Turn the Smile Upside Down!
A DARK, AND DANK PLACE, THAT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING ASPARAGUS- What is wrong with
this scenario? You take your pet to the Rainbow Pool, Grey Paint Brush in hand.
After a dip, they come out like your average Grey pet, with a grin on its face.
After which, it runs to the top of a mountain of chocolate merrily with a troupe
of singing Chokato Chias following closely behind.
You're right. Everything is wrong with that situation! Each day, the Rainbow
Pool churns out so many Grey pets, so many Grey pets that don't know how
to act like Grey pets. What they need is a teacher, a queen, a slave driver,
as some choose to call it. So, I, nincondemius, find it my civic duty to teach
the Grey pets of Neopia how to act like Grey pets. You see, society cannot function
normally if everyone doesn't have a specific role to play in it. And if all
of that just went right over your head, I can't blame you. I don't even know
what I just said! Actually, I'm just writing this article because its kind of
annoying to see a Grey neopet who's happier than you. Anyway, without further
ado, step right up and take a trip in the Grey-inator 3500, certified to make
you miserable and depressed in just five Quick and Easy steps!
Quick and Easy Step 1. Bow to your queen nincondemius!!! Eh heh heh...
how did that get in there? *shuffles through desk drawers and endless piles
of notes* Let's just move on and pretend that never happened, then. *laughs
nervously* *eats cabbage* **moves on*
Quick and Easy Step 2. Wallow in self-pity. It's the sunniest day outside
and all your friends are going on a day trip of Kiko Lake, where they're going
to spend the day in happiness and merriment. But, oh, once you get there you
realize that you forgot your tanning lotion at home, how sad. This is the moment
for a Grey Neopet to take advantage of their tiny problem and turn it into something
that seems like the world's largest catastrophe. Some call it overreacting,
but I call it self-pity, a Grey Neopet's best friend.
The key to overreac- er, I mean the art of self-pity is to make your problem
sound a lot bigger than it really is. Maybe say something like, "Oh no, what
if giant Dung Meepits attack and the only thing that'll make them go away is
tanning lotion! I'm doomed!" instead of the usual normal Neopet banter, "I forgot
my tanning lotion at home. Oh well." You can go on like that with billions of
reasons about why you should've brought your tanning lotion. You'll probably
be declared the most annoying little imp of all of your friends (if you have
any friends left after whining like that), but alas, your Greyness is at stake
Quick and Easy Step 3. Remember to *Sigh* a lot. If self-pity is the
best friend of a Grey pet, then *sigh*ing would be your creepy neighbor who
spends her whole day in front of her computer screen playing Faerie Bubbles,
only coming outside of her home to water her prized plot of weeds and get the
mail. The thing is, that *sigh*ing is really important if you'd like to be Grey.
It's a trademark, a symbol, a... way of recognizing a Grey Neopet. A Grey Neopet
who doesn't *sigh* is like a Faerie Neopet without wings or a Pirate Kyrii without
its hook up its nose. Simply unimaginable.
*Sigh*ing, like wallowing in self-pity is an art form. If it is used sparingly
or in excess, it turns out to be a disaster. You need to find the right amount
of *sigh*s and you need to know when to *sigh*. Usually *sigh*ing works out
best in the middle of a sentence, or at the end. And me, I'm so nice, I'll even
give you confused Grey Neopets out there a few examples:
A sentence with too little *sigh*s: The Dung Meepits are
after me and my tanning lotion!!!
A sentence with too many *sigh*s: The *sigh* Dung *sigh* Meepits
*sigh* are after me *sigh* and my tanning *sigh* lotion *sigh*!!!
A sentence with a good amount of *sigh*s said at the wrong time:
The *sigh* Dung Meepits are after me and *sigh* my tanning lotion!!!
A sentence with a good amount of *sigh*s said at the right time: The
Dung Meepits *sigh* are after me and my tanning lotion *sigh*!!!
Do you see how hard it is to learn to *sigh* properly? Even with this well
written and very informative article [insert crowd laughing noise] learning
how to *sigh* properly is very difficult. To keep it simple, just *sigh* once
at the end of a sentence, and perhaps in the middle once or twice for a little
Quick and Easy Step 4. Remember to look miserable, not just feel miserable.
What would people say if they saw a smiling Grey Neopet? They would gossip
that's what they would do! And no gossip is good gossip, unless it comes from
your own mouth! You can't just feel miserable if you're a Grey pet, you have
to also look miserable!
There are many ways to look miserable. You can ruffle up your hair, rub mud
across your face, and hunch over. This will give you unkempt hair, a dirty face,
and bad posture. Why, you ask, am I telling you to make yourself look terrible?
Is it because you already have more looks than I have and I'm trying to rob
you of them? No. Is it because now I can finally hatch my evil plot on Neopia
and let my army of Dung Meepits loose? No. Is it because I'm trying to help
you keep up your Grey appearances? DING, DING, DING! We have a winner! In a
Grey world, its not enough to feel miserable anymore. You must look the part.
So I, your great and kind queen... er... friend, nincondemius, will provide
you with some Quick and Easy Sub-Steps to looking miserable:
Quick and Easy Sub-Step A. Act like you don't care. What
I mean by this is, act like you don't care about your looks. Trust me, by not
washing your face and hair you really will look a lot Greyer... and a lot uglier.
Quick and Easy Sub-Step B. Hunchback of Greyredame. Hunch over,
slouch, lean. Sure, you will be scolded because of your bad posture, but like
I said earlier, your Greyness is at stake here! A vacant stare here and there
wouldn't hurt, either.
Quick and Easy Sub-Step C. Body language is key. The way your body
looks, the way your eyes look matter when you're Grey. Try missing out on sleep
for a few days to develop large bags under your eyes. Trust me, sleep isn't
as important as your appearances.
Quick and Easy Step 5. Be subject to pity. Whether you like it or
not, you will be pitied when you are Grey. There's just this cute, sick pitiful
look to a Grey pet that so many people find adorable. So, while you're being
pitied and waited on hand and foot, why don't you take advantage of this situation
like I would?
There are some that will think you are terribly ill and will try to hospitalize
you. Keep this in mind, however. You can use this to your advantage and stay
at home once Neoschools come around... *cough cough*never*cough cough*. You
can also use this to to make up various cures for whatever 'disease' you may
pretend you have. Tell your poor sap of an owner that the only way for you to
be cured is for them to buy you all the chocolate and candy in the Chocolate
Factory *cackle*. You'll be so pitiful, they'll have to do it for you!
Others, yet, will find you so sad looking that they'll try and get you anything
your tiny little heart desires, just so you will be happy again. The trick of
this is to deny everything they get you, but then secretly hide it away so that
you may enjoy it later. This is how I acquired my army- er... collection of
So, there you have it! Now you may happily... I mean miserably enjoy your
new Greyness and frolick... er brood knowing that this handy dandy guide is
here to help you with all things Grey!
Author's Note: Thank you for letting me use up your time that you could've
wasted elsewhere to rant about my miserable ideas. Send any hatemail, rotten
tomatoes, and hungry Drackonacks to me and I'll be very depressed for days on