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The Gross Food Movement


by hufflepuff

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Also by flufflepuff

Greetings, everybody! The great dynamic duo known as Hufflepuff and Flufflepuff is here, and this time we are exploring the outreaches of Neopia to find the grossest foods imaginable. The sheer number of food items in Neopia is staggering and you are surely familiar with many of the... grosser varieties. As your culinary experts, we will guide you through Neopia to seek out and taste test the grossest foods we can find. You have probably encountered many of these foods on your own, and if you are daring enough, may have even tried them. Whether you're a food connoisseur who appreciates the finer things in life, or just someone who loves to wince at the revolting, you cannot look away from this article. Read on, adventurous ones, and remember to leave your hunger at the door. Let us begin our survey of the best of the grossest foods. Starting with....

8. Bowl of Yuck

Ah, the staple of any gross food diet. Any food that exists beyond its expiration date, falls on the floor for greater than five seconds, or has hairs in it, magically turns into a Bowl of Yuck. Now, they say you shouldn't judge the quality of food based on its appearance. The exception to this rule is the Bowl of Yuck, which is perfectly described by both its name AND appearance. Maybe you'll get lucky and Dr. Sloth will visit your inventory and turn it into a Pile of Sludge before you get a chance to eat it. That would actually be an improvement in flavor.

7. Scab Cake

Here's a classic cake not suitable for even your worst enemy. "Happy birthday, Dr. Sloth! I baked you a cake," you might say. "Enjoy this nice SCAB. I peeled it fresh this morning!" I can't imagine anyone actually enjoying this food item, save for perhaps a zombie pet. So if you've skinned your elbow playing Fetch in the Haunted Woods, you'd better leave quickly. I hear all those zombie pets will follow you around, moaning, waiting to feast on your developing scabs. It's quite a tasty treat for them.

6. Salmon Mousse Tea

Start by reading the ingredients list. It's a combination of cream cheese, celery, green pepper, and delicious salmon... mixed into a beverage that is absolutely revolting. In this particular case, your pet's stomach will hurt so bad she might mistake the salmon for salmonella poisoning. The aroma alone caused by brewing this tea will probably induce your pet to a Sneezles fit, so be sure you're near the Healing Springs if you're daring enough to give this a try. This might not be your cup of tea, or anybody's cup of tea, for that matter.

5. Pack of Snot-Flavoured Gum

Neoschool got you down? Can't find a job at the Faerieland Employment Agency? Looking for something sweet and sugary to energize you during those afternoon lulls? You better keep looking. Perhaps inspired by blowing snot bubbles, this gross food was invented by Meuka himself. Packed with literally zero nutritional value, this gum belongs in the trash bin with the rest of Meuka's creations. We do SNOT recommend trying this disgusting flavor. On the plus side, it's a net-zero calorie treat, because you'll most likely end up regurgitating it later on. Keep a trash bin nearby.

4. Toe Nail Soup

This might be a staple ingredient for Edna the Witch, but to everyone who isn't a crazy old Zafara who lives in a tower, hoarding strange objects that nobody should ever collect, (let alone consume), please leave the toenails where they belong... on your toes. In fact, everyone should just avoid Edna's creations altogether. According to the description, the soup has a strangely unique cheese flavor. We can't help but to ponder why. Toe jam, anyone?

3. Onion Cola

Are you the type of person who enjoys crying? Do you like having bad breath for hours? Do you hate drinks that taste good? Then you will love Onion Cola, the new substitute for that sugary Neocola. It's made from fresh vegetables so at least it's somewhat healthy. You should avoid this before your big interview at the Faerieland Employment Agency if you want to make a good impression. It's probably for the best if you avoid this altogether while you can still save your social relationships. Let's please, please move on.

2. Earwax Chia

While technically not a food, this item is just so gross that it deserves high mention. It is a Chia statue literally constructed from a heaping pile of earwax. Who designed this statue, where did they acquire all that earwax, and most importantly, WHY? Since this item was brought to the shores of Neopia from the Smuggler's Cove, the world may never know the answer to these important questions, and the origins of this spectacularly gross item will forever remain a mystery. We're hoping that it stays a mystery. What we do know, however, is that someone out there is in desperate need of a cotton swab.

1. Fish Flavour Ice Cream

It's only natural to finish with dessert. Everyone loves ice cream, right? Wrong! Some diabolical mastermind discovered a brilliant way to ruin ice cream for everyone by introducing fish flavoring. This might put you off of ice cream forever, eternally scarring you from enjoying a once delicious dessert. So if you've never screamed for ice cream before, you will certainly be screaming now, as you run away to seek asylum from this disgusting flavor.

This concludes our adventure through the edible garbage can of Neopia's gross foods. Hopefully you enjoyed this article more than your stomach did! On a final note, always remember to stay respectful of others when trying new dishes for the first time. Zombie Neopets might not appreciate seeing you spit out a delectable Brain Burger, and I'm pretty sure Grundos won't like you for refusing some of their Grundo Toe Lint. So the next time they serve that Stick-O-Mynci or Spicy Meowclops Whiskers (don't forget the classic Snorkle Snout!), you may want to plan ahead by bringing your own dishes. Now if you'll excuse us, we have an appointment at the Neohospital to get our stomachs pumped.

 
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