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The Anti-List List

by scarletrhapsody


“150 reasons why…”

“100 ways to…”

“50 nifty tricks…”

Every week, as we eagerly flip open our subscription of the Neopian Times, we will see that there is bound to be at least one article featuring a list of things. Like the above examples I have shown in the first three lines of this article. Of course, at first, it was all a refreshing change from the bland old article type, but after a while it gets pretty stale, as bad as last year’s mouldy bread. Even though most writers try to spice up their lists with unorthodox items like negative numbers, conversations in the form of a list and so on, I can’t help but feel tired of these endless lists. So today I am here to compile a—um…list…of reasons why I’m sick of lists and why I dislike them so much, and, uh, well, in the meantime maybe try to get you readers out there *cough* brainwashed *cough* to think the same.

1. Lists are obviously overused topics in the Times, as I have said. See it for yourselves. Count it for yourselves how many lists topics are there in the last few week's Times.

2. We need more full paragraphed articles to improve our standard of English, people!

3. Let not lists take over The NT. You don’t know what you’re in for by condoning this.

4. Most of them drag on for way too long even though they only have one main idea about it. Like having 200 ways to bootlick Neopian Times writers.

5. This reminder of my never ending to-do lists constantly haunts me ever so terribly.

6. Little known is the fact that some lists are more meaningless than they seem. To appreciate the profound meaninglessness of these lists, bang your head on the keyboard. What you get written on the screen is what they really mean—utter rubbish.

7. Lists are utterly useless. *sticks out tongue at the list lover*

8. Give me a good reason why I should like them. Can’t think of one? There you have it.

9. A waste of perfectly good pixels.

10. Why don’t we just switch back to good ol’ article writing, with big, long, chunky paragraphs?

11. Ugga hugga uga-uga uhh ugg!

12. Didn’t understand that? I don’t know what I was writing either! See? I told you lists are literally driving me crazy!

13. People just don’t like them. Isn’t that a good enough reason?

14. They are extremely confusing, especially when writers begin to indulge in idle chatting. Also applies to when the author or authors use twenty points for just one single idea which can in fact be paraphrased into a two-word sentence.

15. Who was the one who started it anyway?

16. It’s too annoyingly simple to read. It’s too annoyingly humorous as well. Hmph.

17. Take too short a time to read. Let’s go back to our big paragraphs, which are just so much more amiable and non-threatening, don’t you think?

18. Numbers 1 to 50 reiterates the exact same thing.

19. Whereas numbers 51 to 100 contains silly monosyllabic conversations, which are sometimes frighteningly eerie, like those between the writer and his alter ego (or alter egos).

20. By the time it comes to 101, I would either have fallen asleep or gone insane, like I possibly am now.

21. Bleh. Too long and neat. Totally not fit for reader consumption.

22. The English language was not created for lists! Which is why there are no numbers in the alphabet, duh!

23. Lists are irresponsible. Why, what did you think those disclaimer thingies at the end of those lists were for?

24. They’re just watered down version of chunky paragraphs. Of which the latter I would still prefer, thank you very much.

25. Lists are dysfunctional. Yet orderly and tidy. What a paradox.

26. Insipid and disgusting. Oops, heh, sorry, I was talking about my lunch.

27. Big flaw in Neopian article-writing history. The above 25 points are reason enough for this statement to be justified. Um, except number 25, I mean.

28. Numbers makes us jumpy.

29. Numbered words make us grumpy.

30. Every five points there’ll be one that’s repetitive. Very irritating.

31. Reading them is too much work. I’ll rather go back to our lengthy paragraphs that take even more work to read. (snorts) Wow, that’s so exciting! (rolls eyes at self)

32. Looks set to take over the rest of Neopian article-writing world. *gasp* Oh NOOOO! This must never happen! Let’s work together to fight against lists!!! (rolls eyes at self again)

33. Terrifically horrific barbaric lists. ‘Nuff sed.

34. Almost everyone I know is fed up with the extreme dosage of lists in each week’s NT. Aren’t you? Join the crowd, man!

35. List madness! Help!

36. Trapped in a choking number of lists. Desperately gasping for air. Ruthlessly throttled by the endless numbered sentences. Arms flinging around for something to hold onto. Is dying of suffocation.

37. I still prefer chunky paragraphs. You do too, don’t you?

38. They are simply so tidy and neat it gets on my nerves.

39. They’re an open revolt against chunky paragraphs. We’ll see how you are going to fight me! Mwahahaha!!! I’m the mightiest warrior in all Neop—*gagged*

40. People only resort to writing lists when they can’t form proper sentences. Like…me. *burst out crying*

41. Haven’t you changed your mind about lists, after all that I’ve painstakingly typed?

42. They are getting more and more blatant. *Gasp* Their dangerous criminal intent is showing! Neopians, get all your weapons ready!

43. I’m overreacting, aren’t I?

44. I’m fed up with them. Can’t we have at least one week of articles without lists?

45. Lists are extremely detrimental to your health. For what reason, I do not know, actually.

46. Sigh. Five more points to the end. I’m – gulp – running out of ideas already…

47. Lists are no longer “creative outbursts” in the Times. We need less, not more, of them now. Seriously.

48. Dum de dum…two more to go…

49. I’m sure you won’t want to see every single article in the Times crammed with lists, do you? That would be so boring!

50. Are you convinced now? Don’t you hate lists now? NO??? ARE YOU SURE?!

And as you can see, I have just compiled a wonderful list of reasons why you, the discerning reader, should be afraid, very afraid of lists. Detest them, my friend.

In all seriousness, I believe that all lists are written for a reason, though The NT can do without so many of them. Sometimes it really is better to use lists than full paragraphed articles. At least they are easier to read and thus more appealing to small children, so younger readers can get a head start on reading. And yup, to contradict myself one more time, lists ARE perfectly harmless for your health!

One last thing – lists writers out there, please – please – don’t be angry with me for anything I’ve said. This list is all in the name of good fun, and was aimed at entertaining more than at informing, so do remember to take it with a pinch of salt! So till we meet the next time, goodbye and hope you guys had a good time reading this Anti-list List! Meanwhile, stay list-friendly, people! You can keep all your weapons now!

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