Coltzan: Death By Cheese
by chocolateisamust
--------
Also by precious_katuch14
LOST DESERT - Once upon a time there a little king called Coltzan III. I'm sure
you've all heard of him. And if you haven't, you have now. Ahem, anyway, Coltzan's
dead. He died because a party guest at a royal feast murdered him. Ha, at least
that's what everybody wants you to think. The truth deals with a little
fella Kat and Choc like to call… cunning, heartless, exciting, eccentric, smirking
(and) edible, or CHEESE for short. Yes, cheese, the little harmless thing you
eat with pizza and sprinkle on pasta, is the reason for dear Coltzan's death.
And here are fifty (and a couple more) ways Coltzan could've died, all which involve
our little friend...
50. He died from Bloaty Belly disease because he ate too much cheese
49. He was force-fed cheese by Princess Sankara because he was on a dare! And
he choked.
48. He got cheese from all his friends and decided to eat it all one day then
got all bloated and stuff. However, Coltzan, not being smart, kept eating until
he ballooned up and exploded.
47. He told a joke, and Princess Sankara thought it was corny, so she shoved
a piece of cheese into his mouth and he choked on it.
46. Coltzan started a cheese war. He died when somebody dropped a cheese bomb
on his barricade.
45. Someone put Seasonal Attack Peas in Coltzan's cheese.
44. Someone switched Coltzan's cheese for a Golden Lupe Bone Sword.
43. NO! HE DIED FROM BLOATY BELLY! It's facts we're talking about!
42. Yeah right. That's not true. Facts have it that a prankster who was pelting
radioactive cheese at him murdered him.
41. He got attacked by killer cheese. The rest is pretty self-explanatory.
40. He went to the bathroom after eating a lot of cheese and Princess Sankara
flushed him down the toilet.
39. He scared himself to death with his nightmares of cheese.
38. Cheese stabbed him!
37. Princess Sankara filled his room with melted cheese and drowned him in there!
36. A block of cheese whacked him in the head and killed him.
35. TWO blocks of cheese whacked him in the head.
34. Someone made a cheese grenade and hurled it into his bedroom window.
33. Someone made TWO cheese grenades and tossed them into his bedroom window.
32. A gigantic monster made out of cheese stepped on him.
31. He was very lactose-intolerant and died of an allergic reaction to cheese.
30. Someone swapped his riches with cheese and he died of fright.
29. Cheese invaded his castle and ate him.
28. Someone bewitched a bucket of cheese to attack him while he was asleep.
27. Cheese poked him and he died of shock.
26. Princess Vyssa gave him some icky, disgusting cheesecake. So disgusting,
in fact, that the mere taste of it killed poor old Coltzan.
25. Some bewitched cheese growled at him when he first got up in the morning.
The shock of the situation led to Coltzan's demise.
24. He got scared and died of fright when a Weewoo popped out of his real cheese
cheesecake.
23. Coltzan was scared to death when someone read him a horror story about cheese.
22. He got stabbed by a cheese dagger owned by someone in a cheese costume.
21. Cheese decided to kill him randomly.
20. He was buried alive under *gasp!* LIMBURGER CHEESE!!!
19. I forget. Ask cheese master. I mean Bob.
18. The cheese master punished him for being mean to cheese!
17. Coltzan was so addicted to cheese that eventually he ate too much of it
and people got mad and tainted it.
16. He stole the cheese from everyone in the Lost Desert and was punished by
the great Cheese Master.
15. Cheese had something against him because of a little 'incident' when Coltzan
was just a child. Which led up to his death.
14. He tripped on cheese while walking to his bedroom and bonked his head really
badly.
13. He had a vacation house that was made of cheese, and it ate him one day.
12. Or the whole cheesy vacation house just collapsed on him.
11. Or maybe he drowned because it was hot out and the vacation house melted
on him?
10. Or his vacation house of cheese was MUTATED cheese...and the rest is too
gruesome to narrate.
9. Or perhaps he wasn't killed by his vacation house?
8. Nope, he was killed by his vacation house, 'cause it was a hiding
place for the EVIL MUTATED CHEESE!!!
7. So you're saying that mutated cheese killed him?
6. Oh...never mind. Cancel that, we're only talking about regular cheese.
5. He choked on cheese, causing him to fall into a vat of melted cheese, where
he drowned.
4. Coltzan loved to visit the cheese factory, and he had a little mishap with
the cheese staircase.
3. Or was it the cheese slicing-and-dicing machine?
2. No, it wasn't. He fell down the stairs.
1. Oh, the stairs made out of cheddar, swiss or blue cheese? They have three
staircases with different kinds of cheese.
0. I don't know. Let's just say cheddar. Yes, cheddar. The cheddar staircase.
-1. OK then...he tripped on a piece of cheese and fell down the cheddar staircase.
-2. Actually, I think that the Cheese Monster PUSHED him down the cheddar staircase.
-3. Or maybe after pushing him down the stairs, the Cheese Monster ate him up.
-4. Who knows? For all we know, he ate a lump of expired cheese and that was
that! Hey, yah, that's it! Coltzan ate a lump of expired cheese, which killed
him.
-5. I agree!
-6. So, Coltzan wasn't really killed by whoever-he-apparently-was-murdered-by-before.
Coltzan died when he ate a lump of expired cheese. That's all.
Kat: And those are the top 50 (and a couple more) theories on how Coltzan
died...
Choc: With cheese, of course.
Kat: Yeah... so what now?
Choc: I dunno. How about uh… Coltzan, the Death of Chocolate!
Kat: You killed Coltzan? **Gasp**
Choc: Heck no... um… let's just end it already!
Kat: OK, you've reached the end. Read no further! OR ELSE!
DISCLAIMER: Never, ever assume we're right. And if you do, you can't sue us
if it turns out we're wrong. 'Kay? Understand? Good.
