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Throw Together Cooking


by queen_potema

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Look, I get it. You've got a Can of Prune Juice and about five dozen Green Pepper Omelettes sitting in your inventory, and you wouldn't eat them if your life depended on it. You have no idea how to cook. You spend the majority of your time hanging at the NeoLodge with your pets, mooching off their Neovision and sneaking night swims at the pool.

But vending machine snack chips can only last you so long.

Here you'll receive step-by-step training on how to take the most commonly given out daily food stuffs, and make them into something even Kelp waiters would eat on a Tuesday night after getting home from a long shift.

What You'll Need:

A fork

Something to cook in

An oven mit, 'cause safety

A fire extinguisher, 'cause more safety

A good, tall glass of Thornberry Brew

Maybe some Neopet supervision

Another fire extinguisher

And now, the recipes!

Handful of Asparagus:

Don't eat it.

That's a wearable.

Off The Bone, Rancid Meat Burgers:

Rancid Old Meat

Space Spice

Geraptiku Burger

Turn your stove on and put your pan thing on the hot part. Be careful. Don't touch the hot part yourself. It's hot.

Take that old meat and hold it over the pan. Take your Space Spice and sprinkle it UNDER the meat. That spice stuff floats. So coat the meat, watch your eyes, then drop that rancid hunk right into the pan. Cook until you think all the poisonous bacteria are dead. Take your Geraptiku Burger, lift the top bun, and just like, lose the bones. You can save 'em, I mean. But why?

Pull the rancid meat out of the pan, then cut the meat from its bone. Slap it on your burger bun. And bone appetit!

Get it? Bone? Ha!

Buzzing Potato Cutlets and Cold Ketchup:

Ketchup Ice Cream

French Flies

First, take your Ketchup Ice Cream and turn it upside down in a bowl, and just let it melt. Cool, that's done. Then take your flies- err, fries. Flries?- Potato cutlets. Now it's optional, but you can pick the flies off the ends; or leave them on, dip them in the melted ketchup ice cream puddle and just pretend it's a delicious niblet that got crunchy in the fryer.

Either way, no judgment. Check your teeth for wings when done.

Pizza on the Fly:

Maggot Pizza

1/3 Sausage and Pepperoni Omelette

Don't be sick. Deep breath. You just picked flies off fries, remember? They're just maggots. Put on your oven mit, grab the slice of pizza by the crust, hang the slice out the window, and shake. Hard enough to remove maggots. Not so hard that you lose the pizza.

Try not to shake it over your baby Acara's tea party with the neighbor Cybunny girl, whose owner put in a pool you just bought a new swim suit for.

Pull pizza back in. Comfort soothingly with gentle words.

Remove sausage and pepperoni bits from 1/3 omelette. Apply to barren maggot pizza. Maybe heat it up, if you want. Some like it cold, so. Do you.

Enjoy the grubs! Grub! I meant grub! Food.

Almost Vegetarian Pasta Bowl:

Baked Cheddar Straws

Pasta and Eyes

Onion Puff

Sweetcorn with Tomato Sauce

Run to the cupboards where you keep the grater because I forgot we'd need it. Holding it over your cooking pan thing, grate the SMALLEST pinch of Onion Puff into the pan. Throw the rest away. It's gross and makes you smell like Florg after a petpet binge. Add the tomato sauce from the Sweetcorn. You can add water, or whatever, but not too much. It's not soup.

I think.

Scrap the eye balls off the top of the pasta unless you want some pop in your noodles. Throw the pasta into the sauce and let it simmer. To simmer means the sauce is burping but not spewing at you. When everything is hot and you don't feel like waiting and testing the noodles properly anymore, dump out how much you want into a bowl.

Crunch up baked cheddar straws between your palms and sprinkle over the top for extra yum. Wipe hands on pants.

Eye know you'll love it!

Come Fly With Me Breakfast:

Eggs on Rock

Deviled Steak

Rock Waffle

Take out your waffle first. Rinse it off, and hold it steady. Pull out your Deviled Steak. When it tries to fly away, beat it mercilessly with your waffle until it gives up on escape.

Those eggs were born ready, so just slide them onto the plate next to your defeated steak.

Eating of the waffle is optional.

If you clap the two rocks leftover from your eggs together, it might sound like a Uni galloping through a meadow.

Rainbows not included.

Fon-Did You Eat 1/2 My Berry:

Half-eaten Berry

Chocolate Taco

Chocolate Ice Cream Puff

Haunted Woods Chocolate Milk Glass

Roxton's Mug of Hot Chocolate

First, cut up all your half-eaten berries so no one notices the bite marks. Leave them in good size chunks that won't slip off the end of your fork.

Take your chocolate taco and begin to disassemble its parts. If it's savory, chuck it. If it's chocolate, hoard it and don't share.

I mean, set it aside and try not to nibble on it. Take all your different chocolate items and chuck them into your pan, adding the milk from your Haunted Woods glass, and the hot chocolate from Roxton's Mug last.

Stir, stir, stir! Don't give it a break. Seriously, I don't know what'll happen.

Chocolate never makes it this far in my Neohome.

Once it's all mixed and melty looking, take it off the heat.

Try not to burn your tongue as you shovel berry coated in chocolate into your face.

A Trifle of a Dessert:

Box of Trifle Mix

Korbat Seasonal Fruit Basket

Neggy Custard Pie

Dandelion and Burdock Drink

First, do the Trifle Mix. Make it according to the box so it comes out right. When that's done you should have a white cake. Good job!

Next, cut up the yummiest looking fruit from the Korbat basket. Make sure you don't leave in the cores or anything. They are not tasty, and seeds are not fun to bite down on. Go on ahead and pull the Negg out of the Custard pie. Cut it up, too. Might as well, right? Like, the more fruit the merrier.

In a dish nice enough to take to a potluck, put the fruit in first and splash some of the Dandelion and Burdock on it. Then put in some cake, some more drink, some more fruit, some custard, some drink, some fruit. You get the idea. Layer that sucker. Like a parfait! Those are delicious. I've heard everybody likes parfaits.

When you're done, serve with a big spoon. Or take it to your room and eat it while you check out the comics in the Neopian Times. No one saw you make it, they're all at the Neolodge. Something about it raining maggots.

Throw It In The Pot:

Musho Mushy Peas

Gelatinous Boullion Non-Cube

Salt Mote

Spoiled Sphinx Links

Optional:

Corn Bread

Butterfish

Chop up the links and bang the can of peas against the counter until they open. Or use a can opener. Whatever. Be fancy.

Throw the peas, the non-cube, 1/3 of the mote, and the links into a giant pot of water. Make sure the pot is on the stove. You can turn the stove on. It needs to cook, so. Heat will be required.

When that comes to a boil take a spoon to taste, but blow on it a bunch of times before actually eating it. Safety first.

Turn the heat down so that the soup isn't boiling over the edges of the pot. Let it simmer for awhile. Take your corn bread and smother it in butterfish.

Fill up on cornbread while you lean against the kitchen counters reading 'Usuki Monthly' and waiting for the soup to finish cooking.

And voila!

Now you've got some recipes under your belt. It's time to venture forth and spread your culinary mediocrity to the world! Let's hope no one gets sick and ends up in the hospital because of it.

Or just skip it and enjoy some pizza by the Neolodge's hot tub you were supposed to vacate three hours ago. Seriously, let's hope you're not a Maraquan Ruki.

Cheers and happy Throw Together!

 
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