A Yurble stole my cinnamon roll! Circulation: 90,556,131 Issue: 162 | 15th day of Collecting, Y6
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The Wheel Deal


by pk_fire14

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NEOPIA CENTRAL--With the recent addition of the Wheel Of Knowledge to the world of Neopia, life has gotten even more complicated. Now there are close to a half dozen distinct wheels to be found. My fears are that this number will continue increasing and increasing in a Snowball Effect. Incidentally, the Snowball Effect is named for the period in Neopia’s history when the Icy Snowball was created. Fearing this wasn’t enough, the Wet Snowball was created, followed by the Yellow Snowball, the Exploding Snowball, the Stone Snowball, the Peach Snowball and so on until today, when new Snowballs like the Tortured Snowball and the Extra Evil Snowball are still being churned out. The Snowball effect simply refers to something that grows bigger and spins out of control, like...gee, I can’t think of anything...hmmm....Oh yes! Like the Wheel Of Monotony, only faster. And that pulls us back to the original topic, which is the existence of Wheels.

I realized soon after my initial worrying, however, that there was some good in this situation. As more wheels are being created, it would be useful if someone compiled a list of the next wheels that will soon be constructed. And I just love being ‘someone.’ So sit back, relax and enjoy a list of wheels that you will probably never see... but if they get desperate, there’s always a chance...

The Wheel Of Longevity: Has only one space on it, and that’s ‘Spin Again!’

The Wheel Of Stupidity: The guard isn’t too bright, so you can spin it as many times as you like. Unfortunately, the prizes all involve falling anvils.

The Wheel Of Excrement: Gives out such great prizes as ’Win 20 Piles of Dung!’, ‘Win 1000 Piles of Dung!’, ‘Blasted By Dung Catapult!’, and ‘New Battledome Challenger: The Sanitation Faerie!’

The Wheel Of Poetry: Go on, try it, give it a spin.

And hope that you will something win.

You might get a Pull-Along Peophin!

(I think this rhyme is stretched quite thin.)

The Wheel Of Calcium: Synergizing a wheel with the ever-popular game Cheeseroller, all the spokes on this Wheel are Cheese Wedges. You get to keep whichever one you land on. The trouble is that the wheel is located in Meridell, and a gang of Rogue Drackonacks hang around at the exit of the gang, very hungry for cheese.

The Wheel Of Productivity: The good news is that if you win, your Internet connection speed doubles. The bad news is that the Flash animation is so complex that there are only four computers in the world that can view it in its entirety.

The Wheel Of Polarity: What an attractive Wheel! When your Neopet tries to spin it, their hands get stuck and they’re dragged along at 40mph for about 20 minutes. But, there is a nice avatar up for grabs. (The ‘StopThisCrazyThingI’mGoingToHurl’ Avatar.)

The Wheel Of Merriment: Soon to replace the Roo Island Merry-Go-Round. You either make your pets so sad that they turn Blue, or so happy that they turn Yellow. Bring spare Paint Brushes.

The Wheel Of Borovan-ity: 3/4 of the spokes take you to a special page where you can view Borovan’s daily thoughts. (Sample entry: THE SPIDER-MICE WILL CAPTURE US ALL!! AAAUUGGHH! Later, I ate some Asparagus.)

The Wheel Of Majority: Every time you spin, all the Faeries in Neopia gather for a meeting to decide whether or not you are worthy to receive the prize. Though they usually decide to not give it to you, this is a perfect time to loot the Hidden Tower, eat your fill at the Neggery and switch the Soup Pot / the Island Cooking Pot for fun.

The Wheel Of Electrocution: 20,000 Meepits in wheels provide enough energy to... well, you’d better hope it doesn’t land on the Lightning Bolt symbol.

The Wheel Of Pity: If you lose 500 times in a row on this wheel, Fyora will be kind enough to give you 1,000,000 Neopoints. The Wheel is computer-engineered to give you a win every 499th spin.

The Wheel Of Metaphors: As a Basic Lightning Beam is fast, so is the Wheel Of Metaphors, the Lenny-Conundrum-featuring-some obscure-java-code-Clever Wheel of Meerca-Chase-Levelx8-Speed and SpankaroonieTwo (before he turned into a Baby Meerca)-style Intelligence. Finding the wheel is akin to locating the Pant Devil and the Shadow Usul playing Cheat with 23 Dr. Sloth Clones. To spin the wheel requires the Strength of day-old Borovan at the Coffee House that was thrown out because it killed three customers when it exploded with power, and to watch it on its tiring slow journey (similar to a trek across Mystery Island chasing the sun with only three Juppies for company) requires razor sharp eyes, as sharp as the Claws of the Maintenance Pteri before he rips down the site while you’re in the middle of your 3-hour bout with Punchbag Bob that you bought a new Plastic Butter Knife specifically for. *Here the author is whacked over the head with a Weewoo by the Editor of the NT, who is annoyed in the way that Hannah would be annoyed if she were-WHACK! Owwww!!!* Sorry. (And you know there’s some little reader out there going ‘A metaphor DOES NOT contain ‘Like’ or ‘As,’ and he used ‘Like’ and ‘As.’ I think he should be fined. I’m going to spam him about how his terrible grammar is the root of all hatred in the world.)

The Wheel Of Rapidity: The opposite of the Wheel Of Monotony. Travels so fast that you can’t be sure where it landed and if the owner pushed it from ‘Win a Mortog!’ to ‘Win a Mortog Exploding In Your Face!’

The Wheel Of Percussion: This one is sponsored by Wock ‘Til You Drop. The odds are difficult to beat, and the symbols on the wheel are actually cymbals. I bet it'll drum up some interest.

The Wheel Of Execution: Whereas this one is sponsored by Dr. Sloth. When asked about it, he said, quote, ‘MWAHAHAHAHAA!!’ I’d watch out for the Happy Face Spot on it if I were you...

The Wheel Of Jelly: This wheel of JELLY is quite interesting and can be found in the exotic WORLD of Happy Valley, where (if your pet EXISTS and isn’t a ghost) anyone can GO TO THE Wheel and spin it, hoping for an URL that will take them to a page OF wonder where they can win anything from a Jelly Chia Plushie to a link for WW- *Entry Cannot Load. Flash Player Required.*

The Wheel Of Wheel: Only unlocked if you land on the ‘Wheel’ space on every other wheel, this is where to go if you want to win a random free spin once per day. Seeing how the combined time required to actually unlock the Wheel Of Wheel is 26 hours, it just doesn’t seem worth it, ya know?

The Wheel Of Inferno: Well, if you win the jackpot on this one, your pets will finally get the Fire color they’ve been begging for. Except it’s not a Paint Brush.

The Wheel Of Serendipity: All the spaces are unlucky, but you stand a good chance of meeting the Fountain Faerie immediately afterwards, who’ll say something like ‘Aww... I don’t give my quests to unlucky people like you. Sorry!’

The Wheel Of Spirituality: Haunted/Run by King Coltzan III and Mrs. Prenderghast, the Wheel of Spirituality is unfortunately transparent so that you have to blow on it to spin it. They rent out Iron Lungs to do the blowing for you, but trust me, they're not cheap.

The Wheel Of Employment: The jackpot prize is the chance to visit Neopets, Inc. for a day. (First task: answer the 5,723,902 password requests received between 6:30 and 7.)

The Wheel Of Mutiny: Whatever the prize, the automatic reaction is that your pets go on strike until you stop reading articles about imaginary Wheels.

Wow. That’s a lot of wheels. Hopefully this will give the Neopets Team enough to keep rolling along. (I am soooo funny.) The thing is, though, the chances are good that some of these might actually start popping up. I’m warning TNT, though...I want royalties. Maybe a special trophy, the ‘Wheely-Odd-Writer Trophy.’ Yeah...So until the next time I get an urge to earn a shiny, shiny NT trophy, bye.

 
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