White Weewoos don't exist. *shifty eyes* Circulation: 81,645,694 Issue: 153 | 16th day of Hiding, Y6
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series
 

A Good Night's Sleep


by horserider12302

--------

A NEOHOME - Sleep is the one thing everyone needs. It relaxes and rejuvenates us... but according to some random poll, 45% of pets and their owners do not get the recommended eight hours of sleep! I probably qualify for about 25% of that. But just what is causing all this insomnia?

You see, it’s different problems depending on what kind of household you live in. Me, I have three Lupes, one of whom is still just a puppy, meaning he wakes me up at hours that even Count Von Roo would hate.

I don’t know what your Neohome is like, but with this helpful and somewhat informative article (aren't I modest?), I intend to solve any problems that you and your pets might have getting to sleep, whether it be insomnia, rambunctiousness, or the fact that your pet is a Korbat and likes to stay up at night.

So, moving on with the first problem...

Insomnia

Ah, yes. Insomnia is (probably) the number one cause of sleeplessness...ness. If your pet comes into your room, just as you’re about to doze off, to tell you that he/she/it can’t sleep, there’s a good chance he/she/it might have insomnia.

The first thing you must do is restrain yourself from chasing your pet out of your room saying, “Don’t wake me up again!” This will not help at all, and your pet might be so offended he might call the Anti-Neopet Nonsense Association (which, by the way, forms a rather dashing acronym related to my aunt's sister's name) because you yelled at him. Then you will be sleepless and pet-less. No, what you must do is get him a glass of milk. For some reason, milk makes pets sleep. Don’t ask me why.

You can also read to them. Pick a long, boring book with a title like The Evolution of the Paper Plate or Corn Dogs through the Ages and read it as slowly as possible. Your pet is guaranteed to fall asleep within minutes.

Another great but risky way to get your pet to fall asleep is to play with him. Be sure to play something that involves lots of running and jumping around, like Musical Chairs or Exhausting And Pointless Running Around The Room.

This method is risky in two ways. One, your pet might wake up your other pets, who will be very, very, very angry with you. Unless you have docile pets or like going to the hospital, this method is not for you.

Two, your pet could be having such a great time that he doesn’t want to go to bed! You will be forced to coax him into going to sleep, but will still hear loud noise coming from his room, especially if your pet has a Twisted Roses Speaker turned up full blast.

Of course, you could also annoy the neighbors and get kicked out of your neohome (all right, that’s three risks).

Baby Pets

So your pet doesn’t have insomnia, eh? Well, then, you must have a baby pet!

Baby pets require care, love, and every single nanosecond of your time. So it’s no wonder that babies keep you up at night, whether its for a diaper change, or they want to be fed, or they want to play... All babies keep their owners up for one reason or another (It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya!). Ahem, continuing on...

Once a baby is up, it will stay up, unless you follow these helpful tips to put the baby to sleep quicker:

1. Rock it. Babies like the motion of rocking, and it puts them to sleep. The movement might also make the baby have to go to the bathroom, so this may not be the best method.

2. Play with it. Babies fall asleep easily, so if you make up a story like “And here’s Bob going to work at his School Supplies shop. Oops, Bob forgot his briefcase! Here’s Bob walking back to his expensive Neohome on 66234 Main Street. Here’s Bob remembering he left his keys inside the house. Oh, no! Here’s Bob crawling through a window...” and so on -- like that, the baby will be asleep before Bob even gets to his shop.

3. Sing to it. Singing soothes babies and makes them tired, especially if you sing a slow song. But no salsa music -- trust me.

Now, if you sound like a herd of Elephantes in pain when you sing, play some soothing music on one of the instruments you can buy at the Toy Shop (ironic, no?). Just make sure that what you play is based on The Wonders of the Neopian Philharmonic and not The Best of Sticks n’ Stones: Live! accidentally.

Nocturnal Pets

What?! You still haven’t gotten your pets to sleep? That means you have a nocturnal pet!

Nocturnal pets are, to put it simply, pets that stay awake at night. So if you have a Korbat or a pet that likes to stay out at wild parties, fear not! I will help you, because I have three pets that love to stay out at night.

Say you’ve just tucked yourself in for the night and you’re just ready to doze off. Your eyelids droop, you feel tired... CRASH! You’re woken out of your near slumber by your nocturnal pets, laughing, talking and apparently breaking things.

This is tough. It’s hard to go against your pets instincts and get them to go to sleep, but you must be firm. Order your pets to go to bed.

Okay, so that didn’t work, so now try the old milk trick. If you’re lucky, your pets will feel very tired after drinking milk and decide it would be best to go to bed.

If that doesn’t work, and there’s a very good chance that it won’t, tell your pets that if they’re going to stay up all night, they’d better stay awake outside. Hopefully they will leave the house, and you will have peace and quiet.

Now this might be worse than better. Your pets might commit some crime out on the streets and get themselves arrested! (A lot of these method could get you arrested, couldn’t they?)

In my opinion, the most effective way to get your pets to sleep is to make a deal with them. Say, “I’m really tired, so if you could go to sleep I’ll give you 1,000 neopoints.” This almost always works, but you will become broke eventually. Hey, at least you’ll be able to sleep peacefully!

Of course, you could just stay awake with your pets! Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, right? I did once, and my Lupes showed me how fun it was to howl at the moon. Serious bonding time.

There are probably other pets with sleep problems, but I don’t know what they are. If you have a problem that’s not on this list, just do everything above. These methods are approved by the doctors of Neopia, you don’t have to take any pills, and the only trouble would be, well, if the methods don’t work. But never fear!

So ends my somewhat informative article on conquering sleeplessness. If you are unsatisfied with any of these methods, do not come after me with pitchforks and/or other various weapons. Go see a doctor. I’ve heard a guy named Sloth is very good.

Authors’ Note: Thanks for reading! This article was meant to be fun, and I don’t mean for you to go try those methods if you really can’t sleep, Okay? Questions and comments are always appreciated, so don’t be shy!

 
Search the Neopian Times




Other Stories


---------

Looks ARE Everything: Part Two
Some change into bold, intimidating, battledome-ready Neopets. Others need to BE changed. Ummm, their diapers, that is.

by stoneman3x

---------

How To Be A Great Guild Leader
I mean, you look at a guild and you think, "I could make one much better than that!"

by karlitea

---------

Where Did Neopia’s Months Get Their Names?
In the Neopian calendar, the months are named after what goes on during them.

by fjcormier

---------

The Fountain Faerie
As I was walking through Faerieland the other day, I noticed a ray of color and a rainbow...

by girlygrl27



Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.