Five Neopian Crazies in King Skarl's Court
"Halt! Who goes there?" a strong voice demanded.
"We go here," Eagle responded irritably. She was a regal green Eyrie, her emerald
plumage puffed out in indignation at the tone of the speaker. She was surrounded
by her family- the energtic blue poogle Bounce and her angelpuss Skies, the
lab rat Fire, who was currently a spotted Koi (talk about your irony!), the
vain golden uni Cornis, and of course, her money-grubbing owner Fantasy.
"Identify thyself, for no rogues shall be permitted in the castle of my lord,
the great King Skarl!" The Royal Uni took a step forward, challenging the group
to go further. His cream-colored fur shined in the light of the midday sun,
matching the polish of his golden wing protectors.
Eagle rolled her eyes and introduced us. "My name is Eagle, and these are my
"We can introduce ourselves, thank you very much!" Cornis, a Golden Uni, took
a dainty step forward and let her full glory spill out under the light of the
sun. The beautiful Golden coat she worked so hard on each and every morning
shone and glimmered, so positively radiant that the Royal Uni couldn't help
but be dazzled. As a result of his dazzlation, he launched himself into a full-blown,
"Gentle lady! I had no idea that one so fine as thyself could be found among
such rubbish as this! Prithee, come hither to the court of mine king, so that
thy beauty may be shared amongst thy peers, rather than squandered here amongst
the peasantry, who take no value in the radience that is your shining self,
for neither the moon nor the sun can match the beauty contained in thine eyes…"
His speech entranced Cornis, and she was trailing along behind him by the time
her family even noticed she was walking away.
Fantasy wrinkled her nose and stuck out her tongue at the backs of the Unis.
"That'll teach you," she muttered.
"Oh yeah, I'm sure they're soooo insulted. Oh wait a minute, they can't see
you!" Fire snapped, irritated at the terms "rubbish" and "peasantry."
"Hey Fantasy, what does 'squandered' mean?" the ever-curious Bounce inquired.
"I know some words like that, like 'squish' and… um…. Does it mean squish? 'Cuz
I know what squish means! Squish squish squish squish squish… whee that's a
fun word! Squish squish squish… SQUASH! Does it mean squash? You know, you can
squish squash. Hee hee! Say that five times fast, Fire! Squish squash squish
squash--" At this point, her chattering was muffled by the paw of her Angelpuss,
who had obviously had had enough.
The rest of the family was staring at her incredulously. Was it possible
for a pet to have that much energy?
"Oooookay then… what should we do now?" Fire asked.
"Um… go tell the king a joke, I guess," Fantasy answered, and beckoned. "Let's
* * *
"Are we going to the throne room?" Cornis asked the Royal Uni, "And what's
"Fair lady, you may know me as Rosov. And we are, in truth, going to the throne
room. Wouldst thou like to make a jest to the king, to perhaps gain his favor?
For all noble ladies have not only beauty, which thou hast in plenty, but also
"Ooh, sounds like fun!" she squealed. "What kind of jo-- jest?"
"Any that comes to thy mind. My king is not easy to please, but I am sure that
thou shalt turn his head. Ah, we have arrived."
Trumpets blared, and the gigantic doors in front of the pair opened, as Cornis
stared in awe at the throne room. An enormous plush red carpet covered the entire
floor, and gold winked from every corner of the room.
"The Lord Rosov and Lady Cornis!" the announcer shouted. Cornis blushed at
being called "Lady."
"Well, Rosov? Who have you brought to my court today?" the king yelled across
"This flower's name is Cornis, and she possessith both loveliness and a sharp
mind," Rosov declared as he approached the throne.
"Does she? Well then, lady, tell me a joke!" he commanded.
Cornis's knees shook at being addressed by such a royal personage. "Uhm…"
"Speak up, I can't hear!"
She took a few tentantive steps forward and asked, "Who isn't a pack of… umm…
blue Babaa… wanting to start their own… D'Achoo?" That was terrible,
she told herself, and now you have to think of an answer!
The courtiers stared at her and murmured amongst themselves. "I don't know,
who?" the king asked.
"An offering by a… er… map of Tyrannian… luxury… sandwich?"
The king stared at her in silence. The courtiers stared at the king, wondering
what his response would be to such a strange joke.
Skarl burst into violent laughter. "Tyrannian luxury sandwich!" he cried, tears
running down his cheeks. "That's the best I've heard in weeks!" he announced
as his stomach convulsed.
The courtiers also laughed, moments after the king.
"WHAT?" a voice yelled in astonishment from the back of the hall. "That's the
dumbest thing I've ever heard!"
Cornis whirled. Standing at the back of the hall was the rest of her family,
Fantasy's hand over an indignant Fire's mouth. She glared at them. Why did this
always happen to her?!
King Skarl looked at the newcomers with contempt. "How dare you insult a lady
of my court? Do you think you can do any better? Come on then, tell me a joke."
He settled back into his throne, waiting.
Bounce, Eagle and Fantasy simultanously looked at Fire. "What, me?" she asked,
"You got us into this mess!" Eagle hissed back at her.
"Fine then. Be that way." She turned to face the king. "Why did the
Lupe cross the road?"
"I don't know, why?"
"To eat the Chia on the other side!" Fire rolled around on the floor, laughing
at her own joke, while the king yawned.
"Boooring. Guards, remove these commoners from my court!" Five muscle-bound
Skeiths lumbered menacingly across the hall. The four of them watched the guards'
"But-- but we haven't done anything wrong! All I did was tell a joke, and it
was a good one too! Just because you don't have the brai--"
"Don't make it any worse, you idiot!" Eagle snapped, covering Fire's mouth
with her hand, stifling her insult. Over Fire's head she could see a small,
blue form hopping up the red carpet over to the king. Startled, she dropped
her sister, who fell to the floor with a thump, and asked, "Uhh… do you
have any idea what Bounce is doing?"
Dazedly, Fire turned her head. "Looks to me like she's… err… bouncing."
Eagle rolled her eyes. "Wow. Thanks a lot, because, you know, I was really
having trouble figuring that out."
Bounce was indeed bouncing, bouncing up the hall over to the king, who peered
down at the tiny Poogle as she approached. "Hey, Mr. King Guy?" she queried,
"Do you have any squash? Squash is fun, and it sounds like squish! And do you
know what squandered means? Can you squander squished squash?" She spied a familiar
human behind the throne holding a shiny gold vase, who caught her gaze and wildly
gesticulated, waving her hands and arms in a message that, to anyone else, would
have meant "Shh! I'm not here!" but which Bounce translated as "Why don't you
shout my name loudly, revealing my presence to the entire court!"
"Hi, Fantasy! What are you doing back there?" As one, the entire court turned
their heads to Fantasy, who looked as guilty as a Lupe caught at a Chia convention.
"Uhh, just… polishing this pretty vase. See, it had a smudge on it, and--"
She cut herself off, seeing the deep crimson hue the king's face was becoming.
"So, I guess we'll be leaving now. So long; it was nice to see you!" She positively
galloped down the hall, grabbing Bounce as she whisked past and telling Cornis,
"You're coming too!", who stomped her foot and flicked her tail, but followed
* * *
When they got home, Cornis, as usual, berated her family for ruining her life,
as all melodramatic Unis do. The rest of the family made nothing of it, noting
that she'd get over it in a couple hours, and unanimously deciding never
to visit Meridell again.
Author's Note: Yes, Cornis's joke was an actual joke that I actually used,
and I actually made him laugh with it. If you want, I can show you my Sludge
Pie and 68 NP I got as a prize.