Direct From The Annual Gormball Championships
ANNUAL GORMBALL CHAMPIONSHIPS -
Shoyruki: Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to the 6th annual Gormball
Championships, the game that has everyone wondering how a ball can explode in
a shower of acid and reform instantaneously. I’m your host, Shoy Shoyruki.
Tonummo: And I’m Ton Tonummo, the co-host of this special live broadcast.
We’ve been eagerly awaiting this event all year, and are looking forward to
a great day of timing, passing, strategy, and of course, funny explosions.
Shoy: As you can see, the competitors are making their way down to the
field now. Look! There’s Brian the Red Scorchio. Brian claimed the Golden Gormball
trophy last year before unfortunately testing positive for illegal Chokato injections.
One can wonder how he dares to show his face this year.
Ton: One can only wonder, Shoy. And here comes Ursula the Usul, who
claims that she’s been practicing all year with her mint condition Gormball
Usuki™ Play Set. Apparently she doesn’t want a repeat of her usual tendency
to forget that she’s holding the ball and have it go off in her face after six
Shoy: Representing the Faerieland Team is Ember the Fire Faerie, who
scores an average of 59gpg (Gormpoints Per Game) and more if she can succeed
in casting her spells that set the opponents on fire.
Ton: I’m sure that sparks will fly. Next up is Thyassa, who has stepped
back into the Purple Chia color and species just for the day, and is waving
happily and saying something about bringing the entire wrath of TheNeopetsTeam
down on anyone if they don’t support him.
Shoy: Haha, what a kidder, Ton. See, the crowd loves him so much that
they’re emptying their wallets onto the playing field and holding up placards
that show Thyassa as Master of The Universe.
Ton: We’ll be right back to the Annual Gormball Championships right
after these messages.
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(A lavish action sequence, involving, among other things, exploding marrows
and a falling Kau.)
Ton: Welcome back to the Gormball Championships. The game has just started,
and the entire crowd is waiting with baited breath, especially those who sampled
the Honey & Garlic Grubwiches from the snack vendor.
Shoy: And OOOOHHHH, that’s a bad start for Kevin Korbat, who was blasted
in the head by the Gormball after a 84mph toss from Gargarox Isafuhlarg. That’s
Ton: Indeed, Shoy. Kevin hasn’t had a very good sports season at all,
not since that unfortunate falling Elephante-Morphing-Potion incident in Korbat’s
Shoy: And now the ball’s going from Brian to Farvin III, the Alien Aisha
sporting hair products sponsored by NeoCement Industries. Farvin passes to Ember,
to Ursula and OUCH! There goes Brian after a nasty quick toss from Ursula. Brian
unfortunately had his hands full with his illegal GormBallBlaster and was unable
to block the toss.
Ton: But it was a nice move on Ursula’s part. She’ll surely win a Pink
Gormball bonus for that.
Shoy: That was unexpected. Ursula forgot to pocket the Pink Gormball
and it exploded all over her nice new dress, putting her out of the match.
Ton: That must be a lesson for all the Gormball Wannabes in the crowd.
And now the ball is going from Farvin, to Ember....and now for the first time
to Zargrold, the ‘cool’ Grundo.
Shoy: Zargrold’s flashy moves and jumpy game style were once thought
to be especially trendy and exciting, but were recently discovered to be nothing
more than spasmodic muscle spasms due to brain implants he received from Dr.
Ton: That’s would get under your skin. But Zargrold’s convulsions are
especially flamboyant today, and...yes, he’s managed to knock Gargarox out of
the competition, with a clever head-bop double toss Ringer Gormball toss. We
haven’t seen that kind of move since, oh, since Dr. Sloth attempted to use Zargrold
to hold Thyassa hostage with a nuclear Gormball four years ago.
Shoy: Yes, good memories. And now as Gargarox strides off the field,
consoling himself by eating passing Kikos, we’re down to four competitors .
The battle is intense, the competition is hot.... and we’ll be right back after
a word from our sponsor.
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This new language has put thousands of young, innocent Space Gnomes out of employment.
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Shoy: We’re back, live at the 6th annual Gormball Championships, where
a surprising development has just been enacted.
Ton: The widely acclaimed Zargrold has just been eliminated from the
match due to a Gormball superheating itself to approximately 1,800,032 degrees
Celsius and bursting in his face giving him painful steam burns all over his
Shoy: I’m sure he’ll live. Ember the Fire Faerie has been accused of
this assault but denies all claims, while replacing her Million Degree Sword
in her training bag, then watching the bag bust into flames because the sword
is still a little hot.
Ton: Well, nothing suspicious there. And back to the game. It’s Farvin
to Thyassa, then back to Farvin, Ember, Thyassa...and OOOHhh, the Gormball’s
Shoy: It most certainly has, Ton. Interestingly enough, the ball exploded
in front of Farvin, but he erected a Psychic Shield that bounced the explosion
onto Ember, who’s now covered in the Mystery Gormball Fluid that is at least
30% Sulfuric acid.
Ton: That will certainly dampen her spirits.
Shoy: Stop making stupid puns, Ton. That’s my job.
Ton: Point made. And now Ember is leaving the field after a short pause
to ignite Farvin III’s shuttle pod. That’s going to cost her.
Shoy: Actually, it’ll cost him, as Farvin’s insurance policies do not
cover Acts of God/Ghosts/Faeries. And back to the Championship, where Thyassa
and Farvin have just finished their short Juppie Break and are ready to return
Ton: All eyes are on the pulsating globe as it is handed to Thyassa.
And....Here we go! It’s Thyassa! Farvin! Thyassa! Farvin! Thyassa! Farvin! Thyassa!
Farvin! Thyassa! Farvin! Thyassa! Farvin! Thyassa! Farvin!
Shoy: We realize this may not be interesting, but it’s sport all the
Ton: Thyassa! Farvin! Thy- OOOOOHHHHH!!! That’s it! The game’s over!
FARVIN III IS THE WINNER! After a narrow escape and tricky back-kick double
flip smasher, Farvin nailed Thyassa with an explosion that rocketed him to first
Shoy: Whew! That was a close match, Ton. I for one was certain that
Thyassa was going to use his TNT pet privileges to manipulate the outcome of
Ton: It would make sense. But he didn’t, and now let’s head down to
the podium where the Ruki Referees are about to present the Golden Gormball
to Farvin III, the Mutant Lenny.
Shoy: Mutant Lenny?
Ton: Yes. It seems that someone just hacked into Farvin’s HTML code
and changed his species and color. And gender, apparently. But who could have
that kind of power?
Shoy: It’s a mystery, Ton. A mystery that will have to wait until next
time, as we’re running out of time, so until next time-
Ton: Shoy, you really need to increase your vocabulary.
Shoy: Be quiet. Until next time, I’m Shoy Shoyruki and he’s Ton Tonummo.
Good night, Neopia.
(cue cheesy theme music that turns into the MARROW!! song again.)