Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 190,777,808 Issue: 583 | 22nd day of Awakening, Y15
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Fitness Flakes (tm!)


by jocelyn_joy

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*Cue music. A Grarrl and a Grundo, both dressed in workout gear and sweatbands are lifting weights, deep in conversation. The Grarrl looks over.

"Hi there, I didn't see you at first. I'm Grarrl Johnson."

"And I'm Grundo McCloud!"

"We're interrupting your regular programming to give you a few user-friendly fitness tips in our latest installment of '(don't be a) Fitness Flake(tm)!'"

"Sit back, relax, and your days of being a regular Fitness Flake (tm) will soon be over!"

Grocery Shopping: You're Probably Just Doing it Wrong!

"You know what I found was the easiest step to getting fit and having fun?"

"What's that, Grarrl?"

"Having a limited supply of super healthy snack foods at the ready. That's right you Fitness Flakes (tm), you are what you eat, and from what I can tell, most of Neopia isn't eating very well at all!"

"You're right, Grarrl. Just this morning I had a diet neocola and a bowl of coco neocrunch for breakfast. I can't help it, it's just my favourite breakfast! What can I do?"

"Well, McCloud, that's an easy fix! You're able to eat a bowl of sugar and a can of... what do they put in diet neocola anyway?"

"Beats me."

"Okay, a can of something non-nutritional, to say the least, because you have them in your cupboard."

"Wow, Grarrl, you're right. I do have those things in my cupboard."

"You, and the rest of Neopia. Lucky for all of you, this one's an easy fix. Now, on my last visit to Neopian Fresh Foods, I took stock of my options. Do you know what my options were, McCloud?"

"No, what?"

"Borovan Ice Cream. Fancy Waffles. Peanut Crunch Cereal. Flotsam Flakes."

"Sounds delicious, Grarrl!"

"If you're a Fitness Flake (tm)! No, McCloud, it sounds disgusting. Sickening, even. All of those foods are unhealthy. I don't even know what Flotsam Flakes are!"

"Right! Disgusting! So, how do we fix it?"

"Simple! Saunter on over to Neopian Health Foods instead, and pick up some chunky cauliflower soup, cooling courgette slices, or tropical trail mix. Stock your cupboard with a limited supply of these. My motto? If you don't have it, you can't eat it!"

"Genius, Grarrl. Just genius. And, don't forget about the health benefits of taking a good, long walk a few times...."

"McCloud, you're boring everyone! Moving on!"

Exercise: Looking Good means Feeling Good means Looking Good means... You get the Picture.

"Wow, McCloud. Hold on, we're nowhere near done here! Can you guess what the next cornerstone to healthy living might be?"

"Staying active, Grarrl?"

"You got it, McCloud! And what's the key to staying active?"

"Oooh, just like I was trying to say earlier, and like we went over in training: the key to staying active is making small changes in your daily life. Try waking or biking to neoschool instead of taking the bus, or join a team..."

"Not even close, McCloud!"

"Erm, excuse me?"

"Nope. Wrong. The key to staying active is in this pattern: looking good means feeling good means looking good."

"Come again?"

"You heard me, but I'll explain in a bit more detail. What am I wearing, McCloud?"

"Um... workout clothes, sir."

"Not just any workout clothes; fashionable workout clothes. See this Abigail Sweatband?"

"Yes...."

"It cost me almost one thousand neopoints!"

"But, Grarrl. You can buy that same sweatband for just over two hundred..."

"And this T-shirt, what kind of T-shirt am I wearing?"

"You are wearing a Faerie-Caves T-shirt, Grarrl."

"Right. And it cost me close to ten K! Isn't that nuts?"

"It's very pricy for a T-shirt, sir."

"It is, but it's worth it, McCloud. You know why? Because it makes me look good. You with me so far?"

"I.... I think so."

"See, because that's the first part of the pattern, McCloud. These expensive clothes make me look good. Really good. Which makes me feel good. Still following?"

"But...."

"Excellent! Do you know what happens when I feel good, McCloud?"

"No sir. I have absolutely no idea."

"I jump, McCloud. I jump for joy. I think to myself, man, does this Grarrl ever look good, and then, in a rush of feeling good I jump all over the place. Do you know what jumping is, McCloud? Exercise."

"You didn't even give me a chance to..."

"Never mind that McCloud, I need you to focus. Alright? Just focus. So, I've been jumping for joy a lot lately, fashionable as I am, and I've noticed some improvements. Look at my arms, McCloud. Are you looking?"

"I'm looking."

"What do you see?"

"They're short, sir."

"Focus, McCloud! They're muscular."

"That they are, sir."

"Do you know how they got that way, McCloud?"

"Um..."

"Jumping. All of my jumping for joy has made my arms so muscular that I've had to buy all new T-shirts. Fashionable T-shirts. So you see, folks, looking good means feeling good means looking good. It's a fact!"

"Sir, that doesn't make any sense."

"Never mind McCloud, we've got one last part of this installment of Fitness Flakes (tm)."

Get Rich or Stay Unfit: Because Fitness Costs a Ton!

"Grarrl, Sir. I don't really think this section has anything to do with fitness."

"Oh, McCloud. I'm talking here. Why don't you let me finish my segment before you start interrupting. As I was saying, fitness can cost a ton of neopoints! Literally, they're quite heavy."

"I can't keep this up."

"Neither can most Neopians, McCloud. The sad truth is that the costs of personal trainers, health food, and expensive T-shirts can really add up! That's why you need: scratch cards! Cheap to buy, easy to use, and with decent odds, scratch cards are your friend!"

"Grarrl! That's.... gambling!"

"Sure is, McCloud, sure is!"

"But... fitness! We're here to talk about fitness, Grarrl!"

"Right-o! So, pick up those heavy, heavy neopoints, and give yourself a workout, all the way to the scratch card kiosk. I suggest spending all you've got left over after groceries and shirts- the more you buy, the more likely you'll be to win!"

"But, gambling is risky, Grarrl. What you're advising might leave a lot of Neopians broke, and no more in shape than when they started. I'm starting to think that you're less qualified..."

"McCloud's got some doubts about this folks, but do you know what our sponsors say? Every card is a chance to win! How can you beat those odds, McCloud? How?"

"With all due respect, sir...."

"If you're a bit green on the idea of gambling, don't worry. You don't have to spend everything you've got. Plus you can always play a bit of Key Quest to earn back whatever you might lose."

"Are you suggesting that there may be a risk of....

"So there you have it, folks. Get rich, buy nice clothes, and eat healthy foods. That's all there is to staying fit and having fun! Join me, Grarrl Johnson, and my buddy, Grundo McCloud again next time for another installment of Fitness Flake (tm). Brought to you by our sponsors, Health Frog Grocery, Uni Clothing Shop, and that Wocky that runs the scratch card kiosk."

"I quit."

 
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