A Rap Battle: Neopian Kings and Queens

     But you’re sitting in front of your laptop, playing a Game meant for Children (yikes)

     It’s okay, so am I. Let me welcome you to the limelight of this artificial campsite.

     The challenge for our Neopian Kings and Queens:

     Defend your legacy, talk of your ruling philosophy,

     And don’t forget, keep us entertained, throw some shade, by all means.

     One last thing: keep it PG-13, we don’t want to be the cause of any child’s fall to the obscene.

     Okay, Let’s go. King Altador, the floor is yours.

      “Hey why do the Kings get to go first? Why not the Queens?”

     Well, I figured, the Kings don’t have anything real to say, so let’s get them out of the way.

      “Fair. We’ll blow them all away, beware.”

     —

     Honourable. Wise. Trusted.

     King Altador of Altador at your service.

     As a child, I lived in the shadow of corruption.

     When I grew up, I caught the thieves pants down. Busted.

     In my youth, I gathered Neopians with similar views.

     We founded our own city, a veritable who’s whose

     Of noble, gracious, and good folk

     Indeed, under my big cloak, I just think of myself as a good bloke.

     —

     Yo, Altador, are you sure your judgement’s all that great?

     I seem to recall a Ms. Darkest Faerie, your first recruit as a teammate,

     At this rate, your citizens might want to immigrate.

     Yeah, they already commiserate at my city gates.

     I’m King Roo and a businessman too.

     Values, schmalues. What matters is money and fun. That’s all anyone needs.

     Where does everyone go when they’re feeling a bit down?

     They come to Roo Island and my Merry-go-Round.

     —

     Is there anything more tacky than a stock market lackey,

     Calling himself king of a kingdom smaller than my khakis.

     Obsessed with gambling, his citizens scrambling,

     We should lock him up for financial mismanaging.

     King Skarl in the house, always looking for a good steakhouse.

     Dude, I know, I’m old, I’m mean, and I’m fat.

     but, it’s no sweat. My people don’t forget. They have no regrets, they’re dead set.

     This upset, heavyset, baguette will be here past your death. Let’s bet.

     —

     Oh, brother of mine, always so violent.

     The world would be better off if you could keep silent.

     You’ve literally never read a single book, guidebook, textbook, checkbook, songbook

     How should your people trust your outlook, if all you know is gobbledygook?

     This is King Hagan of Brightvale, inventor of Neomail. I understand Economies of Scale.

     The more people we educate, the better our Motes, our glass, our books, our pot roast.

     Neopia should be ruled by those who know the most,

     So of course, I’m going to have to keep my post.

     —

     Uncles, uncles: you’re so stuck in this rivalry, you haven’t seen the vibrancy of our society

     When’s the last time you stepped out of your castles?

     I know it’s a hassle, but if you don’t move your muscles, you’ll find yourselves baffled by the state of your vassals.

     How can you be so blind? Your kingdoms are One, and they will be mine.

     Princess Roberta, daughter of your sibling. You’ve never told me anything about them, not even a nibbling.

     I’ve read our family history, and there’s really no more mystery.

     When this place is mine, people will ask me, “Will you rule like Skarl or like Hagan,”

     And I’ll say, “Like me.”

     —

     I reign over a land that’s always in springtime.

     My sisters and I control spacetime, prolong lifelines, ensure peacetime.

     We even try war crimes, all before lunchtime.

     I’m in my prime, the most powerful being of all time, but sometimes, I just want some me-time.

     Queen Fyora, cleaning up all your messes.

     I make no guesses, I only take successes.

     Don’t underestimate me and my dresses, you could never handle all of my stresses

     If there’s anyone to rule this world, it’s me and my lionesses.

     —

     Fyora, señora, always high and mighty with that elitist aura

     You say you empower, but I’ve never seen you out of your “hidden” tower.

     Damn girl, you might have power, but your relations with Neopia have really turned sour

     May I remind you, you would still be a rock, if it weren’t for a thief who knew how to talk.

     I’m Nabile, did the whole rags-to-riches uphill with my own free will

     Queen of Qasala. I walk with my people, holla!

     No one knows better the struggles of the working poor. I’m trying to help, that’s for sure.

     I act on the problems I see. I live the life of a bel espirit. And that’s why, I’m the Queen Bee.

     —

     Nabile, We’re sisters, and I love you. So don’t take this as a critique of you.

     My biggest issue: we need to talk more about consent.

     I mean, your man literally sent me to another dimension when I rejected his hand.

     I need the men to repent. I’m confined in my castle-convent because of their torment.

     Princess Amira, more beautiful than an aurora, voice smoother than a Lyra,

     Brain with so many more uses than just holding up a tiara.

     Elegant, efficient, so you better be listenin’

     Why don’t I need a husband? I’ll tell you: it’s cause I want a WIFE!

     —

     Everyone listen to Amira, my daughter.

     I will be with you, come hell or highwater.

     King Coltzan here. Soon, I will disappear

     But before I go and let y’all bask in the afterglow,

     I must say something p r e s s i n g,

      something most d i s t r e s s i n g ,

      something that needs e x p r e s s i n g:

     SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED:

     Coltzan's beloved pet, Sparky, has ascended. In honour of Sparky, Coltzan has presented you with a winged likeness of his beloved Petpet

     ---

     Alright. Thanks y'all. Good Night.

     --

     This rap battle is presented in honour of the 900th issue of the Neopian Times.