NEW MARAQUA - The Kelp. That is the latest fad overthrowing Neopia these days.
It has savory foods for your pet to enjoy, gracious waitresses to bring you your
heart’s desires, memorable decorations and, best of all, and avatar! I recently
had my first experience at Kelp, and I certainly won’t be forgetting it anytime
I had been trying to get into Kelp for days, but it was always full with a
mob of eager Neopians waiting for someone to stagger sleepily out of the restaurant.
Finally, I was able to step through those Maraquan doors into the fabled restaurant.
Gingerly stepping down the stairs and over the body of a young girl who was
being fanned by her Acara, I took my first look at Kelp. It was all I had dreamed
it would be.
Waiters and waitresses carried scrumptious delights past my unbelieving eyes.
Neopets gorged themselves on Stramberry Sausages. An owner rushed by me, crying,
“I’m ruined, I’m ruined!”.
Wait. The food wasn’t THAT expensive, was it? I checked my pocket money. I
figured that, if I shaved a few Neopoints off my paintbrush fund, I could pay,
if necessary, about 2,500 Neopoints maximum. I mean, it couldn’t be any more
that about 500 Neopoints a course, could it?
Okay, you can stop laughing at me now. We were all young and innocent once,
I took a look at the menu. I became slightly suspicious when I didn’t see any
prices. My Kougra, Kooky, drooled happily and read the menu. After some thought,
she selected an appetizer of Angel Hair Salad, followed by a couple Stramberry
Sausages, a Triple Chocolate Shell to top it off, and some Aged Tchea Juice.
I got out my 2,500 Neopoints, fully ready to pay for the meal using every one
Then I saw the bill. Thirteen thousand for the Salad, thirty-one thousand for
the Sausages, nine thousand for the Juice, and twelve thousand for the Dessert.
That came up to… my hands trembled… sixty-five thousand Neopoints for a dinner
for one pet.
I now understood the sobbing, broken owners. I managed to get by because I
brought only one pet. I had seen owners bring three or, horrors, even four pets
in. Sixty-five thousand was manageable for me. For some of these victims, the
Soup Kitchen was the only restaurant they’d be eating in.
With an avatar in mind, I forked over half of my bank account for one meal.
Kooky gulped down her food, burped, and said she was ready to leave. No avatar.
No leftovers. I couldn’t believe it.
In desperation, I spent another thirty thousand on food. Still no leftovers.
Shaking from Neopoint withdrawal, I decided to take my very-bloated-yet-still-leaving-no-leftovers
As I walked out, I saw a sea of happy, eager Neopians waiting to get into Kelp.
Kooky waddled out, and I smiled knowledgeably. They didn’t know the true Kelp.
Why should I warn them?
After we left, I began thinking, a dangerous activity. Kelp cannot be a mere
restaurant. A real restaurant would not be able to keep business while charging
that much. Kelp must be a cover for a much more sinister activity, which needs
lots of Neopoints. The suspects? Here they are:
Sloth: Ah, the typical mastermind behind sinister activities. Dr. Sloth may
be using Kelp to finance his latest takeover of Neopia. This would definitely
explain the owners rushing to waste their money in Kelp: they’re hypnotized.
The next time you drop by Kelp, you should definitely grab a few owners and
some Neopets, drag them to your Neohome, and educate them on the dangers of
eating at Kelp. A lively game of Dr. Sloth Piñata can be enjoyable after the
lesson. Really, they’ll thank you later.
Jhudora: This dark faerie has been awful quiet lately. And it may be that she’s
finally figured out what to do with all the obscure items she’s been asking
for: start a restaurant! The toys and petpets make wonderful decorations. Check
your food carefully if you insist on eating at Kelp; you never know what vile
potion she may have slipped in your Tropical Fruit Bowl…
Captain Scarblade: This new villain in Neopia could be more trouble than we
thought. Scarblade is known for terrorizing the seas and robbing merchant vessels.
But what does he do with his ill-gotten booty? His crew couldn’t eat ALL the
delicacies from the vessels. Scarblade could have decided to start a restaurant
with the leftovers. It would be a good way to spy on Maraqua. And after all,
an expensive restaurant like Kelp is a perfect way to pay an army or pirates…
Edna the Witch: She’s not necessarily evil, but this old witch could be up
to something quite naughty. After an embarrassing incident in which a Faerie
Cybunny took a potion that was supposed to increase it’s hitpoints and, instead,
turned into a Yellow Grundo, Edna decided she needed a better way to experiment
with her potions. But would people really pay make their pets gulp down food
likely containing nasty potions for the possibility of an avatar? Most likely.
Keep this article in mind the next time you stand in line for hours to get
into Kelp. This may, possibly, be an evil plot to destroy Neopia. Think about
it: if someone wanted to build a fancy restaurant, why would they go to an underwater
community that has only been rebuilt for about a month and will probably be
attacked by evil pirates? If it has been destroyed once, it could be destroyed
again. A real businessneopian would have chosen a safer watery land, such as
Kiko Lake or Mystery Island.
I hope you have taken this dire warning seriously. Pets, threaten to play
wheel of misfortune every day until your owners give up. Owners, threaten to
force your pets to take jobs as an apprentice to the Monotony Quiggle. National
Neopian, double your guards. Don't let those poor owners go broke paying for
Kelp. Neopets Staff, you may want to move the NeoHospital to Maraqua, but include
a wing for owners. With the amount of Neopoints being spent at Kelp, I think
the NeoHospital will get a lot more business if it is next to Kelp. Also I believe
that owner I tripped over in the doorway is still there. You might want to move
her. You know, property values and all that. And above all, avoid Kelp if you
value your Neopoints. They really are out to get you.
Oh look! It’s that Maraquan Scorchio from Kelp! Hi Mr. Scorchio! Wait! What
are you doing with that Wrenchfish? Nooooo!