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Passable Gross Foods of Brightvale University


by parody_ham

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     My name is Oliver Wrightmore (before you say it, as a sketch Yurble, I’ve heard every joke in the book), and I’m a reporter for the “Golden Quill,” Brightvale University’s newspaper, as well as a Master’s student in the creative writing department. This semester, I helped organize a student-wide poll for the top ten most edible and inedible gross foods (and honorary gross foods) served on the BVU campus.

      If you’ve been studying here for any length of time, you’ll know that the Alien Aishas supply a majority of our “meals” on campus. They work under the Cosmic Corporation food company, a space-based distributor that stops by weekly to deliver ingredients to the dining hall staff. You can often tell when they’re on campus. Their lime-green spaceship has a habit of flying low over the dorm halls every Tuesday at 4am. It shakes the walls so much that my spotted Gelert roommate’s Rohane action figures wobble on his desk. He had to relocate the Rohane stained glass window that our mutual friends made to the door where it avoids most of the shaking. He was especially devastated when his special edition Rohane mug shattered on his Rohane-print rug. It’s never a dull moment on campus.

     When it’s not Cosmic Corp delivering our food, it’s the hooded merchants from the Haunted Woods who hide their carts beneath strangely ominous grey sheets. A few students have attempted to check under their carts only to be swatted away like flies. When I attempted to interview Dean Green about this matter, he only said, “I haven’t the time for such trivialities,” while sticking his nose into the air with a huff.

     To maintain the reader’s appetite, I have chosen to report on the best gross foods first. If you stop reading there, I won’t hold it against you. Brightvale University is well-known for its debatable food. As one of my now graduated colleagues, Haibara, put it: “BVU is famous for its knowledgeable staff and endless stacks of books, but world-famous professors and well-written literature come at a steep price. Good food is low on their priority list.” Truth be told, I couldn’t agree more. So, if you’re looking to study at Brightvale University for your Bachelor’s or Master’s degrees, be ready to eat some unusual foods—I hope you have an adventurous palate. Or you can always walk to the downtown farmer’s markets and make your own meals on a magic hotplate (since as you know, none of the dorms except for the extraordinarily expensive “King Hagan Suites” have in-house kitchens).

     A Countdown of Edible Foods

      10) Ice Cream and Fries

     

     A surprisingly decent combination, hot and salty fried potatoes bring out the vanilla ice cream’s unique taste. Make sure the fries aren’t too cool and soggy or it won’t taste nearly as delicious, or at least, that is what the students wrote beneath their responses.

     9) Fish Fingers and Custard

     

     Feeling wibbly? How about wobbly? Do you enjoy timey-wimey stuff? Then you’ll understand why this unique dish is in the top ten. Shockingly good for BVU fare, you could’ve sworn that it came from a mad Neopian in a box. The fish fingers (or as some Neopians call them, “fish sticks”) are crispy and flaky and the custard, although a bit on the sweet side, nicely complements the fishy flavour. Some students claim that you’ll be seeing stars when you eat this one, so don’t consume it before an exam.

     8) Wa Wa Grub

     

     Like many of the grubbier foods offered by the alien Aishas, this bug is slimy, yet satisfying. Unlike its less flavorful kin, the bright as a beacon wa wa grub has a rather peculiar watermelon punch flavour. Just one of them has enough protein to fill you up at any meal. It even doubles as a festive treat for the holidays. But if eating bugs makes you a little squeamish, close your eyes before digging in.

     7) Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich

     

     For all of the Neopians who are reading this and wrinkling your noses, give it a try. If you want your sandwich to taste better, see if the dining hall staff is willing to toast the bread before they put out their ready-made sandwiches. Sweeter pickles such as bread-and-butter are often better. Frequently, I catch my roommate snacking on a PB&P sandwich while working on his thesis. He swears by it and even claims that it’s his go-to thinking food.

     6) Tonguewich

     

     For anyone seeking a meatier option, the tonguewich is the best BVU has to offer. Even though it looks a bit odd, tongue can be quite delicious, especially when complemented by vegetables. Unfortunately, the kitchen isn’t well known for using the freshest of vegetables, so bear that in mind if your lettuce is a bit wilted. Worse comes to worst, see if they have anything fresh at the salad bar to add to your sandwich like tomatoes or kale.

     5) Tuna Porridge

     

     A bit on the fishy side, but still quite tasty. This hearty meal will warm you up on a cold winter’s day. If there are any cooked vegetables around, see if you can pilfer some and throw them into the stew. Carrots, zucchini, and onions are especially tasty if allowed to cook in.

     4) Tempura-fried Worms

     

     Now I know what you’re thinking (unless you’re a Pteri): worms? Who in Neopia would want to eat worms? Well, evidently, quite a few students. The panko breadcrumbs add a rich flavour to the giant worms Cosmic Corp farm somewhere off-Neopia for their cooking. Large and meaty, this dish has quickly become one of the fan favourites in the dining hall. So much so, in fact, that it often runs out shortly after the hall opens for dinner.

     3) Red Eggs on Toast

     

     Eggs on toast is a good staple in a normal college that isn’t served by an interstellar food corporation; Brightvale University likes to add its own special spin on it. Instead of having jam on your toast, the strawberry flavour is baked into the eggs. From what I’ve managed to glean from staff interviews, most of the eggs are sourced locally, so thankfully the flavouring is added later in the cooking process. A decent breakfast go-to for your daily needs.

     2) Bluehamberry Burger

     

     Ignoring the strange colour palette, this burger is juicy, fruity, and has a great combination of flavours rarely seen in the college kitchens. Blueberries are cooked into the meat, making it practically dribble with flavour (and if you’re wearing white, be warned. This food stains pretty badly).

     1) Tuna Stroganoff

     

     A fan favourite among students, it often has upperclassmen often asking “could something this normal actually be served in our dining hall?” Conspiracy theorists often claim that this dish is used in the mass brain-washing of the students, but that is probably nonsense. BVU doesn’t have the outward malevolence for such an endeavour, even if we still have no idea what is dwelling in our library’s off-limits basement. Or its mysterious tunnels. Or know why we keep switching professors mid-way through the semester. But I digress. This dish consists of mushrooms, tuna, onion and half-and-half together, mixed into a stew that is served over egg noodles. A perfectly normal—as weird as that is to say—option for our college’s gross foods. I’ve eaten it plenty of times and can vouch for its tastiness.

     I hope you’ve enjoyed part one of this two-part series. If you have a strong stomach, join me next time as we delve into the less savoury food options at Brightvale University.

     

 
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