Top Secrets Revealed: Dr. Sloth's Answering Machine
SPACE STATION – A while ago, a great secret was revealed to the whole Neopia.
Probably not a lot of Neopians noticed this, since they were busy trying out for
the competition in which this secret was announced indirectly. This message was
cleverly hidden in Random Contest number 8.
If you tried out for that one, you were probably having lots of fun pretending
to be Sloth and making an answering machine message. If you don’t know about
it, well, guess what? You know now. Okay, okay, I’ll get to the point now. The
fact is, that contest gives an important piece of information about Sloth. Drumroll,
please! You see, if the contest was about making up something like Sloth’s answering
machine, then... yes, that means... *gasp* He probably has one!
I mean, if an evil genius has spiff stuff like computers, spaceships and ray
blasters, then he probably has a phone and an answering machine. After all,
why would a contest be about making a message if Sloth himself did not have
one? Conclusion: Sloth has an answering machine. And it’s probably model Super2109
or something like that.
Now that I proved this to you with many examples, don’t you feel like you want
to know what’s in there? What the real deal says? Well, today is your lucky
day! With a little help from a nice, cooperative Grundo, you’ll find out what
is on Dr. Sloth’s answering machine!
First of all, I should warn you that reading this might hurt your brain and
forever scar your sanity (if you’re still sane) and perhaps ruin the image you
have of the great Dr. Sloth. Moi, an innocent Neopian Times reporter, is not
to blame if these things do happen. (Hey! I warned you already, you know!) If
you still want to know, keep on reading.
Well, you should know that Sloth, like all of us, sometimes gets bored. The
Grundo, who shall remain nameless, informed me that Sloth actually keeps several
different answering machine messages and occasionally record one. The nameless
pet also claimed that Sloth changes the message every month or two. Below are
five messages that we got before the line broke down. I will also provide some
analysis for the messages. Enjoy.
Message #1 – Recorded... err... a long time ago
*evil music intro with lots of thunder* Ten seconds later... Still haven’t
left? *scoff* Well, you should know who I am. *loud evil laugh* I am the supreme
ruler of Neopia! Forget Fyora and bow to me! Be awed by my voice! Your master
is the great Dr. Sloth! Just mutter what you have to and don’t waste space,
you little pathetic being. *long, dragged-out evil laugh* Beep.
Shadow: Incredibly traditional. The charm with it is that it’s very concise.
You can get a good Sloth voice sample here, Neopians.
Message #2 – Recorded at the beginning of the Month of Awakening, Year 7
*evil theme music plays* Happy Valentine! *loud noise of something being
hit* Now that’s it. Valentine does not exist in my calendar. I am the almighty
Doctor Frank Sloth! *roar* The word ‘valentine’ does not exist in the Slothictionary!
Leave your message and leave! *whisper* Just leave if you’re Fyora. And if you’re
going to read valentines, read them to the Space Faerie! *evil laugh* Beep.
Shadow: Err... This was a Valentine special we found. Like the first message,
it is rather short. Focuses on valentine. Despite the fact that Sloth claims
that he doesn’t like valentine, one can see through a thorough psychological
analysis that our great Dr. Sloth will indeed enjoy reading his valentines.
Otherwise he would never have bothered with that day at all, much less record
a special message just for a day that comes around once a year.
Message #3 – Recorded many years ago, month not found in memory
*theme music plays* This is Dr. Sloth, the genius. Fear me! *fake shrilly screams
are played* Leave a message after the meep. Have a dreadful mother’s day, Marcy!
*whisper* And don’t call me Slothy. Meep.
Shadow: Really short. Fortunately no one but Sloth’s dear mommy heard that
one. It would seem that he immediately deleted it after his mother called. This
is a sweet message, which proves that even bad boys remember their mother. Well,
that, or the threat of losing his fat allowance. Who knows?
Message #4 – Recorded rather recently, further data not found
*theme music plays* This is the great Dr. Sloth’s answering machine. Please
leave a message after the beep and please don’t anger Dr. Sloth. PLEASE! *sob*
Shadow: That was interesting... Another one of those only-played-once messages.
The voice and the politeness doesn’t sound like Dr. Sloth’s, so it must’ve been
one of his employees recording that message. Either that, or a hypnotist visited
Sloth. Finally something that sounds remotely normal... If you exclude that
sobbing and the desperate cry, of course.
Message #5 – Recorded just before last year’s Sloth Appreciation Day
*music of doom plays* All hail the all-powerful Dr. Frank Sloth! Appreciate
him wherever you walk! *more music plays* All hail Sloth, Sloth is your master,
Sloth is the best, no one is faster... *abruptly cut off*
Shadow: Unfortunately we didn’t get this message completely, since the computer
shut down right at that time and nothing that Grundo did could get working again.
A week after the incident, the nameless Grundo contacted me and said that all
the messages had been erased. Well, from what we can see, Sloth has a wonderful
dark singing voice. I presume that the part where he starts chanting about himself
is supposed to be some Sloth Anthem. Still, it is obvious that this message
probably exceeds the others in length and is entirely dedicated to Sloth. Too
bad we couldn’t get the whole message...
Well, that’s it for today, folks. I hope this didn’t shock you too much. Hopefully
that poor Grundo will get the computer working, and if that happens, I promise
to provide you with more interesting messages on Dr. Sloth’s Answering Machine.
Note that no Grundos or any other pets were hurt the making of this article...
*holds up a ray bracelet and looks at the Space Station* ...yet. Please also
note that this article is entirely fictional and the author is in no way associated
Dr. Sloth: I am DOCTOR Sloth! Not just Sloth, you rude, weird little thing!
Shadow: Whatever. *blows raspberry at Sloth* Anyhow, have a wonderful day and
try to avoid visiting the Space Station if you can! Hoped you enjoyed reading
this article, my first attempt at something humorous (for an article) for a
long time. Neomails, comments and constructive criticism are welcome :)