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How To Be An Awfully Good Writer


by violinoutoftune

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WARNING: Taking this article seriously will result in you never, I repeat, never being published in the Neopian Times.

NEOSCHOOL – Hello, new students! Welcome to the first ever How-To-Be-An-Awfully-Good-Blank class! As you gape at me right now you probably see a crazy red Bruce who has obviously lost his mind. But am I indeed, Prof. Knowitnot, a great writer and an excellent teacher – so stop staring!

Well, now, on to the instruction! Today’s lesson is all about how to become a terribly wonderful writer! Yes, I know what you’re thinking. You think it’s easy, right? On the contrary, being an excellent writer takes a lot of hard work, patience, and laziness. Now, pick up your pencils and get ready to take notes! You’ll have to copy the examples on the board while I’m talking. Everybody ready? Okay… on your mark… get set… and HERE WE GO!

Always use chat speak – Chat speak is definitely “in” now, so if you want your writing to be “in”, you better use it. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself suddenly “out” and incredibly sane. That would be most unfortunate.

Examples:

i lyke 2 rite

i luv storeees

Misspell things so that the words will be so far off and your readers will have to use a dictionary to understand what you’re talking about – It’s good practice for the readers. They may even learn some new words in the process!

Examples:

jocatoe (Chokato)

burrowland (Borovan)

chompme (Chomby)

tieraineah (Tyrannia)

Use no punctuation and no capital letters – It’ll be more fun (and educational) for the readers to have to guess where sentences begin and end.

Examples:

the loop waz kewl he waz blew he iz my frend weee r frends

Always keep your story short and to the point – With your marvelous writing, readers are sure to get bored after the first hundred words!

Put everything in one paragraph – If you have more than one paragraph, you have to use indentions, and everyone knows indentions are SO tacky!

Don’t use adjectives – They are simply not necessary! They make the story longer, which means it will take you longer to write it, which means less time laying on a beach chair on Mystery Island and soaking up the sun.

Don’t use any words that start with “X” – A LOT of words begin with the letter “X”. If you don’t use any of those words, it will take you less time to write your story and give you more time to lay on the beach and get a sunburn while a Crabula is eating your foot. Now, doesn’t THAT sound like fun!

Always use overused topics – Readers absolutely love to read about things that they know everything about already. They like to be reassured that, yes, they do know every single thing there is to know about it.

Examples:

Sloth, Dung, Weewoos, the Neopian Pound, overly sarcastic articles…

If a word ends in “e” and you need to add “ed”, get rid of the “e” then skip a space and write “ed” – it’s just one of those weird grammer rules that everyone has to follow whether it makes sense or not.

Examples:

lov ed

liv ed

rid ed

Use the “&” sign instead of “and” – C’mon, it means the same thing, so why not?

Example:

jocatoes & burrowland & done r gud 2gether

Never write untrue articles – It’s just a not a nice thing to do.

Don’t have any problems in your story – Happy fans are ones who read happy stories. Yes, readers don’t enjoy sad stories, they’d prefer happily dull ones instead.

Never edit your work – Really now! You might actually correct a mistake or something! What a horribly horrible horror that would be!

Always end your story with some annoying ending – Everyone likes an annoying ending. It’s a wonderful surprise to the happily dull beginning and the happily dull middle.

Examples:

but it waz just a dreem

now zats the end ove my storeee zat not ever hapend waznt it lyke the most anoyeing ending 2 a hapalily dull storeee

Always drink juice while you’re writing your story – You’ll want as many creative juices flowing around in you as possible.

Have no setting – This will allow, or rather force, the readers to use their imaginations, which is always a good thing.

Say the same thing over and over again in as many ways as you can – this shows your readers that you are exceedingly smart and monotonously uncreative at the same time!

Have only one character – Having too many characters just confuses the readers, and they already have enough to be confused about.

Always end your story with a bold “the vareee end” – It has to be bold so that the readers will be sure not to miss their sign that they can now start reading your wonderful story again!

And last, and certainly least:

Avoid using sarcasm – Some readers (can you believe this?) will actually take it seriously! And we don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea now, would we?

Finally, after you actually put all this essential advice to work, you will be able to produce a masterpiece. Here’s one very good example of a supurb story, if I do say so myself:

well lyke thear waz thiz loop thear waz lyke thiz loop thiz loop waz lyke thear & he liv ed in Tieraineah & Tieraineah waz wear he liv ed & he wood eeet jocatoes thear & jocatoes he wood eeet thear & thear he wood eeet jocatoes & he waz vareee hapalily dull & vareee hapalily dull waz he & dull he waz vareee hapalily & b kaus he waz vareee hapalily dull every1 ells waz hapalily dull & every1 ells waz hapalily dull b kaus he waz vareee hapalily dull & b kaus every1 ells waz hapalily dull he waz vareee happily dull 2 & every1 liv ed vareee hapalily evarrr aftarrr & vareee hapalily evarrr aftarrr every1 liv ed & now lyke zat iz the end ove my storeee & lyke the end ove my storeee iz zat & i hoep u lyked it & i hoep it waz anoyeing & vareee hapalily dull & u lyked it i hoep & it waz anoyeing & vareee hapalily dull i hoep the vareee end

Now class, wasn’t that the best piece of writing you’ve ever read? Heh, I think I hear all my fans screaming out my name!

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!

That’s not my name! … Oh, that’s the bell! Well then, on to your next class, students…

Wow! Everyone left really fast. I guess they just don’t appreciate awfully good writing…

 
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