White Weewoos don't exist. *shifty eyes* Circulation: 81,826,882 Issue: 156 | 3rd day of Gathering, Y6
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

Conspiracy Theories Abroad

by tahus_shade


*Begin Transmission* This is special agent Tahu from the Neopian Intelligence Agency (NIA). I was assigned to closely observe a threat that we have been watching for a long period of time. We now know that this threat has evolved from minor threat to major emergency. Unless action is quickly taken, this threat will quickly overrun all of Neopia. What is this grave threat you ask? Garden Gnomes. Yes, that cute, innocent looking Blue Kacheek Gnome sitting in your yard is actually biding it's time, waiting for the right moment to pounce, and force all the Neopets and Owners in Neopia to sit in gardens, frozen, like the Gnomes have been since they were first created. In this very text, you will not only learn how to fight this menace, but also learn about the creation of the Gnome, their ultimate plan, some particular species of gnomes to watch out for, and how I discovered that they were bent on world domination.

The Creation of the Gnome
It all started one fateful day of Awakening, Year 4. Dr. Sloth needed to spy on the citizens of Neopia, so he created the semi-sentient garden gnome to do so for him. Then he hacked into the Neopets computers, and successfully managed to set up a special offer so that users could get free gnomes. Unfortunately for him, he had to discontinue this plan because the gnomes just sat in users safety deposit boxes until they made Neohome gardens. As this didn't happen for about 3 months, Dr. Sloth had to discontinue this particular plan. The garden gnomes however, waited and then when Gardens came out, they started to fulfill their original programming. They spied on the citizens, gathering information, until they learned that not only had anyone realized that they were extremely powerful computers, the Neopets team was also creating more of them. With this happening, they needed only one thing to become the rulers of Neopia. They needed some way to spy on the inside of Neopian life, inside people's Neohome that is. They needed… the Gnome plushie. When the Neopets team came up with this idea, they wasted know time installing computer chips in them, and making the plushies spy for them. Now they had all they needed to put their ultimate plan into action, the plan that they had been waiting to enact for 2 years. While they were building their doomsday device, got a bonus to make it easier. Someone on the Neopets Staff came up with the idea of kits that let you build your own gnome. While hopefully most people will create gnomes without weapons, some of the more violent residents of Neopia will be sure to create gnomes with all a manor of weaponry, making the gnomes conquest all the easier.

The Gnomes Ultimate Plan
As a said in the first part of this transmission, gnomes wish to live in our Neohome, and make us sit in their gardens. The only problem is that not everyone has gnomes, so they needed a way to freeze every denizen of Neopia. They were stumped, until Kreludor was revealed. Immediately some of them masqueraded as Neopets, and snuck over to the moon. They brought with them all of the stolen frozen weaponry they could find, and a large laser. After arriving on Kreludor, they wandered around for a while, until they discovered the perfect spot for their doomsday device. It was the one spot on the moon that was constantly facing Neopia. They quickly set all of the ice weaponry into a large pile, and using the laser, they molded it into a super giant mega large ice cannon! Not only will this cannon permanently lower the temperature of Neopia, it will also command every piece of frozen weaponry that was not stolen to turn and freeze their owners, and then run rampant and freeze everyone else. With the temperature lowered, they will stay frozen forever. It is only a matter of time until they fire the cannon and freeze us all.

The only places on Neopia where Neopets and owners will not stay frozen are the Lost Desert and Mystery Island. The gnomes solution for this is to deport everyone in those worlds to a place that is colder. To do this, the gnomes will send invading armies by boat to The Lost Desert and Mystery Island. These specially trained gnomes will locate the highest points in these places, and erect a large ice cannon there, one nearly the size of the one on the moon. With this, they will freeze the residents, and transport them to one of the cold points where they have transported all of the frozen denizens of Neopia. Then, the gnomes will become the rulers, and all of the frozen former denizens of Neopia will sit in the Gnomes gardens, waiting until someone comes and defeats the tyrannical gnome rulers. So far in my research of the gnomes, I have only found one place that they seem to have no plans to dominate. This lucky place is the Virtupets Space Station. In Dr. Sloth's heyday, he put every security measure he could on that station, including one that burns any gnome that tries to get on the station (He made this one because he knew that the gnomes might one day want to get revenge on the person that made them so not evil looking.) If the gnomes manage to act out their plan, then the fate of all Neopia will depend on the Space Station to save them and defeat the gnomes.

Some Gnomes to Be Particularly Wary of
Not every gnome will be able to help round up the Neopets and Owners. Some won't be able to do anything at all. Unfortunately, the Neopets Team decided to make some gnomes with built in weapons, so it is these you must watch out for. The list of them in no particular order is as follows:

Fishing Kiko Gnome
Digging Kiko Gnome
Blugthak Gnome
Year Six Lupe Gnome
Halloween Blumaroo Gnome
Lord Kass Gnome
Bat Thing Gnome
Court Dancer Gnome
Halloween Tonu Gnome
Happy Tonu Gnome
Hunting Grarrl Gnome
Purple Zafara Gnome
Gardening Grundo Gnome
And last but not least, the Fishing Jetsam Gnome.
All of these gnomes have some manner of weaponry, and all are especially dangerous. Also beware of the Gnome Shroom, because this plant is has been modified to, when it is activated, make all passerby fall unconscious.

How to Fight the Gnome Menace
The best way to defeat a gnome is the simplest. Burn it! The best way to burn is with any type of fire-based weaponry. To burn a Gnome, simply place the flaming part of the weapon on the gnome. Wait. When it starts to burn, you were successful! Now, go find more gnomes to burn before they enact their final plan. While burning is the best preemptive action, the best thing to use when they start attacking is any type of space weaponry that can be fired from a distance. If armed Gnomes start invading the area you live in, use the space weaponry to destroy the attackers. I personally have an auto-targeting telescope in my yard, designed to destroy all Gnomes within the immediate vicinity. I also recommend having fire armor around at all times, so when the Super Giant Mega Large Ice Cannon fires, you won't get frozen.

How I discovered that Gnomes were bent on world domination

As I mentioned before, I am a member of the NIA. We have advanced tracking technology, and we discovered where the Gnomes secret base is. We sent an elite team of crack operatives to stake out the base. They never came back. So they sent me. I managed to get to the base, which is located on… Argggg… The gnomes attack!… No, not the fishing rod… "Resistance is Futile." No it's not. "Yes it is." How did you get past my defense system? "Resistance is, and always has been, futile" *Transmission Interrupted*

This article brought to you by the society of Gnome burners. No authors were harmed in the making of this article, but the same cannot be said for gnomes.

Search the Neopian Times

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.