Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 192,312,185 Issue: 641 | 18th day of Eating, Y16
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Common Neohome Pests - For Pleasure and Profit

by agallis


The nervous rustling of Albats in the attic, or that unmistakable whiff of Miamouse in the pantry... For many Neohome owners, these are causes of distress, annoyance, or even (most terribly) expenditure. Neohome pest removalists are a ruthless bunch, as is well known. They charge exorbitantly, offer no guarantees, and their methods often leave the Home itself, as well as its less desirable inhabitants, in tatters.

(Corbin and Kell, it's true, will sometimes help out in unusual cases. More regularly, however, requests for assistance will be met with an air of cool evaluating cynicism, an understated toss of that fabulous hair, and the cutting rejoinder: "...? :/ -.- .")

I am here to share with you, however, some tips for converting these uninvited guests into amusement. And, of course, NP.


A first glance and your instinctive reaction may be one of fear and revulsion. But don't panic! Many Neohomers have reported that these sentient (if naive and quite unsophisticated) fungi can with a little effort be persuaded to stop digesting your furniture, and taught instead perform basic Neohousehold tasks - garbage disposal, for instance, or cleaning *cough*devouring*cough* the slightly less sentient slime from your Neo-shower floor.

Or, if you find their company not to your liking, they can be scooped up (CHECK your protective equipment!) and sold to Exotic food suppliers, or any one of Neopia's famous fabulous Gourmet chefs.*

*Disclaimer: The Neopian Times accepts no responsibility for unpredicted outcomes of such transactions. We do advise you avoid making them whilst your own Pets or Petpets are present. Gourmet chefs in particular can be curiously... undiscriminating in their procuring of rare ingredients... *welp*


Albats are secretive nocturnal creatures. They like to steal and hoard shiny things (this is why you so often find such interesting things in Neopia's attics) and they are very, very timid, making them hard to catch or control.

At night, however, they roam far. A thorough investigation of your Albat-infested attic will often reveal many more interesting and valuable treasures than you knew you possessed. *cough* Forgotten old family heirlooms, undoubtedly.


Seece are the true aristocrats of the Petpet kingdom: greedy and prodigiously lazy, they have amassed over the centuries a culture devoted entirely to its own appetites and expansion.

You will not remove them if they do not wish it. Jhudora in all her might would not dream of attempting to relocate a Seece against its will.

My advice: do your best to please and placate them. It will likely be worth your while. These sly creatures, feasting in the cracks and crannies of great Neohomes all the way from Neovia to Virtupets and beyond, know all manner of secret and lucrative things...

Better to sweetly persuade, anyway, than annoy, and find your Neohome as well as its stock of lovely yummies gobbled up in their pestilent petulance.


Bloops! They are charming. And cultivated: their presence is a boon in particular to writers, as not only is their company stimulating but also they double as inkwells. Many very illustrious Neopians swear by their household Bloops, and would not do without them.

The Invisible Bloop (not widely known in mainstream Neopia) is highly prized by Secret Agents and Informants, and of course the ubiquitous spies of Sloth – by all those glamorous intrepid people, in fact, who require secrecy as they formulate and circulate their ever-more-dastardly plots and ciphers...

We shall say no more.


Buzzers do have a nasty tendency to make nests in unused chimneys. This can be very painful to the Neohouse-proud Neopian. If you can learn not to annoy them, however, their honey sells for a high place in the Marketplace.

It's also very healthy, and an underrated (if sticky) beauty aide.


*cough* Yes, it's a well-known fact that Cobralls often hunt prey by hanging unobtrusively from the branches of Neogarden trees, fooling unsuspecting Petpets into thinking them a harmless vine or fascinatingly dangly new toy.

Once you have mastered the art of catching Cobralls, they can be taught many charming and fascinating tricks, with which you may beguile travelers by the wayside, not to mention your own Pets and Neofriends. Cobralls are capable, for example, of hypnosis – a skill with endless practical applications. Furthermore, entertained passersby will sometimes throw NP. (Occasionally quite hard: cultivate your reflexes.)

In short the Cobrall is a sadly underrated Petpet species. Their fangs are highly, highly venomous it is true; but, providing the initial bite does not kill you – and the Healing Springs Faerie is getting really quite good at treating it! – an immunity will build up over time.


One word, fellow Neopians: Delicious.


These clever Petpets sometimes disguise themselves as elegant paperweights. You may not notice you have one; but when your back is turned they get up to all sorts of mischief. They'll scatter your papers, eat your important files, and hide those treats that are so necessary a sustenance to you whilst you slave away, polishing that ground-breaking Neopian Times article, or studying for that Imperial Exam.

However, if you can catch them and keep them quite immobile, they will fetch you a high price. You'd be surprised how many Neopian tourists are ready – even eager! - to spend their hard-earned NP on these pesky critters, believing them to be precious Artefacts of the Lost Desert.

Can you blame them? They are beautiful, beautiful, deceitful creatures.


This writer has it on good authority that, somewhat surprisingly perhaps, Neopians will queue for miles for the privilege of sending their pampered Petpets on short, all-expense-paid trips down Symol-holes.

All you have to do is erect a basic sign and a discreet labour-saving system for taking in fees.

A few last words of parting advice: when the wall-creatures have ears it is often well worth flattering them – Miamice in particular have very nice ears, don't say you hadn't noticed – and, of course, when life gives you Lyins, make novelty T-shirts.

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