Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 194,767,710 Issue: 793 | 11th day of Hiding, Y19
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The Scrivener Returns


by cosmicfire918

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Greetings, Neopian bookworms! It is I, that madcap literary marauder, the Scrivener! Once again, I have ventured into the pages of the Neopian Times to tell you of my latest exploits!

This last month saw me in my homeland of Altador, in the heart of its great capital city, where I had the audacity to leave book reviews in the marketplace for all to see! I swept among the abandoned stalls under cover of night, carefully using an improbable number of daggers to pin reviews to crates and walls, for shoppers and salespets to peruse the next morning! (Believe me, buying all those daggers all the time isn’t cheap. But it’s so worth it to keep up the image.)

Unfortunately, things went a little awry for this maverick Scrivener. See, Kelland just so happened to be on patrol that night, and, ahem, a book reviewer who acts like a thief isn’t really a match for a master thief. I was summarily apprehended and asked which thieves’ guild I was working under. He didn’t really believe me when I said I didn’t steal anything, only left book reviews. In fact, he laughed in my face.

But never fear, dear readers! For the Scrivener does indeed have some tricks in the folds of her rather dashing cape! And by “tricks” I of course mean a Flask of Liquid Sunlight.

With Kelland’s retinas sufficiently seared, I made my escape, free to spend another day giving the Neopian Times the book reviews it needs!

I’m fairly certain the entire Altadorian Council are now on a Neopet-hunt for the Scrivener, but they shall never find her, because she is right under their noses, living a quiet life as the mild-mannered (okay, not so mild-mannered) Disco Zafara, Blynn679—

Oh. Shoot.

I hope none of them read the Neopian Times.

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Arts and Crafts With LupesWho said Lupes were just hunters? Read this book to find out how to make paper chia chains and lots more.

As the description suggests, this book is chock-full of Lupe-inspired crafting ideas for the more artistically-inclined Lupe in your life. In this volume, you’ll find ideas for things like origami swords, metalwork meat-roasting skewers, and even how to construct Monocerous traps out of nothing but paper clips and twine!

Ummm. Hmm. It seems Lupes are just hunters.

Looking Like A MoehogLearn how to get the Moehog style with this step by step guide to looking like a Moehog.

This book is the most fantastic fashion guide ever written. I’m not being sarcastic at all. Within this volume you’ll learn: how to fashion your hair into a mohawk (even if you don’t have hair); how to grow your upper teeth into tusks (just as a warning, it does involve small amounts of transmogrification potion); and how to perfect that wide-eyed grin that just oozes sophistication and confidence.

Basically, it’s everything you’ll need to win the Beauty Contest.

Radio Active Pteri Part 1Find out what makes these little fellows glow in Radio Active Pteri.

This book caused quite the stir when it first came out back in Y3. The thrilling adventures of a glowing Pteri captured the attention of millions of readers, propelling its author to stardom nearly overnight. The cliffhanger ending just begged for a sequel—as did the rampant fanbase.

However, to everyone’s astonishment, the book’s author announced that she was going into retirement shortly afterward! Rumors sprung up like Feather Weeds as Neopets tried to figure out why. Some said she just wanted to spend more time with her family; others suggested that she was a one-shot wonder whose creative well had run dry after only one book. Some even believed that she was the Radio Active Pteri and was too busy with her latest adventures to write about them. (This last idea never gained much hold, however, as the author is actually a green Gelert.)

Of course, the controversy and intrigue surrounding the book and its presumed “lost” sequel just gave it more attention, and more sales. That is why some Neopets even believed that the author had intentionally ended on a cliffhanger, with no intention of ever writing a sequel, in order to generate publicity. Quite sneaky of her.

The whole affair finally got some closure in Y18, when Radio Active Pteri Part 2 was released, and we all got to read the gripping conclusion to a tale fifteen years in the making.

Interestingly enough, the author still has never revealed why the sequel took so long to make it to market. Maybe she really is the Radio Active Pteri, and she drank a morphing potion before beginning to make public appearances. Neopia may never know.

All You Need to Know About Your JubJubEver wondered why JubJubs have such large feet, or why all JubJubs have the same colour eyes? All is revealed in this handy little book.

You really can’t judge a book by its cover. What looks on the outside to be a harmless little volume on a particular pet species is actually an exposé on the conspiracy behind the entire JubJub race—or so the author claims. He says their lack of variation in eye colour is due to their being a failed experiment of Dr. Sloth’s when the mad doctor tried to create a clone army of supersoldiers. Their oversized feet were supposed to have been more proportional to their hypothetical oversized bodies, but a few mistakes in the gene sequence meant that Sloth ended up with large-footed fuzzballs instead.

However, the author says JubJubs are still loyal to their creator, and they are waiting for the day when, on Sloth’s word, they will rise up and take control of Neopia… yeah, right.

Still, reading this one might have you looking twice at any JubJub you see walking down the street with those big feet of theirs.

Neopian Times Issue 3It is a really old copy of the Neopian Times.

Few books (or in this case, “books”) have gained the notoriety of the infamous 3rd issue of the Neopian Times. Why? Because the Tombola gives it out, so it’s everywhere. Over the years, many have wondered what happened to the surplus of all of the other hundreds of editions of the Times. Why only Issue 3, Tiki Tack Man?

This Scrivener knows the answer, because in a business like mine, you have the right connections. The day Issue 3 went to press, there was a magical glitch in the enchanted printing press that prints the Times. Now, remember, this is Issue 3 we’re talking about—the magic that goes into mass media was still in its infancy. The publishing sorcerers hadn’t ironed out all the bugs. Anyway, there was some sort of time-space distortion and the machine ended up spitting out tens of billions of copies of Issue 3.

Not sure what to do with them, the publishers decided upon the most logical course of action—loading them onto a boat to be hauled out to the ocean and dumped there. But the ship was wrecked on Mystery Island on its way to the dump site. One of the crew took a liking to the island and decided to stay, and discovered that he could make good money by running a free chance game and periodically asking people to buy overpriced junk to support him.

This was none other than our good friend the Tiki Tack Man, and he used the salvaged refuse from his ship as “prizes” for his game and stock for his shop. Somehow, that’s made him one of the most popular guys on the island. It just goes to show that you never know what’s going to be big in Neopia.

At any rate, this also explains why all those copies of Issue 3 are a little waterlogged.

Sad Peophin StoriesA collection of tear jerking tales such as how the Peophin faced extinction, and the miserable tale of little finny.

This anthology is the best cure for an excess of happiness in your life. If you’re feeling too good about the way things are going, if you can’t seem to get down from that awesome mood, just one of the stories in this collection will immediately remind you of everything you have to be depressed about. How kind of the authors to do us this valuable service.

A Grundo ChristmasA great tale for all the family about one little Grundo who found happiness in time for Christmas.

My brother Hyren hates this book, so it’s family tradition to read it every Giving Day. He hates it because, being a Grundo himself (and a rather smart one), he can’t stand the popular stereotype of Grundos as drooling dimwits. And that stereotype is perpetuated in this corny tale. It’s all about a rather vapid young Grundo living on the Virtupets Space Station, waiting for someone to take him home amid all the Giving Day festivities. Of course, in the end he does find that dream family who loves him because… I don’t know, his eyes are extra big and shiny or something.

It’s one of those stories that doesn’t try to make sense, it’s just trying to be sappy and tear-jerking. But without realistic characters or a solid grounding for the plot, it’s the literary equivalent of faerie floss: sweet without any substance. My family always gets a good laugh and some solid eye-rolls out of it.

Still, near the end, I swear I always see a tear in my brother’s eye as the book talks about how the protagonist finally found a family who would love him forever. Hyren acts old and crusty, but I’m on to him.

The MoverA heroic tale of one extraordinary Jetsam who started out moving furniture into peoples Neohomes.

On the other hand, this work of fiction is fantastic. Like A Grundo Christmas, The Mover is one of those feel-good stories, but it accomplishes its aims with a less flowery writing style and a more unique plotline. The likeable protagonist is a down-on-his-luck young Jetsam from a rough part of Neopia Central. Instead of opting for a life of crime like many of his peers, he wants to use his physical abilities to help people rather than intimidate them, so he starts a furniture-moving business.

Although things get off to a rocky start, with trouble getting jobs due to his species’s reputation, and opposition from his so-called friends, the protagonist gradually gains the trust of his community and a sizeable pool of clients, and begins hiring other Neopets who want to turn their lives around. By the end of the book, he’s become the CEO of a widespread and successful moving business, and he’s touched countless lives for the better.

I imagine these are the kinds of books that really make an impact on Neopia—books that inspire all of us to believe in better things for ourselves and never give up.

--

And with that, I had better end this round of book reviews. A suspicious number of Petpets have been popping up in our gardens lately, and I think Fauna may be trying to sniff me out with them. My owner and brothers keep telling me to just come clean, but that would ruin all the fun! Besides, I think I’ve covered my tracks well enough that they’ll never catch me—

Is that a knock at the door?

 
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