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Now that the Maraquan War is over, us warriors can sit back and reflect over all those... happy memories of battles. Even though I very much supported the Maraquan cause, I can't say I was too happy fighting for it, and I my entrance didn't exactly include the words 'eagerly volunteering' either. I entered my first days of service for the Maraquan Army in a most interesting way that included my psychotic owner and my annoying ice bori brother. I could sit here and talk about all day, or you could just read about it. It began like this:
I was reading the Neopian Times one afternoon, scanning the editorials for any details on the war, when my owner decided to rudely interrupt by skipping through the doorway, eating a strawberry jelly. This was typical behavior, unfortunately.
"Do you mind?" I asked, annoyed, ruffling the newspaper extra hard in hopes of shooing her away.
My owner ignored my tactics.
"Look! Hypoteny, the war has started!" she exclaimed. I winced. That was eighty decibels at the very least.
"And..." I gestured for her to continue. The sooner I got this over with, I had learned from experience, the better.
Apollo_lunar wasted no time. "I signed you up on Maraqua's side! Come on! We've got to get to the Battledome now to avoid the lag!"
I fell out of my chair.
"Wait, wait," I said, not sure if I heard correctly. "You signed me up? To battle?"
Apollo_lunar sighed dramatically.
"Yes, I signed you up to battle. You did well on the last two, so I thought you wouldn't mind this time. Plus, we've got to beat our old record! And we can't let those pirates take over Maraqua!"
I got up and brushed my starry body off, as dignified as I could.
"Why me?" I asked, though I knew the answer. "Correction, you blackmailed me on the last two wars. Why can't that bori or the uni go?"
'That bori and uni' were my owner's other pets. I referred to them as their species name simply out of habit, and, sometimes, contempt.
"You've got the best stats, blumaroo," she replied simply. "Let's go!"
Knowing that I would have no choice in the matter, I quickly gathered my weapons and followed my owner to the door. Just when I was about to leave, I could see an ice bori watching me exit, laughing and swishing his tail happily. He did so whenever he saw me suffer. Which, living in the neohome I do, happens quite often.
I glared back.
"Watch your back," I mouthed as menacingly as I could. "You'll be next. I'll tell apollo_lunar to take you to the lab ray and turn you into a yellow lenny. "
DrFRoyDeanSchlippe let out a frightened squeak and scurried out of the room. Lennies frightened him terribly, see.
My owner and I made our way to Battledome. A long line of pets and owners were ahead of us. I nodded and smiled sympathetically at the yellow yurble in front of me that was obviously dragged here against his will.
A robot gnarrl handed my owner a slip of brochure. It listed all the opponents, Maraquan and pirate, by difficulty and rank. It was rather attractive and glossy, with a little drawing of each opponent.
"Let's have a look at the menu, shall we?" apollo_lunar said, unfolding and perusing eagerly it as a diner would glance through the daily specials. Her bravado and enthusiasm was not infectious.
"You're a rank one pet, so we have two options. A pirate scout or a pirate avenger. Pirate scouts start at 7 hp and increases by one every third battle or so, pirate avengers start at 15, increase by two, but they can get you sick. The vile swamp water causes watery eyes, and prices for the cure just multiplied, and that dang water faerie never does her job, and I'm broke." She completed the run-on sentence and looked up.
"Let's max out on all the pirate scouts first. Then we can start on the avengers. This is going to be a piece of iced chia cake."
I shrugged. Sounded like a plan to me. An excruciatingly simple one, but a plan nevertheless.
Apollo_lunar called over the robot gnarrl and pointed to the picture of the pirate scout.
"We'll take this one. Extra spicy. "
I didn't bother trying to resist rolling my eyes.
When I finally entered the water area, my owner joined me, much to my annoyance, and she was doing the worst thing I could imagine: cheering me on.
"Yay!" she shouted, waving a Maraquan flag. "You can do it!"
Note to self: Never let owner near pom-poms. Result might be catastrophic.
"Never seen her before in my life," I muttered to my opponent. The pirate scout nodded understandingly.
"I had a crazy owner too. She was the worst kind- a NT writer. That's why I ran away from home and joined Scarblade," he said.
Here he was, a fellow tortured soul, forced into unwanted battle. I felt an instant bondage.
The signal for the battle to begin sounded and the fight commenced.
"Sorry, buddy," I said, and I meant it. He looked so frail and wimpy, it was sad. His unshaven hairs on his chin didn't exactly add to his grandeur appearance, and the hook? Don't get me started. This was going to embed itself into my conscience.
The battle immediately begun...
...and it immediately ended. It had taken me one hit to defeat the pirate scout.
"Is that it?" I asked, brushing off my hands.
"I told you he was weak," my owner said. "Now. We need to beat our Hannah and the Ice Caves battle score!"
I'll just warn you pets now. Never let your owner near the Battledome during a war, especially if they're obsessive compulsive. Once they start accumulating points, they never stop. I had to learn that the hard way:
200 victories later...
A pirate scout fell, his hp having run out. I sat down, exhausted.
"Can we stop now?" I asked my owner. Hey, nobody could say I was being lazy here.
"Come on! Maraqua needs our points!" she said frantically. "The pirates entered the city in part seventeen! That means we're losing!"
"Easy for you say," I muttered. "You've just been sitting there eating cotton candy. Look, we quadrupled our last score. That's sufficient. I want to leave. "
Apollo_lunar reluctantly agreed on the condition we come back tomorrow. I swear she's obsessed.
We headed towards the Battledome exit. Kreludor was already setting on the horizon, and I was ready to go home. But then plans changed. As they always do.
Apollo_lunar suddenly got this evil grin. "Wait..."
I stopped in my tracks. This was not a good sign.
"Let's squash a couple of pirate avengers before we go home and call it a day. "
Most definitely not a good sign.
"Are you serious!?!" I practically yelled.
"Heck yes, I'm serious!" she said. "Come on!"
I sat down where I was, crossed my arms, and refused to move. I usually avoid acting immaturely and making a scene, but in this scenario, I was completely justified. Might as well take advantage of it.
My owner saw me. She was frowning and thinking.
I knew that look on her face. I grinned and cracked my knuckles.
Let the bribery begin.
"I'll stop visiting the Snowager and getting you blasted," apollo_lunar offered.
"Huh uh. Not good enough. "
"I'll stop throwing stone muffins and shouting bad words at the Tombola guy, and embarrassing you."
Hmm. Now, this wasn't a bad idea, but I wasn't giving up. Not yet.
"Nope. " I turned my head to the side, checked my nails, and feigned disinterest. She started pacing. I could tell she was getting desperate.
"I'll give up my supply of sugar," she offered.
This time, I admit I was tempted. I hesitated. My owner perked, sensing a breakthrough.
"I'll stop piling all my packrat items in the living room," she promised.
"And...?" I pressed. This next thing could make it or break it.
"I'll walk DrFRoyDeanSchlippe on a hot pink leash in the Lost Desert from now on," she completed.
I couldn't hide a triumphant smile. I couldn't wait to see the look on that bori's face.
We shook hands on the deal, and I began running back into the Battledome.
"Hey! Wait up!" my owner shouted, trying to catch up.
"Not a chance!" I shouted back. "I've got some pirate avenger butt to kick!"
So begins my... ah... illustrious career as a Maraquan warrior. I've had plenty of adventures since. Perhaps I'll tell you
about them some time else. Oh, and if you ever see a melting ice bori with a pink leash named DrFRoyDeanSchlippe in the Lost
Desert, please tell him that Hypoteny sends her best wishes. Also, feel free to pelt him with sand snowballs. I promise I won't
get too upset.
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