Evil Plots 101: How to Properly Plan an Evil Plot
Lately, Neopia has been seeing a lot of plots and it is becoming hard to miss
the one thing they all have in common: they all failed. It seems no matter how
a villain attacks Neopia nowadays, there is always a way to foil his or her plans
and a pesky hero to find that way.
Never fear, villains of Neopia, I am here! After careful examination of the
plots of the previous couple of years, I have compiled a handy list of things
that have brought some of the world’s finest and evilest villains to their demise,
in order to help any aspiring young dictators-in-the-making to avoid committing
the mistakes that have brought down their predecessors. And here it is:
1. Don’t unleash any manner of ancient evil unless you are absolutely certain
you can control it. Just look at what happened to the Thieves Guild after they
brought back the Bringer of Night and to that unfortunate Fire Faerie after
she released that giant Moltenore in the volcano.
2. Make sure the guy whose throne you usurped/who you left for dead in the
middle of nowhere is indeed dead. They have a very nasty way of coming back
for revenge and that can really mess up a good plot. Just ask Lord Kass or Galem.
3. No matter how strong, you must always fight the urge to show off by leaving
clues. The Meerca thieves would have almost certainly gotten away with Coltzan’s
crown if it hadn’t been for that foolish (and extremely illiterate, might I
add) note that they left. Trust me, you will have plenty of time to show off
when you are all-powerful and mighty, but until you complete your plot try to
keep the incognito and avoid such rookie mistakes.
4. Be nice to your minions. While it might be more evil and amusing to be a
ruthless, cold-hearted dictator, being a ruthless, but nice dictator definitely
pays off in the long run. Just think; if Dr. Sloth had had better public relations
with his army of mutant Grundos, you could be reading the Slothopian Times right
now. Imagine all that beautiful green that Neopia will never be covered in (except
on St. Patrick’s day) all because Sloth had to go and be mean to his Grundos,
discouraging them right out of fighting for his worthy cause.
5. Avoid building your evil lair in a location where falling into something
deadly, like molten lava, or continuous empty space followed by the sudden apparition
of ground, is easy. Too many villains have had excellent plots foiled because
of this, so unless you can fly, stick to solid, sea-level ground. It might have
less style, but you can never be too careful.
6. Stay away from relationships, at least until you are all-powerful and invincible.
I’m not saying an evil villain can never find an evil spouse and live happily
ever after, wreaking havoc on the world together, but often enough, anyone claiming
to love an evil dictator bent on bringing Neopia to its knees through dastardly
devices and plots would sell you out for a Bagguss if they had the chance. Must
I mention a certain Grarrl thief betrayed by a certain power-hungry Acara not
so long ago? Besides, celebrity relationships never last.
7. Any evil dictator and their uncle can find an ancient artefact of doom in
order to gain unheard-of powers of destruction nowadays, and it never seems
to work. Why not be creative? Pull out your evil arts-and-crafts supplies and
make your own object of ultimate power! All the other villains will be so impressed!
8. Don’t join the battle, no matter how much you want to. You may be powerful,
but after all those trophy-hungry pets have made their pathetic attempts to
fight you, you will be worn-out, and that is when some majal_kita-of-a-pet will
decide to attack you, crushing you and thus cutting your siege short. The Monoceraptor
was defeated by a pet, Lord Darigan was defeated by a pet, Lord Kass was defeated
by a pet, and you will be too, if you go into battle yourself. Why not take
a leaf out of Dr. Sloth’s book and use an evil ray from a safe distance while
your minions and/or clones do all the dirty work for you? Just make sure to
set up proper force-fields, or something around your station, in order to avoid
all possible collisions with large doomsday devices of your own making thrown
by irritating space faeries.
9. If you have seized the ultimate object of doom, don’t listen to the voices
telling you to use it for your own purposes. Go to a psychiatrist. Listening
to the voices has never resulted in anything good. Just look at what happened
to Lord Darigan after he started listening to the voices and tried using the
orb to become powerful. I will only say this one more time. Don’t listen to
the voices. They rarely have your best interest at heart. As a matter of fact,
I suggest harbouring mistrust for anything insubstantial that talks to you.
No voices are good voices. Trust me.
10. Wear comfortable and durable clothes, because if your plan fails and you
are forced to escape, you might be stuck in them for a while, and no self-respecting
villain wants to see themselves running away in their undies on the front page
of the Neopian Times.
Keep in mind that these are only general guidelines. An evil plot is as individual
and different as the person hatching it, and not all of these rules may apply
to yours. As long as you follow your dreams and stay true to the dark side,
even if you do become a failure, you will always be an evil failure. And who
knows, maybe one day you too will have your own avatar for your minions to collect.
And you can make it shiny and super hard to get, or most evil of all, it can
be RANDOM! But I digress… One thing is for sure; Neopia’s next great villain
is out there, waiting for his time to come and it most certainly won’t be long
until that time is upon us.