Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 191,224,933 Issue: 600 | 21st day of Relaxing, Y15
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Dodgy Dinners


by carrotopian

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I am a little concerned. Some of my Neopets (the usual gang of troublemakers) are up to something distasteful and I can hardly bear to face the truth of it. They are performing sinister acts involving innocent Edible Petpets! Not the cute, chocolaty chaps that the Petpet Lab Ray serves up from time to time though. Oh no, these are regular Petpets (and in some cases, their Petpetpets as well) that are simply being served up – as meals. That is right – meals! How do I know? I found this choice example of reading material under one of their beds: Cooking With Petpets {Delicious alternative meals for Skeiths who will eat just about anything.} Hang on to your Hasees people; something dark and almost unspeakable is about to be revealed.

Now you might think that the term "Edible" is innocent enough. After all, that is the common collective name for any food-coloured Petpets – right? Wrong! Unfortunately, there is a difference:

1. "Edible" Petpets – so called because they appear to be made out of appetizing Jelly, Mallow, Chocolate or Custard. However – they are not usually eaten (unless there is an unfortunate accident with a Skeith).

2. Edible Petpets – poor little mites that end up in in the fridge in a dank kitchen somewhere, waiting to be sliced, cubed, skewered, diced, tenderized and generally processed before entering the Neopian food chain.

I know – it is an outrage and I am sure that many of you simply could not perceive that this perverse practice takes place so, let us take a peek at the proof - if only to adjourn from my aggravating alliteration; I wax wordy when I am worried.

Behold then, some of the "delicacies" available over at Spooky Food {with official Neopets' descriptions curly brackets – any typos, I mean creative spellings, are TNT's :P}.

  • Baked Intesteen {Now that is just nasty!} Yes, it is absolutely nasty – that is a cooked Petpet. C.O.O.K.E.D!
  • Intesteen Casserole {Oh, well, everything tastes great when its smothered in cheese!} You see? Even TNT harbours an alarmingly cavalier attitude to this practice!

Imagine the shocking scenario when your adorable little 'randomnumberunderscore' (who has longed for a Chocolate Intesteen Petpet to call their very own) bounces eagerly around you ankles on your return from the store, impatient to play with their new best buddy but instead, through a catalogue of misadventures and errors, are presented with a Baked Intesteen.

I have three words for you:

SCARRED

FOR

LIFE

Speaking of long-term traumata, let me enlighten you regarding the plight of the Drooliks! Here is a choice item – again from Spooky Food: Bottled Droolik Drool {Researches are still looking into any beneficial use for this. None has been found so far.}

Then stop making it! Honestly! What is the point?

Do you imagine, ladies and gentlemen, that the dear little Drooliks were consensual to the collection of their slobber? I very much doubt it; especially when you take a look at what possibly happens to them, once their slavering days are over and their usefulness has literally dried up: Droolik Surprise {Your reaction to it is the surprise part.} I rather think it might be the Drooliks who got the surprise there – don't you?

As much as I pander to my Neopets' demands for Gourmet Food, I am not entirely unaware that certain titbits that fall under that category are most certainly ex-Petpets. Take Lizarkagna, for example. It is a r90, Gourmet Food that looks innocent enough, until you read the description! {It looks like a Lizark, but is it made of one? Taste it and find out!} Not even Petpetpets are safe from these despicable practices: Orange Lightmite Lollypop {This orange lollypop comes complete with a Lightmite in it!} There was absolutely NO attempt to candy-coat the truth here, was there? Just the unlucky Petpetpet, it appears.

Then there are the avatar hunters (although I confess, I am equally guilty of this too) who think nothing of paying a fortune for a severed extremity without really thinking about where it came from in the first place (like somebody's face!) Yes, I am talking about the fiercely coveted Snorkle Snout {Oink!} Poor Snorkle. That was the very last oink his little snout would make; I would wager he coveted his schnozzle more than whoever was willing to pay the highest price for it!

It does not stop at Spooky Food, though. Oh no! Even those pesky Alien Aishas have got in on the act and what with the current Nerkmid economy spiralling out of control I am concerned that demand for ex-Petpet delicacies is again going to out-strip supply!

Just look at this! Bluna Burger {Eurgh, they cant seriously expect you to eat a Petpet can they!} Yes. The answer is: yes, they can! I can see them now, packing those burgers into that vending machine and snickering to each other about the Paint Brush / Gross Food ratio. It might be fast food but, it is no happy meal (at least, not for everyone – particularly the main ingredient).

I suppose one might expect this type of blasé disregard for another species from its alien counterpart but I ask you this: what about the atrocious shenanigans closer to home? I know that there are sections of Neopian society that consider themselves to be more sophisticated than those tunic-touting Meridellians but, even they are not entirely unrefined. Nevertheless, they are not doing their reputations too many favours while they continue to roll out (literally, in many cases) Alkenore Cheese {No Alkenores were harmed in the making of this cheese... really.}

Oh really? None eh? I have a feeling that there might have been a couple or more Petpet casualties there! What comes next? Angelpi Pie? Candychan Canes? To be honest - even certain "plushies" are beginning to arouse my suspicions; some of them are a little too realistic for my taste.

Take a look at how convincing this "plushie" is: Good Night Babaa Plushie {Time to count Babaas!} Yes, go count your Babaas. Missing one? I will bet you anything it has been 'recycled' into a plushie.

The disturbing truth here is that I seriously believe that some of my Neopets are involved in this covert carnage – involved right up to their greasy, little elbows. Sneaking out at night, coming home smelling of Kadnip, strange odours wafting from under closed doors, muffled thuds; all with a great deal of whispering, shuffling and lately, a marked reluctance towards eating many of the delicious foods I have offered them.

As much as it is well known that Neopets themselves can end up as an ingredient in many famed Neopian recipes, all said and done, it is the Petpets that I feel the most sorry for and to say I was concerned about my own Neopets' involvement here would be an understatement; I will be watching them very closely – they might also want to watch themselves if they do not want to follow in some of their victims' footsteps.

*Hammers "Just Say No To Gobbler" sign into lawn*

 
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