Turn the Smile Upside Down!

You're right. Everything is wrong with that situation! Each day, the Rainbow Pool churns out so many Grey pets, so many Grey pets that don't know how to act like Grey pets. What they need is a teacher, a queen, a slave driver, as some choose to call it. So, I, nincondemius, find it my civic duty to teach the Grey pets of Neopia how to act like Grey pets. You see, society cannot function normally if everyone doesn't have a specific role to play in it. And if all of that just went right over your head, I can't blame you. I don't even know what I just said! Actually, I'm just writing this article because its kind of annoying to see a Grey neopet who's happier than you. Anyway, without further ado, step right up and take a trip in the Grey-inator 3500, certified to make you miserable and depressed in just five Quick and Easy steps!

Quick and Easy Step 1. Bow to your queen nincondemius!!! Eh heh heh... how did that get in there? *shuffles through desk drawers and endless piles of notes* Let's just move on and pretend that never happened, then. *laughs nervously* *eats cabbage* **moves on*

Quick and Easy Step 2. Wallow in self-pity. It's the sunniest day outside and all your friends are going on a day trip of Kiko Lake, where they're going to spend the day in happiness and merriment. But, oh, once you get there you realize that you forgot your tanning lotion at home, how sad. This is the moment for a Grey Neopet to take advantage of their tiny problem and turn it into something that seems like the world's largest catastrophe. Some call it overreacting, but I call it self-pity, a Grey Neopet's best friend.

The key to overreac- er, I mean the art of self-pity is to make your problem sound a lot bigger than it really is. Maybe say something like, "Oh no, what if giant Dung Meepits attack and the only thing that'll make them go away is tanning lotion! I'm doomed!" instead of the usual normal Neopet banter, "I forgot my tanning lotion at home. Oh well." You can go on like that with billions of reasons about why you should've brought your tanning lotion. You'll probably be declared the most annoying little imp of all of your friends (if you have any friends left after whining like that), but alas, your Greyness is at stake here!

Quick and Easy Step 3. Remember to *Sigh* a lot. If self-pity is the best friend of a Grey pet, then *sigh*ing would be your creepy neighbor who spends her whole day in front of her computer screen playing Faerie Bubbles, only coming outside of her home to water her prized plot of weeds and get the mail. The thing is, that *sigh*ing is really important if you'd like to be Grey. It's a trademark, a symbol, a... way of recognizing a Grey Neopet. A Grey Neopet who doesn't *sigh* is like a Faerie Neopet without wings or a Pirate Kyrii without its hook up its nose. Simply unimaginable.

*Sigh*ing, like wallowing in self-pity is an art form. If it is used sparingly or in excess, it turns out to be a disaster. You need to find the right amount of *sigh*s and you need to know when to *sigh*. Usually *sigh*ing works out best in the middle of a sentence, or at the end. And me, I'm so nice, I'll even give you confused Grey Neopets out there a few examples:

A sentence with too little *sigh*s: The Dung Meepits are after me and my tanning lotion!!!

A sentence with too many *sigh*s: The *sigh* Dung *sigh* Meepits *sigh* are after me *sigh* and my tanning *sigh* lotion *sigh*!!!

A sentence with a good amount of *sigh*s said at the wrong time: The *sigh* Dung Meepits are after me and *sigh* my tanning lotion!!!

A sentence with a good amount of *sigh*s said at the right time: The Dung Meepits *sigh* are after me and my tanning lotion *sigh*!!!

Do you see how hard it is to learn to *sigh* properly? Even with this well written and very informative article [insert crowd laughing noise] learning how to *sigh* properly is very difficult. To keep it simple, just *sigh* once at the end of a sentence, and perhaps in the middle once or twice for a little variety.

Quick and Easy Step 4. Remember to look miserable, not just feel miserable. What would people say if they saw a smiling Grey Neopet? They would gossip that's what they would do! And no gossip is good gossip, unless it comes from your own mouth! You can't just feel miserable if you're a Grey pet, you have to also look miserable!

There are many ways to look miserable. You can ruffle up your hair, rub mud across your face, and hunch over. This will give you unkempt hair, a dirty face, and bad posture. Why, you ask, am I telling you to make yourself look terrible? Is it because you already have more looks than I have and I'm trying to rob you of them? No. Is it because now I can finally hatch my evil plot on Neopia and let my army of Dung Meepits loose? No. Is it because I'm trying to help you keep up your Grey appearances? DING, DING, DING! We have a winner! In a Grey world, its not enough to feel miserable anymore. You must look the part. So I, your great and kind queen... er... friend, nincondemius, will provide you with some Quick and Easy Sub-Steps to looking miserable:

Quick and Easy Sub-Step A. Act like you don't care. What I mean by this is, act like you don't care about your looks. Trust me, by not washing your face and hair you really will look a lot Greyer... and a lot uglier.

Quick and Easy Sub-Step B. Hunchback of Greyredame. Hunch over, slouch, lean. Sure, you will be scolded because of your bad posture, but like I said earlier, your Greyness is at stake here! A vacant stare here and there wouldn't hurt, either.

Quick and Easy Sub-Step C. Body language is key. The way your body looks, the way your eyes look matter when you're Grey. Try missing out on sleep for a few days to develop large bags under your eyes. Trust me, sleep isn't as important as your appearances.

Quick and Easy Step 5. Be subject to pity. Whether you like it or not, you will be pitied when you are Grey. There's just this cute, sick pitiful look to a Grey pet that so many people find adorable. So, while you're being pitied and waited on hand and foot, why don't you take advantage of this situation like I would?

There are some that will think you are terribly ill and will try to hospitalize you. Keep this in mind, however. You can use this to your advantage and stay at home once Neoschools come around... *cough cough*never*cough cough*. You can also use this to to make up various cures for whatever 'disease' you may pretend you have. Tell your poor sap of an owner that the only way for you to be cured is for them to buy you all the chocolate and candy in the Chocolate Factory *cackle*. You'll be so pitiful, they'll have to do it for you!

Others, yet, will find you so sad looking that they'll try and get you anything your tiny little heart desires, just so you will be happy again. The trick of this is to deny everything they get you, but then secretly hide it away so that you may enjoy it later. This is how I acquired my army- er... collection of Dung Meepits!

So, there you have it! Now you may happily... I mean miserably enjoy your new Greyness and frolick... er brood knowing that this handy dandy guide is here to help you with all things Grey!

Author's Note: Thank you for letting me use up your time that you could've wasted elsewhere to rant about my miserable ideas. Send any hatemail, rotten tomatoes, and hungry Drackonacks to me and I'll be very depressed for days on end.