Gourmet or Gross: A Foodie’s Guide

Whether you’re sick of your usual bland diet of Neocola and Aisha Cheeseburgers, or if you have already exhausted your repertoire of gourmet foods like chocolate coated blue cheese and black caviar, “gross” foods are the perfect category with which to expand your palate and bring some excitement to your meals.

That being said, there are still many gross foods that you do not want anywhere near your refrigerator or your plate. As the current Sous Chef at Kelp and former Sauté Chef at The Golden Dubloon, I have both the discriminating palate and culinary expertise to guide you through the world of gross foods—the dishes worth tasting, and the ones that you should immediately toss in the trash. Without further ado, here are the results of my gross food taste test:

Beet and Onion Pudding:

I love beets and onions, so I was very hopeful when I saw this combination. (We do a fantastic roasted beet salad with caramelized onions and Maraquan dressing at Kelp.) In this dish, however, the earthy beets clashed spectacularly with pungent raw onions. The beets and onions are tossed together with a sloppy goop that masquerades as pudding. Even if the flavors worked (and trust me—they don’t), the slimy texture pushes this dish over the edge. It’s enough to make anyone cry.

The Verdict: GROSS

Cheese Covered Caramel Apple:

This dish takes the caramel apple that we all know and love and adds a few extra flourishes: cheese, sour cream and chives. As far as gross foods go, this one looks pretty innocent. The healthy coating of cheese and sour cream could be mistaken for white chocolate at first glance. Upon tasting, though, the difference is quite clear. The crunchy and sweet caramel apple combo is actually enhanced by flavours of rich cheese and tangy sour cream. It’s a classic carnival delight, reimagined.

The Verdict: GOURMET

Chocolate Ice Cream with Pickle Syrup:

There is nothing like relaxing after a long, hot day in the kitchen with some ice cream. This cone has a scoop of chocolate topped with a pickle syrup and sliced pickles for garnish. The dark and rich chocolate ice cream is perfectly complemented by the tangy, sweet syrup and—hear me out—the crunchy pickles on top are even better than the traditional cherry garnish! I may even start adding pickles to the ice cream at the restaurant. This one is a must-try for any ice cream lover!

The Verdict: GOURMET

Coconut Cream Steak:

As you’ve probably realized by now, I’m a huge fan of combining the sweet and savory. This coconut cream steak takes a juicy, seared steak and coats it with cream and coconut. The coconut is delicate enough that it doesn’t detract from the meatiness of the steak. Soaking the steak in cream beforehand may help seal in those juicy flavors. This lovely dish takes you right to the shores of Mystery Island.

The Verdict: GOURMET

Eyeball Sushi:

Sushi is all the rage nowadays and I too love a good sushi roll. I was skeptical about this one, but I closed my eyes and dug in. At Kelp, we use the freshest seaweed—picked daily outside the restaurant—for our rolls, and I could taste how fresh these ingredients were with my first bite. The fish is pleasantly flakey and the eyeballs add nice chewy texture. I opened my eyes for the second bite and made the mistake of making eye contact with my food. One bit was all I could stomach after that. I swear those little eyeballs followed me around. Never make eye contact with your food.

The Verdict: TIE (GOURMET only if you close your eyes)

Ground Beef Smores:

I haven’t had too many s’mores since moving to Maraqua but I certainly remember them fondly from my childhood. Crisp graham crackers, smooth chocolate and ground beef—what could go wrong? Plenty apparently! The beef was gristly and gag inducing. I had to scrape it off to even manage a second bite, and, even after taking the beef off, it still left a puddle of grease and misery. This truly is one camping trip that went horribly, horribly wrong.

The Verdict: GROSS

Mayo-Doused Batter-Fried Grackle Bugs with Honey Walnuts:

Give this dish some time—you’ll need it if you want to pronounce it or enjoy it! These grackle bugs are an amazing combo of flavor and textures—crisp and tangy, sweet and salty. I recommend eating this dish on top of a salad to make sure that you put all that mayo-doused goodness to good use. If you’ve got some time to spare, this is one dish that you are sure to enjoy!

The Verdict: GOURMET

Salmon Mousse Tea:

This mousse tea was a lovely shade of light pink, garnished with delicate green scallions; that was the only thing even remotely lovely about it. The tea is cold, fishy and soupy. I didn’t know if I should drink it with a straw or eat it with a spoon, and after being near the nauseating smell for only a few minutes, I didn’t want to do either. Is it mousse? Is it tea? I’m not trying it again, so we may never find out.

The Verdict: GROSS

Tempura-Fried Worms:

It’s been said that you can fry anything and make it still taste good. This dish confirms it! With the salty, crispy crunch on the outside and the chewy meat on the inside, I couldn’t stop myself from reaching for more. Don’t be put off by the worms—just think of them as the calamari of the land. All you Pteris out there may especially enjoy this!

The Verdict: GOURMET

Wocky Tacos:

I love a good taco, but trust me when I say that this was not it. While I may have overlooked the bland outer shell, and the lackluster cheese inside, I don’t enjoy pulling clumps of fur out of my teeth after eating. Even the fun wocky shape couldn’t save this dish. I’ve unfortunately been eating bits of fur with my food ever since I became a Doglefox owner, but why would anyone want to subject themselves to that willingly?

The Verdict: GROSS