A Yurble stole my cinnamon roll! Circulation: 194,623,805 Issue: 781 | 12th day of Hunting, Y19
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Restaurant Critic, Vol. 1


by water_park1993

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Everyone wants to become a Restaurant Critic! But very few true food lovers achieve their dream and make a name for themselves while doing what they enjoy most; eating! Restaurants beware for I am ruthless (No, not the archnemesis of AAA).

Kelp - Maraqua

I finally reached the precious restaurant! To find a restaurant underwater, in the afternoon, wasn’t the easiest of jobs; especially when seaweed is constantly blocking your view! I moved in. Once I was in, a Maraquan Scorchio greeted me.

“Welcome to Kelp, Sir. We pride ourselves on our eclectic blend of both modern and traditional cuisine, which I am sure a connoisseur such as yourself will appreciate. Do you have a reservation? What name will it be under?”

“Christos”, I said quickly.

“Mr. Christos! Wonderful, someone will seat you momentarily.” The Scorchio said and pointed towards the tables. The whole room was candle lit! Around me I could mostly see Royal Neopets stuffing their mouths with food..

A Maraquan Uni passed in front of me and led me towards a table in a professional and polite manner..

“I am a critic, I believe you’ve been expecting me?” I inquired and sat on the chair.

“Certainly, welcome to Kelp, the gem of the seas,” the Uni greeted me..

“So, which is your best dish as a main course?” I inquired.

“Certainly the Ocean Platter, a delectable blend of Maraquan delights is our best main course”

Some minutes later the Uni brought the dish. It was no joke that Kelp seemed the gem of the seas. All the pieces looked nicely cut and the vegetables looked fresh. I cut a small piece of Chokato, which was near the piece of the steak. I continued with the rest of the vegetables before indulging into the actual meat. That was a tasteful and fantastic dish!

“Really, delicious!” I exclaimed after I rested his spoon on the plate. “Your best dish is really great!” I continued and smiled. The Uni smiled gracefully.

“As for a cocktail, I would suggest our Seaweed Surprise,” the Uni independently suggested, a gesture I thoroughly appreciated. He left for some minutes and returned with a glass of cocktail.

The overall cocktail appearance might not have been the best, or up to Kelp’s standards,, but the actual cocktail was exceptionally tasteful! You could feel the tangy twist made from seaweed extracts, which I had despised earlier on my way to the restaurant.

Well, if you are choosing to go to Kelp, then you must remember to take with you a handful of Neopoints, as they will be much needed! I paid 42,000 for a main and a cocktail which places Kelp on the high-spending point of the chart.

Even though Kelp is expensive, its decor and professionalism makes it a great venue for you and your friends.

Neolodge - Neopia Central

I moved in the Neolodge. The red carpet in front of the receptionist desk signified to me that this hotel would have a great restaurant. Nevertheless I had to wait for the receptionist to finish with some errands before explaining my situation. The receptionist understood that I had come as a critic, that I had no intentions of staying in any of their available hotels but I was solely interested on their restaurant, which served all the different branches.

“Welcome! As known, Neolodge has a lot of hotels around it. But the restaurant is located here, in the central annex. All our dishes serve the different hotels, while the star rating of each hotel is only determined by the facilities of the specific hotel, not taking into consideration the restaurant. The Chef has been preparing a soup for you, in anticipation of your arrival,” she informed me. She didn’t take a single breath until she had finished! I moved towards the restaurant. The receptionist let in and seated me on a wooden chair, in front of a wooden table.

I soon realised that, despite the Neolodge having some 5-star hotels as options, their restaurant rather betokened a service of maximum 2 stars.

The soup promptly arrived and I dipped in my wooden spoon.

“What is this in my spoon?!” I suddenly shouted.

The chef, who had heard my cries from the kitchen came running towards my table. It was a Blechy. Yes a real, living Blechy into a restaurant’s soup! I started furiously walking towards the receptionist!

I found her combing her hair! I looked at her frustrated and demanded some answers.

“There is a Blechy in my soup!” I shouted.

“Agai-- I mean oh no!” she responded and blushed.

I left the Neolodge, without paying. They did not deserve any kind of payment or recognition for their work. The most well-known company of a variety of hotels had one the worst restaurants I had seen in my life.

Food Shop - Neopia Central

While being in Neopia Central, I tried to find a way in order to get inside that Burger, which is called “Food Shop” and it seemed like a difficult task. I knew that it wasn’t an actual restaurant, but it still needed to form an opinion while being in the area, especially after the fiasco with the Neolodge. I finally found the entrance at the bottom of the double-patty burger-like structure, with extra cheese.

“Welcome, welcome!” a yellow, graceful Chia greeted me. The Chia continuously moved his hands around to show me the way in which lead to a shop counter, currently empty of anything. Many more people were anxiously waiting for the Chia to restock. Suddenly the Chia moved to the back of the store and came out with a plethora of food items.

And then chaos commenced! People pushing each other, grabbing whatever they could, shouting prices and bargaining to buy their product for a cheaper price. I was startled. Left to stare at the pandemonium in front of me, until I realised that the shop counter was now empty; and I hadn’t managed to snipe anything for me to try out!

“Excuse me Sir,” I approached the Chia. “When is your next restock? I am a food critic and I would like to form an opinion on your goods,” I inquired, eagerly anticipating some free food from the shopkeeper.

“Sorry, we are sold out of everything! We get restocked every eight minutes or so, so please come back soon,” he replied.

“Can’t we arrange something for me? All the chaos that occurs every time you restock renders me unable to buy anything in time,” I replied, in hopes of some form of arrangement with him.

“I am afraid I cannot restock out of hours, as I am waiting for my goods to prepare, but not to worry. We now restock 3 times as much!” he cheerfully replied and left me.

Another restock occurred, once again leaving me with no actual goods bought. I decided to leave the shop, due to my inability to quickly snatch something from the counter. It was a bad idea to try and visit a shop as a food critic.

Giant Omelette - Tyrannia

After leaving Neopia Central, I decided to critic the Giant Omelette. At the end of the day, who doesn’t enjoy free food? I quickly reached the plateau and approached the Omelette, where Sabre X was expecting me, for he had been notified.

“I never actually asked, where does this giant Omelette come from?” I asked him while drenching in sweat. Tyrannian weather and all!

“Well, this Giant Omelette has no identity, no history but certainly much future,” Sabre X mystically answered. I felt he wasn’t really sure himself of the origins of this plateau treasure. And to prevent my readers from falsely believing urban legends, I am against the theory of a gigantic dinosaur laying a massive egg, as most Neopians believe.

He had arranged for a stone table and a chair to be brought for me on the plateau, such a good gesture from him.

“Are you ready for the best dish of your life?” Sabre X roared and smiled. He then brought a clean, Sausage Omelette and a dirty, pea Omelette, a difference I hadn’t noticed at the time. I started with the Sausage Omelette. Each tasteful bite lasted several minutes while the rich aroma reached my nose; everything was perfect! I then continued with my Pea Omelette.

Suddenly, I felt a little pebble in my mouth. I started spitting the whole bite of Omelette I had eaten. There were several more pebbles in my mouth.

“What?!” I yelled, “Why did this happen to me again?!” I continued.

“What’s wrong?” Sabre X asked once he arrived closer, since he had heard my shouts.

“For starters, my Pea Omelette has pebbles in it,” I said with a loud voice, trying to stay calm. I turned to look at the rest of the piece, “and the rest is dirty underneath,” I continued as soon as I realized it.

“These things happen. You see, you were one of the ‘lucky’ ones to get a piece that had been lying on the floor! Sorry about that,” Sabre X said and smiled innocently!

As an apology, Sabre X brought me a really rare piece of Omelette. Specifically some Chokato Omelette! With no second thoughts I bit the new piece of Omelette, which I had enjoyed thoroughly. Being a free food venue, the Giant Omelette certainly served its purpose. It might not have been of the highest quality - considering the chance of biting into pebbles - but the friendliness of Sabre X and the excellent, warm weather of Tyrannia serve for a nice escape place after a tiring day.

 
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