIEDIEDIE. (more interruptions from Kauv).

Are you feeli --

DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE.

Are you o --

HAHAHAHDIIIIIIIEEEEEE.

OKAY. KAUV, WE GET IT. Poor Revivify was at his boiling point. But you've been drowning him for the past 10 minutes! I think he's dead by now!

Kauv, emotionally crushed at the thought that he no longer had anyone to kill, pulled up the limp body of Zesshei. He smacked the aisha's face a couple times until he got the chocolate off, and then he noticed that his entire body had turned a milky white.

Well that's no fun, he said with a feminine pout, tossing the dead body back into the chocolate river.

(Let's see what the consequences are of this action:

Wow! Random Child #5 said, munching on his candy. These special white chocolates are delicious! I wonder how they got their furry texture.

Suddenly, the child mutated into a cannibal! A cannibal named Hannibal Lector! He then set out to recreate these delicious treats. He would probably use moths. Or something.

Moral: Don't use a lamp to roast chestnuts.)

Since Ymori hasn't turned into a crazy(er) person, let's see what Petri's doing.

I could do anything with his! he cried, almost seizing around all the sugar. He used the spatula on his pants to grab a handful of the grass and he began to laugh manically even though that's completely out of character for him. I will be the greatest baker ever!

Suddenly, Christina Aguilera jumped out from behind a sugar plum bush and began singing her old single!

He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man.

No Christina! I said I wanted to be a baker, not a candy man. When Christina looked sad and on the verge of singing her other single, Hurt, Petri pulled a cookie out of his apron, and gave it to the ex-Mouseketeer. She became gleeful and skipped away humming This Christmas to herself.

Petri now searched the room for someone to help him bake. He spotted a twitching ionic canine, and called her over.

Miashi! Bestest buddy! Help me baaaake!

Miashi, whom had currently been discussing the purpose of life with Sal (his opinion had been the iPhone, and hers was eternal happiness), trotted her way over.

Holazehz mehzes amigoeszehsas! Mezamas llamozeezah Miashizehza!

Petri blinked twice and pouted childishly. Miashi, why are you speaking another language? I can't speak Spanish.

It turns out Miashi, while fidgeting and flailing around, had stumbled upon a pumpkin pie vine. But it was no ordinary pumpkin pie vine, oh no. It was infused with the essence of Dora the Explorer, whom everyone knows is the Keeper of all Languages. Miashi of course swallowed the entire vine whole, inhaling it like a vacuum or a crazy toaster monster from Tellatubbies.

Könnenzeezah Siemeza Deutscheszoose sprechenmesaze?

I can't speak German either.

Comemeza circazeeeso italianomoozy?

Can't do Italian.

Miashi then did Korean hand symbols, which Petri also did not understand. Myko, on the other hand, did understand these. He Wighted himself on over and began to sign to the gelert that Ymori should be watched, because any second now that homicidal fruit was going to digest and if that happened they were all done for.

But before the poor little dead guy could even finish his dramatic signing, an even more dramatic shout came from behind him.

Bow-chica-wow-wow chica-wow-wow!

It came from Ymori, whom was now glowing and seizing about. His head rotated 180 degrees and his left eye turned yellow and rolled back in it's socket. He also began to laugh in a high-pitched voice.

Myko signed the words, Oh crap, we're all doomed.

I AM MASTER OF SEAGULLS! Ymori shrieked, waving his spear in the air. COME TO ME, MY LOYAL SUBJECTS.

But no seagulls came. The only things that came to his call were Oompa Loompas. The people standing near the krawk were just now beginning to question his sanity (apparently glowing and having body parts rotate in impossible ways was common around here). But then the Oompa Loompas and Sal (I always knew there was something wrong with him) turned into seagulls! They flew into the air, cawing and swooping down upon Petri, who had just finished making his soufflé. Their loudness burst the baked treat, and in his despair he grabbed his ruined dessert in chunks and threw it into the sky.

The seagulls became distracted by the chunks of sugary bread, and they dipped down to catch the chunks in their mouths.

NOOOO! Ymori raged as tourists in flip-flops showed up to take pictures of their children feeding the birds. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIIIIS!

Sal magically transformed himself back into a furry ice hissi, tackled Ymori to the ground, and began slamming his head on the Fuerasomething's stomach. He continued this until the fruit fantastically undigested itself and Ymori spat it out.

Everyone began to rejoice! They weren't all doomed! They aren't all going to be devoured by seagulls! Gerald Butler isn't really dead in the new movie P.S. I love you! It was a cause for a celebration. They had a wild dance party. Ymori and Myko taught everyone how to Soulja Boy.

The end.

-----

Diane sat, gaping at the screen. She looked from the screen to Rosa. The screen. Rosa. The screen. Rosa. The screen…Rosa.

Is this some cruel punishment for taking over a month to finish that Annabell/Metro picture? I kind of need those guys back. You can't just leave them in that factory. And you can't just kill Zesshei!

Rosa blinked twice and than grinned. It wasn't punishment for anything! I thought it would be entertaining and it would fill you with Christmas cheer! She mentioned nothing about bringing back Diane's characters, let alone bringing Zesshei back to life.

How was that Christmas cheer!?

Would you like me to send them into How the Grinch Stole Christmas featuring Jim Carrey?

NO! I mean, no. Diane remembered you weren't supposed to yell at small childrens. It damaged their fragile psyches. I just want…my characters back.

The kid nodded and snapped her fingers in a very dramatic way. All of the characters magically appeared in the room (Zesshei was alive again, sadly, but he was being kept in a dog carrier). All of the characters….except Zee. Aqui was currently holding a vegetable and sobbing. Kauv went over to snuggle her to make her feel better.

Diane turned her head to give an exasperated glare to the lavender eevee. Why did Zee turn into a cumquat?

There were some…temporary side effects from him eating all that grass.

How temporary?

Rosa answered with a question. What year is it again?

Diane's eyes widened again as she looked towards the acara/aisha-turned-vegetable. After a moment or two, she slowly looked back at the child. Rosa was still grinning.

Merry Christmas Diane!

…Merry Christmas Rosa.