Advisor Broo's Scheme of War
"I am King Roo, welcome," Said the blue king to one of his loyal subjects, a young Kiko. "The current Dice-A-Roo jackpot is 14,553 NP. Let's play!"
Lurking from the shadows, his royal advisor, Advisor Broo, was glaring at his king. Once more he'd ask a question he's been asking constantly, hoping that, this time, the king's answer will be different.
But the king didn't notice his advisor. He was just happily bouncing all over the place. Years of this silly game of luck, and the excitement never wore off.
The Kiko was tossing away, causing his neopoints pot to grow and shrink. He advanced to the second dice, and as he did the advisor worked himself up to talk to the king.
"My King," he said, "I'd like to again suggest th-"
"After this game," the King said to his royal advisor.
"Yes, of course," Broo said, slinking back the shadows.
The Kiko threw the dice a few more times, eventually getting a game over. Tears began to form in his eyes, but one of the King's royal aids handed the Kiko a Negg he had won, causing the little Neopet to squeal happily while hugging his prize.
Smiling, King Roo shouted, "Dice-a-Roo will take a short break! Brb!"
He bounced to the back of this giant room, heading inside a giant door.
"Bounce, bounce, bounce," he was happily saying. "Bounce, bounce, bounce. Oh, Hi-ya to my favorite advisor!" he joyfully said once he saw Broo, continuing to bounce during the conversation.
"My majesty," the Advisor Broo urgently said, "the war for this mysterious obelisk continues on, and I continue to insist that-"
King Roo, smiling back, patiently said, "I've said this to you once a day for the past week, Broo. We're a land of fun and games, not a land of war-ing!"
"The obelisk, majesty!" he responded. "Imagine how much better this land, YOUR land would be with its might!"
"Who needs might when you have games?"
Broo rolled his eyes, and then said, "We can GET games with its power! More games! Plenty more games!"
King Roo held his head in a thinking position for a few seconds, and then said, "Nope!"
Broo was flabbergasted. "My king, it's usually easier to manipulate you-"
"Manipulate me?" the king asked.
"I said convince you, where did you get manipulate from?" Broo responded.
"Well, I guess I need another royal ear check. Continue!"
"I just don't understand," Broo said. "You'll do anything I suggest you to do unless it's involving a war! Why suddenly get smar-... get worried?"
King Roo stopped bouncing for a minute, then, with a serious tone, said, "War, huh? Well, sure, we MIGHT get something out of it, but I think all the Neopets of Neopia get something more out of a place that's always dedicated fun and games. And besides," he continued, bouncing again, "there's six other sides, right? Luck says that's a 1 in 7 chance, and considering all the cost we'll put into it, I don't like those low odds! Now, if it was only 5 NP, I think I'd do it."
"But your majesty," Broo protested. "You don't think we should take advantage of this even a little?"
"Oh, but we ARE, my dear advisor. Watch," Roo said, then started shouting. "ROYAL GUARD, ANY ROYAL GUARD WILL DO!"
Thirty seconds later, a Blumaroo ran to King Roo's side and saluted.
"King," he respectfully said. "What do you need?"
"I've heard that half the army is taking a sick day today," the king said. "Is that true?"
"Yes, sir, exactly half," the guard said. "Don't worry, though, the two of us remaining will keep us safe!"
"So, there's no cause for alarm?" the king asked.
"No, sir! With all the war folk fighting for the obelisk, there's no chance of us needing to defend against anything major!"
"Thank you, great warrior. Now, go back to your important work!" the King said. As the defender left, the king, talking again to Broo, said, "See? If it wasn't for the obelisk, I'd have to do something about this! I don't have to, though. Hurray for the obelisk!"
The advisor, who was face-palming himself during this, stood to attention, saying, "Well, if you put it that way, I guess I'm worried for nothing. You know what you're doing, king."
"Why, thank you kindly, honorary smart guy!"
"I'm sorry for having wasted your time. It's late in the evening, so if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nightly six hour midnight snack."
"Well, don't let me stop you! I hope you have a fun meal!" the king exclaimed, bouncing back to the main Dice-A-Roo room.
Scowling, Advisor Broo left the main castle, angrily grumbling to himself about his fool of a ruler. He normally possessed the illusion of a decent Neopet, but the king not seeing things his way caused him to push over two Neopets, stomp on a nice bush of flowers, and even reject to say hi to an unusually cheery Count von Roo who was taking a nice midnight stroll himself ("Yeah, I suppose I can't blame you," Count von Roo surprisingly replied). This anger was released, though, when he was walking next to the games building, filled to the brim with many Neopets that tour Roo Island just to play a few games.
"My king is such a fool," he thought to himself, "but so is the rest of Neopia. I guess I shouldn't be too amazed that his fun and games approach to this island would be so successful."
Broo found himself at the docks, and, boarding a ship, he went to the only place you'd expect a traitorous mastermind to go to after the obelisk disagreement with the king; He took a nice little boat to Kiko Lake, relaxed and enjoyed the cute little buggers while snacking on a few Kiko Lake snacks, without a care or wonder in the world.
If you actually believed that previous sentence, you need to check your pet ASAP. He or she has been replaced with a giant floating letters spelling "GULLIBLE". I'd get it checked out, it sounds like Neoflu gone horribly wrong.
He ACTUALLY went to Tyrannia, where he spent his six hours at the giant omelette, hogging it all for himse- Oh, you're not falling for this again? Yeah, OK, he went to the obelisk.
More specifically, he went to the outskirts to it, where he could get a clear view of the battle unfolding. His eyes scoped the landscape, looking for members of the Brute Squad. They were the most shorthanded side, and thus they were the highest bidders when it came to the price for re-enforcements. They were willing to share more power with Broo if they were the victors of the war. With the king's support, Broo count have sent an entire Roo army for the obelisk just for himself, but you have to make do with what you have.
Advisor Broo saw some members of the Brute Squad, or at least ones that appeared to be members at first glance. They were dressed like members of Brute Squad, sure, but instead of attacking, say, the Sway or Seekers, they attacked other Brute Squad members.
"...What?" Broo thought to himself. "Falling for such a pathetic ruse? I can't BELIEVE I supported this side! I'll make sure they win even if I need to intervene myself!"
Broo bounced as fast as he could, hoping to save a brute about to be defeated so Broo could be rewarded with eternal gratitude. He encountered a member of the Brute Squad that was, sadly, alone. He bounced over to talk to him, and was greeted by a warm welcome. And by welcome, I mean weapon.
"I'm an ally, fool!" Broo yelled while dodging the fire hammer being swung at him.
"You're a betrayer!" yelled the Back Alley Bruiser, an ugly overgrown Kacheek. "Exactly half of those Roo Island folks are undead working for The Awakened."
"Buffoon! I would never do that! Those Roo Islanders may be easily manipulated, but the ones I sent are loyal folk that would never fight their own kind, even if the kind were undead! I instructed all one-thousand of the Blumaroos I manipula- all of them I convinced to come here to quietly fight for the brutes at all costs!"
"Oh, look," the brute said, "Mr. Royal Man can't count! We got TWO, not just one, thousands of them Roos!"
Broo looked at the brute, face-palmed himself, and said. "You got double the amount of Roos than I thought you got, and exactly half of the Roos have backstabbed you. Ergo...?"
The brute, not wasting any time, screamed, "ERGO YOU'RE UGLY!" as he pounced at Broo again.
Broo tapped on his necklace. He relied on the necklace to protect him when he fought in the battledome, and, like in those countless fights, it emitted a mystical barrier that completely protected himself. Luckily, it froze the brute in his tracks, something his necklace only did when it felt like it.
"Don't defy me, brute," he said. "Luck is on my side."
He took out one of his trusty battledome weapons, his Gnarled Staff. The Brute feebly held up his Fire Axe to try to protect him, but Broo nailed the Brute's head with this staff, bringing him down for good.
As Broo put his Gnarled Staff away, he noticed two young Wocky girls approach him. Broo recognized them on the spot as the leaders of The Awakened.
"You must be lonely," they said. "Your brute friends think you want the cake to yourself."
"I have every intention to share this 'cake' with them," he said, "And those idiot brutes will realize this when I nip the problem in the bud," he yelled while assaulting one of the leaders with his staff. The staff hit her like she was a rock, and she giggled, clearly unharmed.
"I don't like being tickled," she said. "Did you try to tickle that vampire Blumaroo too?"
"Vampire... Count Von Roo!" Broo said, frustrated. "He was the one that sent a legion of vampires with my legion of legit brutes?"
The two Wockies giggled. "He said that he was afraid of the obelisk and its power. As long as we only wanted the cake, he would send help." One of the Wockies went closer to Broo and said, "They say that all of the others want more than the cake. Can you believe it?" she said, continuing to giggle.
"That's why that vampire was so happy." He raged, shaking his fists to the clouds. "He will rue this day!"
The two Wockies giggled again, and said, "He just wanted for us to say thanks for letting his army in, and that next time you should make deals with more sides. He wishes that he was able to slip loyal vampires into more sides."
Broo howled, "THAT FOOL DARES OUTSMART ME!?"
"Telling you this is is the only reason we came out to play with you," the two Wocky girls said. "There's still so much of this party we need to attend, so we'll play with you some other day, okay?"
And with that last sentence, the two walked back into the shadows. Broo didn't follow them. They weren't his problem. His problem was the legion of vampires that the brutes thought he sent. The fear of the brutes getting revenge via an assault to Roo Island after all was said and done, THAT was his problem.
"I tried to improve the army," Broo grumbled while reluctantly heading to where there was more fighting. "'We need to defend ourselves in case we make enemies for some reason,' I said. 'No, four guards are enough, I'm bored so let's use our nation's currency to make a game called Blumaroll', he told me." Broo was so busy with his important griping that he bumped into another Blumaroo.
"Gah! Watch where you step! Do you know who I am, you fool?" Broo asked.
A Rent-a-Brute, who was nearby cowering like a little baby, said, "Y-you're Advisor Broo, right?"
"That is correct!" Broo said, turning to the brute. "Congratulations, you've learned to make yourself seem smart by having dumb company!"
"B-but you can't be. If y-you were, why is that Blumaroo you sent to us about to bounce on you?"
Broo turned around to the other Blumaroo, lifting up his Gnarled Staff with both hands to block incoming vampire claw strike. The vampire hissed in frustration, and Broo smacked the Blumaroo back with his staff. The Rent-a-Brute chucked a throwing axe at the distracted vampire, bringing him down.
The advisor double-checked to make sure the vampire was defeated, and, seeing that he was, told the brute "It is because they're not my allies. Tell your leader that these vampires are as much of a scourge to me as they are to you, and that they will rue the day they turned against the both of us."
The brute, while not trusting Broo, decided that an excuse to retreat to the safety of the vampire-free battle tent couldn't be a bad excuse, so he nodded to Broo and bravely fled to the tent.
The Advisor continued to scout out vampires, making quick work of them with his staff. The brutes he met were not trustful of Broo, and less trustful of the other Blumaroos. Broo came up to a particular brute that smelled a set-up.
"These Blumaroo friends of yours won't hurt these vampires," one smart Brutal Mercenary complained.
"I don't know, I guess these foolish subjects still see the 'friends' and 'family' underneath that vampirism?" Broo replied. "Pity that the vampires don't feel the same about the normal ones. Regardless, if you care to open your eyes for a second, I'm handling as many vampires as I can, and dismissing my worthless, but innocent, subjects to my island, demanding them not to return to this fight."
This brute decided to be trusting (Or, depending how you see things, stupid), so he left, seeing that the spread of this knowledge would be the most helpful to his team. Broo, spying a group of ten vampires huddled in a circle around some friendly, but terrified Blumaroos, took action and bounced right into the middle of it.
"You can't evade my gaze," he said, pulling out his creepiest weapon, the Eye Of Storms. "I see you all!" he said, as the terrifying eye created a small tornado where one vampire was standing, tossing him away. The tornado swiftly moved in a circular pattern, tossing vampires into the distance. The tenth vampire sprung forward, fangs aimed at Broo. Broo smugly looked down, and the fangs dug deep into Broo's magic hat. His magic ATTACKING hat. The fiery assault from the hat painfully burned the vampire off, and Broo finished him off with a few dozens whack of his staff.
Broo laughed and said, "Only a barbarian wears a hat that's not worthy of the battledome!"
The no longer trapped Blumaroos were speechless, looking at their advisor, the last person they'd expect to save them. One managed to get a few words in.
"You..." he stammered. "You... keep a creepy eye in your pocket all the time?"
"Well, sure," Broo replied. "That way, I've always got my EYE on you!"
That pun was so painful that it did 3 icons of physical damage to the Blumaroos.
This slightly awkward moment was interrupted by Flint, the heavily armoured Skeith that served as the Brute Squad leader, angrily stomping towards Broo with a few dozen of his men behind him.
"YOU!" he shouted. "You need to take more care with the warriors you send over!"
"What, the Blumaroos didn't help fight the enemy before the vampires (which weren't MY fault, I might add), turned on you?"
"No, they did," Flint admitted. "And that's the ONLY reason why I'm not playing 'Whack-a-Kass' with you as the Kass doll! I like to think that I'm tough, but fair. You took care of the last of those vampires, and those warriors actually did an impressive job of helping us fend off the enemy before this disaster. I'm not a smarty pants that knows numbers, but I say the help they did just about equals out with the damage they did."
"So," Broo said, "the obelisk-"
The brute leader laughed. "After this nightmare? I offer to leave your home land alone if you can help finish off the last vampire and take your subjects with you. I think that's a pretty generous offer, because the alternative is me sending you to my squad to see if busting you open like a piñata is good enough to give somebody that piñata neoboard avatar!"
"Generous? It wasn't my fault that..." he said, with his words trailing off as the logic hit him. "The last vampire? You fool, you just said I helped finish off those vampires!"
"THOSE vampires," he said, putting an excessive emphasis on the word those. "Those normal run-of-the-mill standard paranormal vampires! There's still that special vampire."
"What are you BLATHERING about?" he asked, and, following the leader's pointing finger, looked behind him. There was a giant object in the distance, but he couldn't believe what he was seeing. This object turned around, and seeing the gathering of Neopets, smiled and bounced towards them. Mid-air, Broo's fears were confirmed; a giant Blumaroo vampire!
They scampered away as the giant vampire landed with a giant SMASH, and the leader, having ran with Broo, angrily said, "You didn't notice this monster before? Oh sure, us brutes are considered stupid while royal advisors like you are considered brilliant. No problem there."
"How in the world..." Broo stammered, staring at this monster. "Fine. I accept your offer."
"Well, good to see we got a brilliant mind like you on our side," the brute leader sarcastically said. "You've got some decent fighting toys at least, so..." Then, turning to the men with him, he shouted, "CHAAAAAARGE!"
As a big group, they all charged towards the giant vampire, screaming screams of battle that attracted this oversized beast's attention. If you looked at this scene from high in the sky, you'd see a big dot with a bunch of slightly shiny dots headed towards it, with another tiny dot (The tired Advisor Broo), trying to keep up.
When that big group of dots rammed with the bigger dot's feet, he emitted a cry that you could hear from your position in the sky, but followed up on this by picking up a few of the tiny dots, and tossing them straight into the walls of the obelisk. While the brutes were trying to figure out a good battle formation, the Advisor Broo dot finally caught up.
"You're a royal pain, you know that?" the leader said. "None of the Blumaroo warriors you sent were as slow as you."
Advisor Broo, having gotten a good idea, said, "I may be slower, but I can bounce higher! Get ready!"
Broo picked up a random brute, bounced as high as he could into the air, and tossed this brute towards the vampire's left arm. The brute, with him battle instincts taking over, screamed and nailed the arm with a sword, causing the vampire to recoil from this massive pain. Not missing a beat, Broo picked up another brute, bounced and tossed that with that brute to assault the other arm, getting similar results.
Both of the vampire's arms were in too much agony to attack, so the giant vampire made up for it by stomping around, preventing the Brute Squad from attacking his vulnerable feet again.
Flint ran to Broo, shouting, "Advisor, it's my turn! With my Mace, he will fall!"
Broo obeyed, taking the leader, bounced up, and tossed him straight to the vampire's stomach. Flint's strength + his mace + weak stomach = vampire straight to the ground. With the giant's arms in so much pain, he couldn't use them to get back up, giving the brutes the prime opportunity to assault this monster with everything they had until this vile vampire was defeated in battle.
With that final obstacle out of the way, all the brutes cheered. The brute leader went over to Broo, and, with a little smile on his face said, "I'm impressed. You did that WITHOUT any of your fancy weapons. Now..." That smile turned into a scowl. "Leave, and never let me see you again. You can stay and help gather up your men, but after that, SCRAM."
"You ungrateful..." Broo started to object, but he realized that, despite the obelisk at stake, he just was too tired to deal with this. "Fine," he said, hunting out the rest of the Roo Island citizens he had originally sent here, and demanded that they return home. Once they were sure that he had gotten them all, he returned to the boat, which in turn brought him back to Roo Island.
Before Broo made it back to the castle, he took a small detour to Count Von Roo's home. Broo couldn't do anything about him; the count and his Deadly Dice were a popular tourist attraction, that ultimately brought in a lot of income for the island via said tourists, but Broo did leave a little note for the count. It read "Ha ha, I beat your guys. Better luck next time. From your best friend, Broo".
Broo, exhausted from that mess in the war, slowly, but finally, made it to the castle, wasting no additional time checking in with the king.
"Well, it's about time you got back," King Roo said. "That 'six-hour' break took eight hours! I was afraid that I'd have to make a major decision without you."
"Oh," Broo stammered, "I'm sorry your majesty, it's just that-"
"Oh, don't worry 'bout it," King Roo said. "I'm sure you were doing something nice, like making sure that we'd stay out of that nasty war we were talking about."
"I, well, yes, actually, sort of," Broo continued stammering. He was used to full on lying. Half-truths weren't his specialty.
"Oh, you're the best!" King Roo said. "Now, since you're here, I was thinking about a new game, but I didn't know how much money it would take to make a building for it..." King Roo began rambling.
"Oh, yes, I see sir," Advisor Broo said, attempting to keep up with his blathering king. He was deep in thought. His plans were foiled, but things ended neutrally for him, and, you know, he was surprisingly fine with it. The most you can ask for an evil failure is for it to not end up with you turning to stone, or with it sending you off into deep space. But as for next time? Well, he considered himself a genius. As far as he figured, there could be no chance of failure next time.