There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 190,649,045 Issue: 581 | 8th day of Awakening, Y15
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Happy Vile Day!

by acantha263


With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, Malkus Vile was on edge to come up with some way to make it vile and unpleasant for every Neopian-

      "I know! I can switch every piece of chocolate in the Valentines Heart Shaped Chocolate Box with dung! That should really make everyone angry and show Neopia just how very vile I am!" he thought horribly. He smirked to himself just thinking about that moment when someone handed over their box of chocolates to their favorite person or pet, who in turn would open it up only to find piles of dung inside. "Mwehehe..."

      "Or better yet, I can replace every valentine related outfit with an Ultra Fashionable Potato Sack! Wouldn't it be hilarious to see the looks on their faces when they go to admire their stylish pets, only to discover them decked out in dirty, used potato sacks?" he thought deviously.

      "Besides, no one should ever be more stylish than me!"

      "Hmm... those mysterious Valentines cards are quite popular around Valentine's day! If I were to buy out every single one and hoard them until after Valentine's Day, people could not send them to each other and every person who has waited so very patiently all year for the Valentine's site theme will just have to wait another year!!"

      All of these ideas were great and most vile ideas, but Malkus wanted some worse, something so vile that everyone would remember for years to come and Valentine's Day may somehow even cease to exist. Malkus paced back and forth, trying to come up with a very vile and horrible idea.

      "Maybe I can talk one of those TNT staffers to put a filter on the word 'Valentine' so that every time some types it, it comes out 'Vile'! What a great idea! Not only would that ruin Valentine's Day for everyone, but people would be saying to each other 'Happy Vile Day' and who knows, Valentine's Day might just become Vile Day after all!!

      The first step he needed to take was to find a TNT staff member and figure out a way to have them place a filter on the word 'Valentine'. Malkus knew that the only way to do this was to bully a staff member into doing what he wanted. But who? Which staff member could he coerce into changing the word? Dragona and PopTart were definitely out. There was no way that either one of them would listen to a word he said. Besides, what could he do? Bribe Dragona with socks? Please!! Malkus was not willing to part with his socks.

      "Mr. Insane, though, hhhhmmm.... He IS a programmer. And I may even have a little dirt on him," Malkus thought aloud. "I'm pretty sure I heard somewhere that he cheated at the Daily Dare Staff Tournament. I'm sure he wouldn't want that leaking out for everyone to know. Even if it isn't true, this could ruin his reputation if everyone thought it was." And if this WERE true and Mr. Insane did cheat, he'd probably do anything to keep this hush hush, thought Malkus. He even had to admire him a bit if he cheated. That is exactly what Malkus would do also.

      Finding Mr. Insane was easy. Talking him into changing the filters was even easier. Mr. Insane professed that he in fact did not cheat, but Malkus wasn't buying it. Malkus made it very clear that this kind of rumor would ruin everyone's vision of how awesome everyone thought Mr. Insane was. Did Mr. Insane want people to start calling him 'Mr. Cheat'? Mr. Insane did not like the idea of everyone calling him 'Mr. Cheat' and eventually bent to Malkus's vile scheme.

      "Here's what I can do," offered Mr. Insane. "On Valentine's Day, if you come in early, I will have the back door unlocked to my office and you can come in and change the filter yourself. That way I can't be completely blamed for such a vile deed!" That worked for Malkus. He was used to sneaking into offices and homes anyway. He even suggested to Mr. Insane that he leave the back door locked. Malkus always loved a challenge!

      Malkus left feeling very pleased with himself. Soon, Valentine's Day would be no more and instead would become Vile Day! Just think of all those wasted Valentine items that Neopians cherish; soon they will be worthless! Now they will have to start making vile items for my very Vile Day, he thought. Vile cards and vile candy, vile poems to each other reminding themselves how vile of a day it can be! And everyone will celebrate me for the day! He could just imagine his wonderfully vile smile on every vile item that people passed around.

      Happy Vile Day indeed!

      Malkus waited as patiently as he could for Valentine's Day to come. As the days ticked by, Malkus's imagination suddenly took off with a vengeance!

      Instead of colors like pink and red, everything would be gray and brown. Maybe even throw in a bit of green. Malkus certainly liked green better than any of the original colors for Valentine's Day. Hey, maybe this was just a starting point. First, Valentine's Day would be no more. Instead we would have Vile Day. Maybe next would come Vilepets. Yeah, just think, instead of Neopets we could have Vilepets! What an insanely hideous and wonderful idea! Think of all the things that would change! The Wheel of Excitement would become the Wheel of Vile! It would cost 50,000 NP to spin and each square would give a pet a disease. And People thought they had it bad spending 100,000 NP to spin the wheel of extravagance. Just wait till the next time they come to spin the wheel and find that it now cost 1,000,000 NP! Many people wouldn't even try for the avatar anymore! And about all the different boards. Malkus would get rid of every single one of them (except maybe the Evil things and monster sightings board, he had always enjoyed that one). Instead we would have the Vile board! One board for everyone to complain how vile things had become since Malkus took over. Malkus thought this all sounded so wonderfully vile!!

      One morning Malkus awoke early and thought to himself, "It's Valentine's Day! Or should I say Vile Day. Mwhehe..." Malkus went to the door that Mr. Insane had told him to go through. It was locked. "Hehehee..." thought Malkus. "Thought you'd test me and see if I could get in, heh?" In no time, Malkus had the back door unlocked and was at Mr. Insane's computer. Figuring out how to change the filters was simple. Soon, every time someone typed Valentine, it would come up as Vile. This was a wonderfully vile start to a very soon to be vile day!

      Malkus left humming to himself, something he almost never did considering it being so non-vile. He just couldn't help himself! He was so happy that soon he would be taking over Neopets. This was just the beginning!

      With bated breath, Malkus went to Neopets hoping to relish his name all over. The front page, the boards, he never thought he would ever become this famous!! But for some reason, there was not a single vile word on the boards. Nothing vile at all about today!! In fact, not only was there no vileness, there was no valentineness either!!! Malkus fumed as he pored though all of Neopia, searching for his vile scheme to display itself somewhere. –Nothing.

      Malkus was up and pacing the floor. How could this happen!! Glancing over towards the kitchen, his stomach dropped. Beside the fridge was a calendar. And on that calendar, the date was marked as February 15th... February 15th! No wonder no one knew his vile scheme!! Malkus was sad (or at least, not very horrendously happy). How could this happen!?! The more he thought about it though, the more it didn't seem so bad. I mean, there is always NEXT Valentine's... oops... Vile Day!

The End

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