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A Shopper's Guide to Malevolent Merriment


by parody_ham

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An odd logo blazes across the Neovision screen. It is in red and green festive font and says, "Evil Kougra Insidious Shopping Channel." There's a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the word "Insidious," and a picture of a verdant evergreen tree is seen in the background. Ornaments shaped like shrunken heads dangle from its branches. The Logo disappears, a jingle plays, and a tall, festively dressed Darigan Kougra appears on screen. She opens her mouth to speak. All of her teeth have been dyed red and green.

Buying gifts for your beloved minions can be a back-breaking job. First it was rubber bands, then key chains, and now they ask for T-shirts! Oh, I know how you feel, fellow evil-doers. This sort of injustice cannot go on. With all things considered, are you looking for the perfect gifts this holiday season that will not break your bank of evil? You've come to the right place. Shop-'Till-You-Drop is the only store in Neopia conveniently located within a haunted catacom—I mean, completely safe warehouses—where boxes of items stretch on for miles. Our company promise is that you will find all of your holiday needs here or die trying. But don't worry, we were just kidding about the dying part. Sort of.

Off screen, an explosion is heard. It is followed by a shrill scream.

He's just filled with so much holiday spirit! In this exciting holiday gift guide, we will explore the best in evil gifts this holiday season and all of the best ways to use them. And don't worry, we promise each and every item comes with a forty-five second money back guarantee. With service like that, you know you're getting top of the line evil.

Let's start off simple. Imagine your minion frolicking in the laboratory. They are gingerly picking up vats of corrosive Slothite when suddenly, disaster strikes! A precariously placed Zeenana Peel lay on the ground, just waiting for a helpless victim to happen upon its slippery surface. Unfortunately, it appears that minion #1209 is today's lucky winner. They fly into the air gracefully flailing their paws as the liquid splashes their face. Oh, what an unfortunate and completely unplanned shock. No need to worry, though. Unless you're far more maniacal that we, the vat likely held a mixture of cement and cake batter instead. Perhaps, if you were feeling particularly kind, it may have been full of stagnant water. Either way, nothing says holiday spirit like watching sources of cheap sources of entertainment, am I right?

Oh wait. You actually came here to shop for your minions? We thought you were kidding. Ehem. Of course, we were just pulling your leg. Yeah... let's go with that. So, without further ado, let us introduce our shop's manager, Grr!

The Kougra leaps off screen. Sounds of crinkling paper and Neopians shouting in a frenzied scramble can be heard in the background. She reappears on screen wearing a black and purple mask with red eye slits and the words, "Evil Manager," engraved in festive colors.

Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to gift-giving: minion style. Unlike my cohorts here, I value the service of minions. How else would I get all of my chores done? To bring in some holiday spirit, I have five beautifully sinister items here that are just perfect for any evil minion just looking for a little holiday goodness—or badness. Whatever you prefer, I suppose.

Let's start off with the obligatory chocolate chip cookie. And before you say anything, I know what you are thinking! Perhaps you are correct in assuming that cookies are a gift given far too often to evildoers, but stop and think. Cookies the most cost-effective gift around and they are proven to maximize minion happiness levels. Trust me and my otherwise messy neohom—I mean, evil laboratory—happy minions are an absolute must! According to a recent survey, hyperactive, cookie fed minions can carry out their work two to three times faster than the leading minions found in other lairs.

If you are interested in purchasing the cookie batter, tools, and, for added fun, the Spyder crunch sprinkles, follow the mustache-twirling associate in front of me. If this is not what you had in mind, feel free to follow me to more evil shopping fun.

The camera pans to a cloaked figure with long, pointed claws. He cackles maniacally as Grr continues to speak with bubbly enthusiasm.

Another option that will suit the needs of any minion is the ever popular Obelisk of Doom. This piece of modern artwork will darken the abode of any lair. Really, most modern art does. If displaying this obelisk does not suit your creative needs, it can also double as a door stop. A really, really, evil door stop. Nothing says "I'm malevolent!" like giving away an evil totem of doom! Interested in this fine item? Follow the dark, winding hallway on your left and you should find it in approximately half a day or so.

A dark, foreboding hallway is focused on for a few seconds. There are spiked walls with mistletoes hanging off of them. Blood red eyes glare at the camera from afar.

Have your minions been badgering you for a Petpet and you've almost decided to consider it? Well, think no more. The perfect solution to your problem is the Darigan Angelpuss Action Figure (also known as My Little Scruffles). And look! It even has couch munching action! To activate this curious little mechanical toy, you must be wearing purple and banana yellow socks. No one asks why, but apparently it has to do with trade secrets and a fictitious world of jelly. You can purchase this item today for only twenty-five thousand Neopoints—yes, I know it's rather expensive, but it's much cheaper than the real thing. As an added bonus, locating this item is a cinch. Just go up fifty-thousands flights of stairs and it will be on your left. You can't miss it, we promise.

The camera pans to large staircase. A Kiko wearing a "Shop-'Til-You-Drop" T-shirt is bouncing up the stairs at a relatively quick pace. He nears the top when the stairs go flat and the floor opens up into a dark pit. The Kiko rolls down the slope and within an instant, the camera cuts away to the "Evil Manager" once more.

He's fine. Anyway, as a Darigan fashionista, I know that some of your minions will be dying for some flair. Of course, flair is very expensive, so I recommend the next best thing: fashion substitutes. One of my personal favorites is something we in the fashion business like to call "Cheap Air Rings." With sparkling plastic that will surely bring a smile to your minion's face, these fun, funky, and functional rings are the best in Battledome (or as well call it, "baddledome") fashion. These rings are not only inexpensive, but they are also easy to locate in our store. Walk fifty paces forward, thirty-nine paces back and turn to your right. There, you will find a safe. There are numbers all over the wall, and only one combination works. Once you open the safe there's a Kadoatie inside and he'll tell where it is. They are bound to be there—probably, anyway.

A few feet away, a pink Kadoatie hisses at the camera. Grr jumps back, but continues to grin.

Out last recommendation comes in the form of a Dark Dagger. This product is light, easy to use, and best of all, quite deadly. As you are undoubtedly aware, a ruler without useful minions is like a cook without pots and pans. It simply does not work. So when the "good guys" come knocking at your door looking for a fight this holiday season, just use your endless army of minions and their wonderful new toys to take them out. This product even comes with free fighting lessons. And this just in! The fine Neopians at the Punch Bowl Club have teamed up with Shop-'Till-You-Drop for a limited time. But just remember this: the first rule in the Punch Bowl Club is not to talk about the Punch Bowl Club. Once you overcome that and fighting off legions of mutated Psimice in our store room—I mean, talking to our friendly sales associates—we assure you that this item will be a cut above the competition.

Well, there you have it, evil doers. Shop-'Till-You-Drop is the premiere outlet for all things remotely sinister. Looking for more help? Visit our customer assistance desk on the one-hundredth floor.

The camera pans to a small desk and the dot of an employee hopping up and down in the distance.

Thank you all for your continued patronage and we hope have a wonderful holiday season!

A message appears on screen as the "Manager" waves to the camera. It reads, "No minions were harmed in the making of this commercial."

Author's note: Why purple and banana yellow socks, you ask? Peter the Petpet Rights Hero will gladly tell you: http://www.neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=506395&week=476.

 
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