There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 81,443,838 Issue: 150 | 23rd day of Swimming, Y6
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All Plush, No Brain


by shimmering_aurora

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Perhaps you have seen them: that purple cloth Kougra, the Lupe with the stitched face, that frayed Elephante, the Gelert with the beady black eyes. Maybe you think they are adorable. Some of you might have spent months saving up to own one; after all, to have your pet's features formed in plush is worth it, right? Well, I am here to tell you that your coveted plushie Draik and Aisha are, to put it kindly, "intellectually inferior." If you wish to translate that into "just plain stupid," go ahead.

Disagreeing with me, some of you might be inclined to retort, “Well, I have talked to my dear little Cybunny about everything from weather to Neopian physics, and they’ve never perplexed her the least bit.” Or “My plush Krawk is a genius; you can even see it in his button eyes!” Well, such claims are merely products of overactive imaginations. These plush “things” have about as much intelligence as keyrings, and I intend to prove it to you.

First, we can see the lack of intelligence by merely looking at our subjects. Notice the Blumaroo's blank stare? See how stiff the Moehog is, as though it lacks the brain capacity to take even one step forward? Observe the Krawk as it listlessly hunches over? All these attributes signal less than average intelligence.

However, I can almost hear all you plushie pet lovers yelling out old adages: "Looks can be deceiving;" "Don't judge a book by its cover!" Attempting to avoid such a barrage of protests, I decided to quiz ten random subjects who fit the description "plush." I gave each subject a pen or pencil and a notebook before asking them to solve twelve various problems, which I read aloud. I did not bother to separate them, because I figured they were mentally incapable of cheating.

Anyway, I shall now present to you the twelve questions, the number of individuals who attempted to answer them, and the number who answered them correctly:

1) What is the capital of Tyrannia?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: T

2) What are the odds that the Turmaculus will eat your petpet?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: As many Neopians believe, the probability varies inversely with how much you want him to eat your petpet.

3) Name all the Usukis the Usukiland shopkeeper is holding.

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: (may vary) Amy, Anne, Elizabeth, Morgan, Jessica, Laura, Sarah, Nicole, and Bob.

4) The Neopian Times: Neopia's __________________ News Source.

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: Just "Fill in the Blank."

5) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Kyrii pop?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: Neopia may never know...

6) What is the cure for Ugga-Ugga?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: Sporkle Syrup (a spoonful of sugar would be a nice addition, as well.)

7) What does the background of the Weewoo shop blog say?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: I would tell you the correct answer, but they might come after me...

8) What is the answer to next week's "Mystery Pic"?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: I do not know, but I figured I would go ahead and ask.

9) "Sloth's Army is made up of three corps. Each of those corps is made up of two divisions. Each division is made up of three brigades. Each brigade is made up of four battalions (well apart from one of them that is made up of five, but that's another story...) Each battalion is made up of three squadrons. Each squadron is made up of three platoons. A platoon is made up of twenty evil giant killer robots. If a evil giant killer robot costs 150,000 NP to make, how much money has Sloth invested in his evil giant killer robot army?" -Lenny's Conundrum, Round 74

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: 1,971,000,000 Neopoints (Yes, I did figure the problem out by myself. You may observe my user lookup if you refuse to believe me. On second thought, look at the shiny, shiny trophy!)

10) What is the monster inside the Gallery of Evil's cover eating?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: Ask Sloth. He would know.

11) How many Neopoints does Adam have?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answer: More than you - haha!

12) 2+2=?

0/10 Attempted the Question

0/10 Answered Correctly

Answers: 4, 3+1, 5-1, 100-96,...

As you can see, the subjects in this test were unable to correctly answer any of these questions much less attempt any of them. They obviously lacked sufficient intelligence to do so. They could not even lift a pen and scribble something, anything, down on paper; either that or they simply could not comprehend the simple questions that I asked.

Some of you will complain about my testing technique. You will shout about the unfairness of my questions, how they are not an adequate test of intelligence. Maybe you shall insist that all ten subjects were simply tired or in a bad mood? Or perhaps you will try to shift the blame onto lack of Neoschools?

Complain as you like, at least I chose a humane way to judge their intelligence. Would the critics prefer that I simply engaged in surgery upon their heads to see if they even had brains? Or possibly adding dire consequences, such as a meeting with the Spider Grundo, if they refused to answer the questions put to them? I thought not. Although not the most accurate way to test intelligence, my procedures provide measurements without giving Neopians cause to charge me with cruelty.

However, although my testing lacks perfection, it shows that plushie "things" are not intelligent. I would go so far as to accuse them of not being sentient. So, stop saving up money to buy that Pirate Peophin Plushie or Cloud Draik Plushie. Stay away from the Toy Shop! Instead, put your money to a better cause, such as painting your pet plushie!

 
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