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Pets Are Friends Not Food


by phoned

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     While browsing through Neopian Fresh Foods one evening looking for something delicious and nutritious to feed your pets for dinner you come across an item called Draik Steak. The description beneath the item reads ‘A large lump of prime rib shaped to look like a Draiks head (not actually made from Draik)’. You chuckle to yourself as you place a few in your basket and think ‘I wonder why they bother to say it’s not actually made from Draik, why would anyone want to buy a REAL Draik Steak?’.

     Well, unfortunately, there is plenty of demand in Neopia for REAL Draik Steak. If the idea of eating something made from a Neopet, PetPet, or even Petpetpet horrifies you then please read on as I detail the variety of gruesome Pet-based foods found in Neopia, so you know what foods to avoid.

     In this article I will only be detailing the foods which *explicitly* mention that they contain ingredients of Pet, PetPet, or PetPetPet. There are a great number of other foods which contain ingredients that are somewhat concerning in origin which you may want to avoid just in case (anything made from brains, tongues, wings, fingers, or hair).

     Category 1: Neopets used as Ingredients

     Easily the most egregious category on this list is the one detailing which foods are made from actual Neopets. It would make most people sick to their stomach to even consider eating a Neopet (or worse, feeding your own Neopet other Neopets), but there is a somewhat thriving market in Neopia for such dishes. Gourmet food eaters in particular find these ingredients a particular delicacy, with 9 of the 21 dishes on containing Neopet ingredients being Gourmet Foods. These gruesome Gourmets to avoid are:

     1. Blumaroo Tail Salad Extravaganza – ‘A Blumaroo here, a Blumaroo there, with just a touch of olive to round out a gourmet meal to drool over.’

     Gruesome rating – 5/5

     This dish is made using 3-4 Blumaroo tails, which means for each one that is eaten there are 3-4 Blumaroos out there unable to hop around anymore. Absolutely awful!

     2. Grundo Toe Lint – ‘Mmmmm, taste that toe lint, its tangy and cheesy and goes so well with Grundo toes.’

     Grusome rating – 1/5

     This dish is one of the least upsetting items on the list, as it could potentially be harvested from between the toes of Grundos quite harmlessly. However, it is touted as a great accompaniment to the very toes from which it’s found between, which puts it right back on our list of horrors.

     3. Korbat Wing Soup – ‘This tasty soup has three types of Korbat wings and several different fruits all mixed together.’

     Gruesome rating – 5/5

     As with the Blumaroo Tail Salad Extravaganza this dish is made using ingredients from multiple pets. A true Gourmet dish it is traditionally made with wings from at least three different coloured Korbats, meaning the casualty rate for each individual dish is at least twice what it would be if it took wings of the same colour. Horrible!

     4. Meerca Pie – ‘Oh no, how horrible... looks like this particular Meerca bounced too close to the Witchs home!’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     Poor Meerca! Edna the Witch has a particular fondness for gruesome ingredients, so this is not particularly surprising unfortunately. The gruesome rating for this dish is 4/5 simply because only one poor Meerca is used per dish, rather than several.

     5. Mynci Brain Sandwich – ‘Brain food never tasted so good.’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     A simple dish, yet still simply horrifying. It’s even served on a Mynci-shaped dish in case you forgot what atrocity you were committing in the name of culinary delectation.

     6. Pterducken – ‘This is the perfect dish if you can't decide between Duck and Pteri for your dinner.’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     This dish was designed to be a true show-stopper centrepiece for big dinner parties and banquets. It uses a whole roast Pteri, stuffed with a whole duck (hopefully not a Mallard!), and garnished with a cornucopia of sides and accompaniments. How anyone could ‘tuck in’ to this ‘Pterducken’ I don’t know!

     7. Quiggle Pie – ‘Oops, this Quiggle isnt his usual happy self...’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     Similar to the Meerca Pie above this dish uses a whole Quiggle and was created by the infamous Edna the Witch. With a flair of cruel irony this dish is often served with a side of crispy fried Draphly; a favourite snack of wild Quiggles.

     8. Wing of Korbat – ‘A bit too leathery for most tastes...’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     Most tastes, but not all. In case you didn’t want to eat your Korbat Wing in a soup, as above, you can eat them individually as a snack. They are quite tough though, which is why you mostly find them in stews or soups.

     9. Wocky Steak – ‘Wait, WHAT is this made of?!’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     Often served seared with the fur still on, this steak is a classic gruesome Gourmet delicacy. As with traditional beef steaks there are a number of different cuts of steak from a Wocky, with the most tender cuts being the mostly highly prized.

     The remaining Neopet-based dishes are primarily from the Haunted Woods, but Neopet ingredients can be found in dishes all across Neopia. You may want to avoid the following dishes:

     1. Elephante Trunk Stew – ‘This stew has a nice thick broth and a whole Elephante trunk to make it extra hearty!’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     That poor Elephante! A favourite in the Haunted Woods during the cold months of winter, this stew is very filling and has a slight warm spice throughout.

     2. Grundo Stix – ‘I dont think the Grundo who became this meal did it willingly...’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     Sadly Grundos have never quite recovered from their enslavement under Dr. Frank Sloth, and they are an all-too-common ingredient in the Haunted Woods. These Stix can be baked into a light crunchy snack.

     3. Grundo Stick Sub – ‘Mmmm, grundo sticks sub. How many poor alien Grundos got the chop to make this one?’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     In the same way that some people enjoy a potato chip sandwich, some Neopians enjoy a Grundo Stix Sub. This sad dish is created in the Mystery Island Cooking Pot by mixing a Fresh Baguette and some Grundo Stix.

     4. Large Grundo Toe With Lint Side Order – ‘A large meal to fill your young ones. Toe lint now available as an extra bonus.’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     Although Grundo Toe Lint is a speciality Gourmet dish, the standard Grundo Toe is a cheap staple for many Haunted Woods residents. The gruesome rating on this item is slightly lower as Grundos do have at least 10 toes each, and there is some speculation that they can grow their toes back over a few years.

     5. Mynci Steak – ‘Straight from the trees and onto your plate!’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     Not as popular as Wocky steak, but cheaper and with a meatier flavour. This dish is more common in Tyrannia.

     6. Pickled Moehog Feet – ‘A big jar of pickled Moehog Feet. They are almost as hard to look at as they are to eat.'

     Gruesome rating – 5/5

     All those poor Moehogs! This dish is a particular favourite of the Alien Aishas, but is also eaten throughout the Haunted Woods and Shenkuu.

     7. Poogle Steak Left-Overs – ‘Hmmm, whoever got here first didnt leave much!’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     A common find in Tyrannia. Poogle steaks are tough, due to the bounciness of Poogles, but their steaks are easily barbecued over open flames, as is the standard custom in Tyrannia.

     8. Stick-O-Mynci – ‘Chunks of Mynci on a stick roasted to perfection.’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     Another Tyrannian staple, the stick is used to roast the Mynci meat over an open fire pit out on the Plateau. The meat is cut into chunks to cook it more quickly and more thoroughly.

     9. Toasted Quiggle Legs – ‘Eat them quickly before they hop off your plate.’

     Gruesome rating – 5/5

     No one is quite sure what the Alien Aishas do with the rest of the Quiggle, but these Quiggle Legs are a firm favourite at Alien parties. They’re toasted to crisp the outside, and are served along with dips like Asparagus Yoghurt, Cottage Sneeze Cheese, and Bucket Full of Goo.

     10. Yurble Steak – ‘Quite delicious once you carve away the fur.

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     How could anyone eat an adorable Yurble! These steaks are very similar to Wocky Steaks, but with more hair to remove.

     11. Zesty Zafara Burrito – ‘No Zafaras were harmed (much) in the making of this burrito...’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     This burrito is made using a Zafara tail, some salsa, and spiced lime rice. It’s garnished with Zafara spines and wrapped tightly. This ghastly wrap may sound delicious, but when it’s made from your favourite pet you’ll find it easy to resist.

     12. Blumaroo Steak – ‘What goes bounce...bounce...whirr... splat?’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     A cheap meat dish found all over the Haunted Woods. Blumaroos, like Grundos, unfortunately feature in a number of gruesome Haunted Woods dishes.

     Category 2: PetPets used as Ingredients

     Some Neopians reading this article may have objected greatly to dishes which included Neopets as ingredients, but they may not take much issue with Petpets used as ingredients. Those of you who own a Grarrl or a Jetsam may regularly feed your pets on whole Petpets as a treat! Others however will be just as horrified at the thought of a roast Snowbunny as they are at the sight of a Pterducken. This next list details the 15 dishes made from Petpets:

     1. Bluna Burger – ‘Eurgh, they cant seriously expect you to eat a Petpet can they!’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     Yes, they do expect you to eat a Petpet! This whole-Bluna burger is a Gourmet Food but is also a favourite of the Alien Aishas.

     2. Droolik Surprise – ‘Your reaction to it is the surprise part.’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     Surprise! Your Droolik died but I made you some stew.

     3. Eye of Mortog Soup – ‘Ewww... someone must have raided Ednas supply cupboard for this foul recipe.’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     This soup is said to cure colds and so is found all over the Haunted Woods during winter. The Mortog eyes are apparently the best part, but I’d rather not test that theory out.

     4. Intesteen Casserole – ‘Oh, well, everything tastes great when its smothered in cheese!’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     A cheap way to add meat to a dish, the poor Intesteen Petpet is a very common ingredient in Spooky cooking (Spoo-cookin’ as I call it..). The casserole, despite its lowly appearance, is a Gourmet Food.

     5. Roast Tentacle – ‘Ahhh... the poor little tentacle!’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     The poor tentacle indeed! This dish is a roasted Green Tentacle Petpet sitting in a green gravy.

     6. Roasted Spyder On a Stick – ‘Crunchy legs with a soft center. Yum!’

     Gruesome rating - 5/5

     This rating is based solely on the pained look of anguish on the Spyder’s face. These Spyders are clearly dipped in oil and roasted alive. Ghastly!!

     7. Slorg Ice Cream – ‘Slime + ice cream, what could go wrong?’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     This summertime treat is made with real cream and real Slorgs. A real favourite of the Alien Aishas.

     8. Snorkle Pudding – ‘Only the finest young Snorkles go into this meaty dish.’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     This Gourmet delicacy is made from sweet young Snorkles. Roasted legs are use as a garnish for this garish pudding.

     9. Snorkle Snout – ‘Oink!’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     The poor wee Snorkles who lost their snouts for this dish won’t be snuffling around the Haunted Woods for haunted truffles anymore.. This item awards an avatar when eaten, which has increased its popularity across Neopia immensely.

     10. Spicy Meowclops Whiskers – ‘Ewww, how can Sophie eat these? This was given out by the advent calendar in Y7.’

     Gruesome rating – 1/5

     These whiskers can be harvested fairly harmlessly from Meowclops, but there is still quite an ick-factor associated with eating any part of a Petpet.

     11. Spyder Eggs – ‘You might want to watch out when you try to reach for one of these eggs...’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     At least the eggs aren’t actual Spyder’s eggs. This dish is a Gourmet delight of devilled eggs, topped with whole crisp fried Spyders.

     12. Spyder Muffins – ‘Only the finest Spyders go into these muffins!’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     This Gourmet chocolate muffin has crunchy pieces of Spyder mixed through it. Spyders are used in a number of Spooky foods for some extra texture and protein.

     13. Steeped Tea – ‘The Mundo imparts a distinct fishy flavour to the tea.’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     A dead Mundo is stuffed with tea leaves and then dried. When added to hot water the Mundo and tea leaves rehydrate to create a cup of strong, fishy tea. A treat in Maraqua now enjoyed by the Alien Aishas.

     14. Baked Intesteen – ‘Now that is just nasty!’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     Just as the description says, this is nasty! A whole Intesteen Petpet on a stick baked and then drizzled with gravy. Garnished with an eyeball and a slice of Grundo toe. A classic treat at the Carnival of Terror.

     15. Blooppop – ‘Well, first you take a Bloop... And the rest, you dont want to know.’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     Another special treat from the Carnival of Terror, the Blooppop is made much like a caramel apple. This sweet treat is also a Gourmet Food.

     16. Octornapie – ‘No, you cant seriously make pies out of Petpets... can you?’

     Gruesome rating – 4/5

     Yes, they do seriously make pies out of Petpets! This pie is made with a whole Octorna, topped with pastry and then baked. A slightly fishy tasting pie with a chewy filling.

     Category 3: Petpetpets as Ingredients

     This final category contains dishes which are made using Petpetpets as ingredients. Petpetpets are a grey area for many ethical eaters; are they friends or are they food? We give them to our Petpets, and we give those Petpets to our Pets, so are these Petpetpets our pets too, and thus their dishes deserving of the same outrage as we give to Meerca Pies and Wocky Steaks? Others would argue that Petpetpets are parasites that attach themselves to our Petpets and are nothing more than bugs, so what does it matter if we eat them? That choice is yours to make and this article does not try to sway you either way. Below is a list of dishes containing Petpepets as ingredients, should you wish to avoid them:

     1. Appetising Caramel Apple – ‘The Aboogalas are crunchy!’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     This delicious caramel apple from the Carnival of Terror is decorated with deep-fried Aboogalas.

     2. Apple Moquot Lollypop – ‘This apple lollypop comes complete with a Moquot in it!’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     3. Box of Chocolate Larnikins – ‘Seeing this box full of Larnikins will fill you with ValenPAINs Day RAGE.’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     This Valentines treat is anything but a sweet surprise. Live Larnikins are dipped in chocolate and left to harden to fill this heart-shaped box for Valentines Day.

     4. Cherry Aboogala Lolly – ‘A cherry flavoured lolly with a real Aboogala inside!’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     5. Cherry Mootix Lolly – ‘A cherry flavoured lolly with a real Mootix inside!’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     6. Crunch Chocolate Scoaches – ‘Mmmmm... crunchy with a sweet chocolate filling.’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     The centres of Scoaches are scooped out and filled with a creamy chocolate to create this sweet snack.

     7. Grumblebug Pie – ‘That moment when you realise those are not tears but Grumblebug wings...’

     Gruesome – 3/5

     This pie has a Grumblebug face made out of pastry on the pie lid, and it is garnished with Grumblebug wings. The pie filling is a mixture of stewed Grumblebugs, vegetables, and gravy.

     8. Lemon Bumbluz Lolly – ‘A lemon flavoured lolly with a real Bumbluz inside!’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     9. Lemon Pinchit Lollypop – ‘This lemon lollypop comes complete with a Pinchit in it!’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     10. Lime Skidget Lolly – ‘Mmm... a tasty lime lolly with a Skidget inside!’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     11. Orange Lightmite Lollypop – ‘This orange lollypop comes complete with a Lightmite in it!

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     12. Orange Scoach Lolly – ‘Mmm... a tasty orange lolly with a Scoach inside!’’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     13. Roasted Draphly Kabob – ‘Pull the wings off before you eat this!’

     Gruesome rating – 3/5

     Whole roasted Draphlys skewered on a Kabob and then roasted. Alien Aishas love these crispy kabobs and eat the dried wings like sunflower seeds.

     14. Strawberry Larnikin Lollypop – ‘This strawberry lollypop comes complete with a Larnikin in it!’

     Gruesome rating – 2/5

     The Chocolate Factory has a whole series of these lollypops. Each is a different flavour of lollypop with a whole Petpetpet inside. They are all Gourmet Food treats.

     Thus completes our list of gruesome dishes made from our favourite pets. I hope this serves as a guide to you for what not to eat on your travels through Neopia, but perhaps for the more adventurous of you it is a list of what to try next time you’re in the Haunted Woods. To all of you out there, regardless of what you’d eat or not, just make sure you hold your pet’s paw tight if you’re ever near Edna’s Tower; you don’t want the last thing they hear to be her ominous cackle and ‘Bon Appetit!’.

 
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