Do Not Donate Your Garbage: A Polite Suggestion
(Today’s article is dutifully presented by the Secondhand Shoppe Ruki, who did not, in fact, barge into the author’s offices and made him faint from the pungent smell of trash. The author definitely has consented to this article, and the Ruki has definitely not forced his hand in its creation.)
The title is a lie. This is not a polite suggestion. If you donate Piles of Dung to my shop, I sincerely hope the Pant Devil comes for your codestones.
Look. I get it. We can’t all live off the generosity of random Neopians. I mean, even I have a job besides giving out free clothing! We all need to make a living and earn the food on the table and the clothes on our backs. But there’s a key difference between the individual who chooses to sell expensive clothing instead of donating it, and the rotten mutant Moehog who decides to dump whatever organic droppings they found on Meri Acres.
"Oh, but that’s just the worth of clothing in the Neopian Second-hand Shoppe!" I can already hear you say. "If people are going to get it for free, might as well get garbage!" Firstly, let’s ignore how tremendously selfish you sound. Let’s assume that yes, all of my clients deserve to use nose plugs when walking into my establishment. Throw them all under the hypothetical Uni carriage, see if I care—but I will not go down with your ‘free-loaders’. Your egotistical mentality will not affect me, so help me Fyora, because I’ve had enough of this.
So, if you are under the illusion that you’re being charitable when you’re donating useless garbage to me (or the Money Tree, for that matter), let me break it for you: You’re not. In fact, you are the bane of my existence.
"Oh, but Mr. Shoppe Keeper, what do you mean by garbage?" I’m glad you asked, random reader. It’s quite simple, really. If you wouldn’t pick it up in my shop, discard it. Like a good citizen.
However, I understand. Clearly, some of you lack the sympathy for our less fortunate Neopians, and think that it’s appropriate to feed poor children Warf food. Thus, I’ve compiled a handy guide of things you can do to make the Second-hand Shoppe (and the Money Tree) a better place for all Neopians.
Step One: Please Discard Your Garbage
Don’t look at me like you don’t know what I mean. I’ve spoken of one type of garbage multiple times already but compared to the Money Tree, I have it easy. Sometimes people donate rocks to me, more often dung—that’s fine. The Money Tree? That poor thing, he gets pieces of wood thrown his way, or sea shrubbery, or barbed wire. Just think of it! Barbed wire! Think of the poor beggar children walking around, looking for food! Unfounded, simply unfounded.
Now, you may look at me, shaking your head, murmuring: "That’s just the way it is." No. No, it isn’t. When you decide to part ways with certain items, you are given two choices—give them to as a gift to a Neopian, or discard them. (Haven’t you heard? There’s actually a discard option. Amazing, isn’t it?) You might think the former option is the most charitable, but consider this: Would you sincerely give your friend an Old Rotten Right Shoe?
You might still be confused as to what you should and shouldn’t donate. Fair enough. All I ask is for you to stop donating Piles of Dung, Ultra (not) Fashionable Potato Sacks and Mossy Rocks—though I’m not as harsh on the latter, I feel they may still have its uses. And on my friend the Money Tree’s behalf, ask yourself: Is it pretty to look at? Is it at all of any worth, other than for avid garbage collectors? Would you sincerely give it to your friend? Is it edible to anybody other than a Skeith or a Grarrl? If not, then please discard it.
Step Two: Good Things to Donate
Now, obviously, I’m not asking for anything expensive. Really, I can’t ask for anything expensive! But it’s the modern century, donations can still be good and cheap. You can find the Rocky Ocean Background for about as much (maybe even less) as a Pile of Dung! The I Club Sloth Grundo T-Shirt? A classic. Tutorial Certificate of Completion? Quite literally almost everybody still has one of these from when they were introduced to Neopia. And I haven’t even gotten to the Apple Bobbing prizes, or the Forgotten Shore Background. Long story short, there are plenty of colorful and lovely wearables cheap enough to be a gift for an unfortunate Neopian.
And as for the Money Tree? He often gets Omelette from Tyrannia or Jelly from somewhere that obviously doesn’t exist (perhaps they got it from the void of space?), which is great! Those items don’t even cost anything, they’re free. Yet, they’re also useful for Neopians who need extra help in feeding their brothers and sisters. Free food, the occasional book, good toys, they’re all welcomed in the Money Tree. And it makes the neighborhood look rather comely, wouldn’t you agree?
My point is, if it’s under 10 NP but it’s pretty enough to give as a gift, why not donate it? What’s a couple of coins to you?
Step Three: Throw Out the Trash
I mean this quite literally. We are a bit swamped.
There are certainly some kind Neopians who’ve taken the more unsavory items off my shelves, but there will always be individuals who decide to dump more on me. And I quite literally mean dump—we have a chute in the back when people ‘donate’ to us. What, you think they come to me? There’s a reason I haven’t become a Battledome challenger yet, mind you, and it’s because nobody has the gall to look me in the eye and give me a rack of dung.
So, if you ever have the time, come by to my shoppe or the Money Tree and feel free to look around! Take some garbage and discard it, and perhaps you’ll find something worth taking? I can assure you, it’s a rewarding experience to know you’ve helped a fellow Neopian.
(This has been your polite suggestion from a very ruffled Ruki.)