Invisible Paint Brushes rock Circulation: 164,193,660 Issue: 179 | 25th day of Awakening, Y7
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Don't Feed Florg (Petpets)

by asia_flash_forever


SPACE STATION - Ever wanted to complain about the giant mutant Chia named Florg? I have, obviously…that’s why I made this article! Well, to tell the truth, it’s not all about Florg the giant mutant Chia, it’s about the game he stars in too; “Feed Florg”.

Now, before we start, let’s learn a little bit about this giant petpet-eating mutant Chia, Florg. First off, he likes to be called Florg. Simply Florg.

Now, let’s learn how he’s giant. Okay, well, the average Chia is 65 cm tall. Florg’s mouth is bigger than my hand, you can see that in Feed Florg. That gives the impression that he’d be taller than 65 cm tall, unless his mouth is freakishly disproportional to his body.

Next, how he’s a mutant Chia. Do I really need to explain this one? He’s a Chia, and he’s mutant. Therefore, he is a mutant Chia.

Oh yeah, and before you reach over there and try to pet him, he was yet another evil experiment from Sloth.

Now, things that confuse me or aggravate me about him and the game, or, I just felt like saying.

1) Florg is a meanie.

2) Why does he eat Petpets, anyway?!?

3) Why doesn’t he just eat all the Petpets that are on the table instead of waiting for them to be bounced around a lot?

4) What’s that big green thing heading in my direction?

5) Why is it yelling at me?

6) Why does it look strangely like Florg?

7) Due to the writer of this article being attacked by a giant petpet-eating mutant Chia called Florg, number 7 is being omitted.

8) He has an odd tongue.

9) It’s pink.

10) And…why can hands pass through it?

11) What’s wrong with Slorgs? They’re cute, and slimy, and disgusting and…actually… I take that back.

12) Florg wants to take over the gaming world.

13) Since, after all, Hasees and Slorgs and Warfs (or should that be Warves?) and Kadoaties all have a game to themselves. Well actually Warfs/Warves and Kadoaties share a game… but Kadoaties do have that whiny “I want a million blue-Draik eggs” game.

14) Psst… I never wash my hands before playing Feed Florg… and I’m pretty darn sure that that hand I’m seeing is my own…

15) Hey, why is that big green thing running toward me again?


Ahem! In fear of getting attacked yet again by the petpet-devouring Florg, I shall end my list right… NOW!

Phew. Anyway… I never really understood why he had to eat petpets. I mean, why not the old Chia Fruit Pop? And, since he’s a Chia and all, why not a magical Chia pop? One that would turn him into something less dangerous and less mutant, like… a blueberry! Or maybe asparagus. Yumm… asparagus…

I think it’s unfair he eats petpets. They’re poor innocent little things, and they’re… pets! If we care about our pets so much, who says that our pets shouldn’t care about their pets just as much, if not more?

Therefore, here is a quick list of things we can do to stop Florg from being Fed (petpets).

1) Stop playing Feed Florg.

2) Visit the Turmaculus more often. Wait… that’s not right…

3) Install a bouncy safety-mat on the floor of Florg’s Feeding Station (or wherever he gets fed).

4) Let all the petpets purposely fall to the floor to their safety (no--really! Remember the bouncy mat?).

5) Make your hand go through his tongue so many times that he can’t use it anymore.

6) Feed him a Magical Blueberry Chia Pop, insisting that it’s non-magical/a petpet.

7) Make lists to encourage people to stop Florg from being Fed (petpets).

8) Go on a strike and yell “Don’t Feed Florg!” making sure that your pet’s pet (AKA petpet) is beside you, adding “(Petpets)” after “Florg!”.

9) “Don’t Feed Florg!” “(Petpets)”

10) Buy more Slorgs! Remember: they’re cute, and slimy, and disgusting and… oh yeah. I forgot. Heheh… nevermind!

11) Rant for ages and ages in an article insisting to people “Don’t Feed Florg (Petpets)”.

12) Wake up in the middle of the night and think of more reasons for people not to feed Florg (petpets) because you are insane. (It actually -is- the middle of the night at the time of writing this)

13) [insert violent suggestion here]

14) Hey! Why wasn’t that last one put in? [insert angry thoughts here]

15) I’ve already said it but I’ll say it again just to make the list reach 15, Stop playing Feed Florg!!!

Now let’s have a moment to reflect on the last line of that list. Pretty stupid, eh? Especially since a whole 800 people play today. Gee, well that may seem like a lot (to those of you who are slightly airy up there at least) but it’s not! Considering that there are almost 100 million Neopians in Neopia.

The last line is in fact not stupid. If all those 800 people stop playing Feed Florg, they can each save about 25 petpets each.

However most of those 800 people probably play 3 times a day (as 3 is the maximum).

Let’s say 700 people play 3 times a day. Okay, well that’s 25 multiplied by 3, multiplied by 700. *Does super intelligent math on the calculator* well... AHA! 52,500 Petpet’s in Florg’s belly.

And of the remaining 100 people who play, let’s say 50 of them play twice a day. That’s 25 multiplied by 2, multiplied by 50. Which gives us 2,500 Petpets down Florg’s throat.

The other 50 only play once a day, which is 25 times 50, giving 1,250 more Petpets for Florg to devour.

Add that all up and 56,250 Petpets suddenly go “AHH!!” and then “POOF!”.

In one whole day.

All because of Florg.

Now you see the sense in that last line, don’t you? Especially after that entire brain-throbbing math, it kinda makes you think, doesn’t it? Oh no no, don’t hurt yourself, careful now.

Now that you see the sense in the list, let’s see if you see the sense in this whole ranting article of mine. You do? Well, really I don’t know if you do, seeing as this is kind of a monologue and I can’t really hear (or see) what you’re saying (or typing). Let’s just assume that you don’t.

Basically what I’m rambling on about is that we certainly wouldn’t want our pets eaten by anything/one, so why should our pets think differently about their pets (AKA Petpets)? They shouldn’t!

Petpets are pets after all, and maybe even more special and spoiled than our pets, since Neopets can only have one Petpet. Therefore their one petpet gets a lot of attention, as opposed to most of us. Most of us have at least 2 pets. Even though the number of Neopets per Neopian is 1.426, which is closer to 1 than 2 (again with the math…)

I did a little experiment and found that 5 out of 10 random people had 4 pets, 3 with 3 pets, 1 with 2 pets, and 1 with 1. Most people had 4 pets. So anyway, back to my point, most of us have 4 pets, each pet doesn’t get a lot of attention. However Neopets with only one petpet, their petpet gets a whole lot of attention. If a Neopet’s petpet goes “AHH!!” “POOF!” they’ll be very sad indeed on account of them having no more pet. Now this isn’t to insist that we wouldn’t be sad if our pet’s went AHH!! POOF!, it’s just to make a point that Neopet’s love their Petpets a lot.

My final conclusion is that Petpets are just as special as Neopets, and shouldn’t have any less rights than them and therefore should not be devoured by the giant petpet-eating mutant Chia called Florg.

My final final conclusion says to you, “Don’t feed Florg!” “(Petpets)”

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