Come dance with the gypsies... Circulation: 142,874,434 Issue: 200 | 22nd day of Swimming, Y7
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series
 

Neopian Etiquette


by humblely

--------

Have you ever stared across your fine brown wooden table to see a Neopet grabbing everything in their path, shoving it into their mouth? Have you ever looked to your left side, to see your owner doing the same thing, but also licking her fingers for the rest of the barbeque sauce?

Have no fear, fellow Neopians, because I am here to supply you with this guide. Who am I? I am Ashkinzy, survivor of the dinner table. So listen up, and here are the steps.

1. Glasses/drinks should be on your left side.

Hu: B-WHAT? I'm right-handed!

2. Simply say excuse me, when leaving the table.

Hu: Now, wait a minute, what if you're leaving the house?!

3. Chew with your mouth closed.

Sia: What if you're a Lenny with a beak?

4. Wait until everyone has finished to leave the table.

Sia: Wait a sec! These are pirates! O_o They all drank five bottles and fell asleep! *frets*

5. Use your left hand to hold your fork and then use your right hand to cut with your knife.

Hu: But what if you're a Pteri? Or a Lupe? Neopets have no hands!

6. When you have extremely greasy hands, use a napkin to wipe your hands.

Hu: But then you're going to waste all the good sauce!

7. Don't touch your food. Use your utensils. They are there for a reason...

Hu: I thought they were there for decoration.

8. Never talk with food in your mouth.

Hu: What if it is in your beak, like a Lenny?

9. Pass around the plate clockwise.

Sia: What if you’re the last person? Around and around we go...

10. Stretching across the table to grab a food item is considered incredibly rude.

Sia: So what are we supposed to do? Only eat from half of the table?

11. Don't take the last piece of anything if you want to be polite.

Sia: Err... That means... no cake for me? ;_;

12. Don't make a slurpy sound when drinking soup.

Hu: Then how are we supposed to slurp the rest of it?!

13. Don't talk a lot during eating.

Hu: Then that would be boring. You have to talk, right?

14. When eating pasta, twirl the pasta with your fork.

Hu: Why not a spoon?

15. Don't talk while having utensils in your mouth.

Sia: Why would you put a fork in your mouth anyway? Unless you're a Grarrl or Skeith, of course...

16. Only use a fork to lift food and eat.

Sia: What about my dessert? Ice cream and forks don't really go well together...

17. Don't chew loudly. Instead, do it slowly and precisely.

Sia: Then it'll take forever to eat anything!

18. Don't be rude enough to say that the food tastes awful.

Sia: What if it tastes really bad? *eyes all the guests who have fainted*

19. Don't cough or place bacteria in any way in the food.

Sia: But... some foods are just bacteria.

20. Don't chew gum.

Sia: Aww... This isn't school...

21. Don't put your feet on the chair opposite to you even if it is empty.

Sia: What about the chair beside that chair?

22. Don't tip the chair backwards.

Sia: Then I'll tip it forward!

23. No burping.

Hu: But what I really have to burp? Oh well, there's always the other end...

24. Begin with each phrase with a "please" and end it with a "thank you".

Hu: But, what if I'm tell them a story?

25. Don't slouch.

Hu: Why not?! It's so comfy!

26. Use a spoon when having soup.

Hu: ...how would you use a fork to eat soup?

27. When requesting for an item that is beyond your reach, politely say, "Please pass the...". Do not reach over for the item yourself, because you will cause a mess.

Hu: Oh that is so true. You see, last week I had dinner and then I leaned over...blah, blah, blah...

28. Don't pick your nose.

Hu: Why not? It's so funny when people give me those weird stares when I do that at the table.

29. Cover your mouth and nose when you sneeze.

Hu: I'm going to be too busy holding my utensils

30. Don’t stare at other pets when they’re eating.

Sia: So where are you supposed to look?

31. Don't bite your nails.

Hu: Umm... Neopets don't have nails.

32. Don't leave lots of stuff on your plate, but don't clean it either.

Sia: So what do you want me to do? O_o

33. Don't play with your food.

Hu: Aw, come on. What else would you play with at the table?

34. When dining at a friend's house, wait for the friend to eat and then eat.

Hu: What if it's not your friend. What if they never eat? NOOOOO!

35. When there is more than one utensil of every kind, use the smallest one last (for dessert).

Sia: *looks at the thirty-some forks* Err... So which one do you use first?

36. Make sure to show your appreciation for the food. You don't want to be an ingrate.

Sia: B-but... What if I don't actually like the food? *looks at spicy foods* And the food doesn't appreciate me...

37. Don't make loud crunching noises when eating food.

Hu: Augh! Then how am I going to eat a carrot?

38. Swallow everything before opening your mouth again.

Sia: Hey! What are you supposed to chew with if you swallow your teeth too?

39. This rule does not exist because Hu is too stupid and barbaric like.

Hu: If this rule doesn't exist, how am I reading it?

40. Don't drool.

Hu: But what if the food's REALLY REALLY REALLY good?

41. *brain freeze* Look at rule thirty-nine.

Hu: Uh...

42. Don't eat more food than your companion.

Hu: What if your companion is a petpet rock?!

43. Wait for everyone to arrive at the table before serving yourself to some food.

Hu: Just SOME food? Oh come on, I want ALL of the food...

44. Don’t do weird stuff under the table, like kicking someone very hard.

Sia: What if they kick you first? Or if they say something inappropriate

45. Whatever you do, do NOT listen to the advise of the writers of this article. For your own sake...

Hu: Bu-WHAT? Why, Ashkinzy? We're not not unreliable.

Sia: *kicks Hu under the table* Hu, you do realize that you just used a double negative, and what you said basically meant that we're unreliable.

Hu: What?

Ashkinzy: Well anyways, excuse those comments of those two morons. Hope you enjoyed the article, and ta ta for now.

*article puffs into a misty blue hue and dies out*

A/N: Neomail us any comments! We don't bite, well at least Hu doesn't...

 
Search the Neopian Times




Great stories!


---------

Sad? No. Nuts? Yes.
This is what happens when you turn your back on a grey pet...

by zyanid

---------

Neopian Writers United Inc.
"The new writing contest down at the Catacombs sounds like fun. We could give that a shot."

by lemmykoopa300

---------

Petpet Mania
Hurrah for the Whinny!

by hallonglass

---------

A Promise is a Promise: Part One
Ani was starting to get impatient. The sky blue Ruki gave a groan and slouched down even further into the bench she sat on, shifting her eyes gloomily at the sky...

by cruzerchic123



Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.