 Horror-Scopes
by alphabet345
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Hello, I am Madam Kougara and I am a SEERER! What is a SEERER you ask? Well… it’s a word I made up to describe my gift. My gift, you see, is very special; It allows me to look to the skies, observe the stars, and make predictions of what is to come. My predictions are usually accurate… except that time I predicted Faerieland would win the Altador Cup.
I have been hired by the Neopian Times to do a series of articles where I share my observations of the sky in order to give Neopians some guidance in the upcoming months. They have hired me for 6 issues. Coincidentally, this is the number of issues my owner, alphabet345, needs to get the NT avatar. These predictions will resemble what some of you call horoscopes, but please realize mine are better.
To use these you must use your birthdate to determine which constellation you were born under. You can then read my analysis of your future. You probably haven’t heard of these constellations before, that is because I have discovered them myself. Don’t bother looking, you won’t find them in the sky. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE SIGHT!
Let’s begin…
The Stamp Collector
January 1-January 31
Ah, the Collector, yes… As I gaze upon this constellation I see many paths that you can follow; however, there is one clear path that you must seek. It’s the one that turns right, then left, then straight for a bit, then right again, then left. Once you see the forsaken signpost you must then jump up and down for ten hours. If you do this I can guarantee* you that you will win a large sum of NPs in the upcoming lottery… about 800 or 900. Spend wisely!
The Gourmand
February 1-February 28 (/29)
The Gourmand whispers in my ear. She tells me that you must stay away from processed foods and only eat organic or else you may perish. Wait… as I’m writing this I am remembering differently. She may have said do not eat organic foods and only partake in processed foods. It’s one of the two, your choice. I wish you luck!
The Gambler
March 1-March 31
The Gambler looks kindly upon her children. If you were born in the month of March then this upcoming month will be one where you will gain great fortunes. I highly recommend looking into the Food Club and only betting on the participants with the worst odds. This may seem like a bad idea, but I assure* you that you shall win.
The Battledome Veteran
April 1-April 32 (You may be wondering what April 31 and 32 are… do not worry if you know you know)
Oh my goodness. I can’t believe it! This is the clearest vision of the future I have ever had. I can say this with absolute certainty. If you go to the Money Tree in the middle of the month you will find a Pile of Dung. Click quickly and this stinky surprise shall be yours, this I guarantee*.
The Gardener
May 1-May 31
The Gardener will experience the greatest amount of luck this month. I see some numbers that are lucky… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… and 7! NO 6! NO 7! No… definitely 6. These numbers should be played in the Neopian lottery, I definitely see either a win or a loss.
The Beachcomber
June 1-June 30
Ah, the Beachcomber sees great beauty and potential in you. Perhaps this is the month that you should enter the Beauty Contest? AHHH THE BEACHCOMBER CONTINUES TO SPEAK! They recommend an obscure style of art… do not use traditional methods, they warn. Perhaps you should use obscure tools to create an image of your pet. I recommend sand or my special, “SEERER Non-Traditional Art Supplies” currently on sale in my online store for the low price of 49.99 NPs.
The Space Commander
July 1-July 31
Unfortunately, as I gazed upon the stars making up the Space Commander constellation, Virtupets Space Station obstructed my view. I’m quite lazy, to be honest, and did not bother to wait until it had passed. Let’s just say… this month will be a good time to make a large investment in the SEERER stock.
The Reader
August 1-August 31
I have read the stars (get it?) and I see your future. Now is the time to invest in a pair of overalls! I cannot say why, but the stars whisper to me and say it must be. Oh and you should probably buy my book, “The SEERER’s guide to SEEING”.
The Tree
September 1-September 30
Ah, a child of the autumn. Yes, you are my favourite. As I gazed upon the stars I had a vivid memory of my own childhood, playing in the leaves and drinking hot apple cider. This has nothing to do with your fortune, of course, I just wanted to share. This month you should definitely invest your time in pursuing that game avatar that has long given you trouble. If you continually practice, the stars are telling me that you should see an improvement in your score. If you don’t, it’s probably because you’re terrible at games and should just give up.
The Spooky Blumaroo
October 1-October 31
BOO! The Spooky Blumaroo speaks to me in my sleep and tells me that this month will be an unlucky one. I highly recommend that you do not leave your NeoHome. If you do I foresee utter despair! I advise you instead ask your NeoFriends to bring food to your home and leave it outside your door. You could probably ask them to leave a few rare items for good measure.
The Weatherperson
November 1-November 30
Ah yes, the Weatherperson speaks to me through a very specific channel (the Kau News Network). Observing the stars in conjunction with the current temperature in Terror Mountain (don’t try to understand my methods, they are beyond you) I see that this month will not be good for you. I advise that you send me three easy payments of 1,000,000 NPs. In return, I will send you a charm of protection that will protect you from the dangers that I foresee.
The Snow Faerie
December 1-December 31
Brrr. The Snow Faerie has sent me a message through the chilly air. I read the goosebumps upon my skin in order to predict your future. I see orange, yellow, and brown in your future. These colours… they fall from the sky. I also see a rake. I’m sorry, I am a very talented SEERER but I cannot make heads or tails of this. I would advise locking yourself in your basement until the month is over.
There you have it! The future of every Neopian laid out clearly upon these pages. Go forth and relish in the wealth I have predicted (unless I predicted despair… then I am very sorry).
*Please note any guarantees made in these predictions are not legally binding.
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