Erick Yoolander: Neopia's #1 Yooyu Model
Interviewee: Erick Yoolander
Location: EVIL Radio Station, Haunted Woods-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTERVIEWER: Well, today we have a special treat for all of you wonderful Neofolks out there. We are interviewing The Yooyu who is THE FACE of the Altador Yooyu balls, as well as many other Yooyu themed items in general. We're all big fans and we wish to extend a warm welcome to professional model, Erick Yoolander! *claps*
YOOLANDER: *Sitting on couch across from interviewer* Actually.... Erick Yoolander was my father, please.... call me Sir Yoolander the Magnificent....or Mr. Yoolander for short.
INTERVIEWER:Uh..well you have a very unique name... right then. Tell me Mr. Yoolander, how did you become the face of Yooyus everywhere? *Sips borovan from Yooyu Mug *
YOOLANDER: Honestly? I've always had a face that screamed model. I was different from other Yooyus growing up. They always wanted to jump around and turn into balls.....so lacking in vision …....while I preferred to sashay in front a mirror. They would call me names like Yootoopretty and Yoolamer. It was pretty traumatizing being the rising star they couldn't keep down...*chortles bitterly* I can't blame them for being rather jealous though.
*Stares out vacantly into space* I sought my revenge later on...in the form of ordering 30 million nps worth of Yooyu Pizza to each of their houses. They went bankrupt and last I heard they were all getting food from the soup kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: Well that doesn't sound super ethical…...*suddenly remembers horrible boss from youth*....but these things happen.
YOOLANDER: The day I was discovered was a typical day. I was just buying my usual hair product from Prigpants & Swolthy, Tailors when a representative of Spectre, the self-made Jetsam millionaire, came running up to me saying how I was the '”face of the brand” and that for 50% cut they could make me rich beyond my wildest dreams.
INTERVIEWER: Wow, to be approached so suddenly like that must have been a little awkward, or intimidating, for you, right?
YOOLANDER: Not really. At that point in my life I was regularly being called 'face of the brand' by random Neopians....though most of them never returned my calls.
INTERVIEWER: I'm sure all of our listeners out there are aware that you are the #1 Yooyu model in Neopia. But, for those who are just tuning in, which items specifically feature you on them?
YOOLANDER: I mean...too many to list here. Everything from marbles to stamps. Thousands of items have my face on them. *Points to cup of borovan* my mug is on your mug.
Personally, my favorite item is “Yooyu Eyes”, an exquisite item that only the most fashionable Neopians have. *Grins smugly * It was modeled after my own eyes. Funny story behind them...they almost weren't created. See, I knew that huge profits could be made off of my good looks so I sat down with my reps and said “I want more money”...but they didn't want to give me more money so I decided to just take what they were offering.
INTERVIEWER: That's a ...*pause*... fascinating story, Mr. Yoolander. What are some other items you are featured on, maybe ones that the listeners wouldn't suspect ?
YOOLANDER: *Sighs deeply and leans back in couch* I don't tell many people this but Oversized Squishable Yooyu (toy) was actually modeled after me. I usually tell people that it's someone else; one of my competitors or a distant relative. It's been a deep dark secret of mine. I was going through a very bad time in my life. I had so much money - more than I knew what to do with, then I went and spent billions of neopoints on fancy gourmet foods and never went to the Grundo Gym. I won a trophy but still.... around that same time nobody would hire me because they said I acted like a diva *rolls eyes* . I was a complete mess. Then a group called the Squishy Acceptance League approached me with an idea for a toy that would positively influence young Neopets. I was out of money at that point, so I was forced to accept their offer *wipes away a tear* .
I look back on that time and realize that even though I was...not myself, being outrageously good looking isn't something you can just lose overtime...or run away from. It's something that one is simply born into. It's a gift that must be shared with the world.
INTERVIEWER: That's the most inspirational, and heartfelt, thing I've ever heard any of my guests say. Beautifully spoken. But... I'm sure our audience is wondering about this so-called 'diva' behavior. What made them think you were a diva?
YOOLANDER: Oh, please *waves hand* ... all rumors. I had some 'minor requirements' : that the company provide me with a simple gold plated trailer, that someone carry a mirror around for me 24/7, and a few other slight things....if that's diva behavior ,well, call me a diva I guess.
INTERVIEWER: Those are perfectly reasonable demands. Do you have any poses or looks that you are proud of or use frequently?
YOOLANDER: *Thinks* Well, yes, there's my personal favorite the multifaceted "Yooey Blooey" look (as featured on Yooyu Cap) where I spread happiness to Neopia through my carefully crafted smile . There's also the "Yooey Evilooey" look (as featured on Mutant Yooyu Plushie) where I spread unhappiness to Neopia through my carefully crafted hate.... the “Yooey Evilooey” look really opened up doors to serious acting roles though; like my guest star appearance on the hit neoTV drama 'All My All-Stars'.
INTERVIEWER: Wow, so not just another pretty face in the crowd! I remember you on 'All My All-Stars' such a fantastic show! I loved how you made the role of the shopkeeper seem so...complex.
* Speaking to audience * In the past, Mr. Yoolander has also filled in for the Fungus Balls (of Chomby and the Fungus Balls) when they were ill. Those were some great performances; I couldn't tell the difference between you and the real fungus. But.... I'm gushing here *pauses*. To change the subject a bit, do you have any life regrets?
YOOLANDER: I believe that not living with regrets is truly living with no regrets. However, there is one moment in my life that I'm not proud of. In 2008 I went to watch the 3rd Altador Cup, a local business was handing out free heart balloons. They were down to the last one, so I bulldozed through many young Neopets to get MY free balloon; baby pets were flying left and right until it was down to just me and a baby Lupe. I swatted the balloon out of her hands and, unfortunately, it popped.....A bunch of Neopians saw what happened and started chanting "Deflate Gate" as I was chased out of the stadium. I will forever have those words ringing in my head. That poor, poor balloon.....*Shakes head*
I would like to apologize to all my fans for my behavior that day...free balloons are sort of a hobby of mine and .... *stands up and jumps on couch* I LOVE FREE BALLOONS! I LOVE FREE BALLOONS! *gains composure and sits back down in couch obviously embarrassed*
*Clears throat* I lost control of the situation on THAT particular day but I will never EVER pop a balloon again, my word or your money back.
INTERVIEWER: Oook...then....*laughs nervously* free balloons are the way to Mr. Yoolander's heart. Good to know, good to know. I don't want to take much more of your time but I would like to ask you two more questions. What are your plans for the future? And what do you wish to tell all of your devoted fans out there?
YOOLANDER: The future part is a surprise *winks* but fans can expect more of my beautiful face in it for sure. There are some secret VIP Yooyu items in the works that I think they will love.
As for my fans, I just want to say this....when you approach me please divert one of your eyes, the left one preferably, and then wait for the signal to cross. If you wish for an autograph please deposit the correct amount of neopoints in the designated machine.
INTERVIEWER: *Pause* er, lovely closing sentiments...thank you for joining us today, Mr. Yoolander. We are huge fans of yours and look forward to seeing your merchandise in stores everywhere! We wish you luck with future endeavors and hope you will stop by our station again soon.
YOOLANDER: NEVER!!!! *gets up and runs away while stealing a nearby balloon*--------------------------------- uncomfortable pause -----------------------------------------------------------INTERVIEWER: *At a loss for words; reads from notes* That was..um... Erick Yoolander everyone! Professional Yooyu male model and...free-balloons enthusiast. If you didn't like him before you're sure to like him..... now. Be sure to follow us in the Neopian Times for more D-List Neolebrity Interviews!