Caring for an Evil Petpet
Got a feisty little Spyder that won't stop making webs over your tea cup? Perhaps a Chumablah who keeps destroying the flooring you put in? Maybe even a Bartamus who kidnapped the neighbor's Kad and is demanding ransom in the form of "evil weaponry that will ensure world domination." Owning an evil petpet comes with a very specific set of challenges and responsibilities. It is not an endeavor one should venture on without serious consideration.
However, if you are indeed absolutely sure you want an evil petpet in your household, this article will provide a comprehensive guide to the basics of the necessary accommodations for your scheming, mischief-obsessed little darling.
The first thing to do is identify what kind of physical damage your petpet could do to your home and take appropriate preventative measures. For example, Grobrins, with their hundreds of teeth, are constantly chewing on anything and everything. For them you'll need to coat your entire home in a healthy dose of chocolate pudding. Grobrins cannot stand chocolate or pudding of any kind.
Other common situations include:
- Fire petpets: You must keep a fire extinguisher within reach at all times. Ideally, you should keep a portable one in your hand... always.
- Clawed petpets: They will destroy your floors and your draperies (and tapestries, if you have them). You'll need to install the plushest carpets you can get your hands on and replace all drapes or tapestries with plastic alternatives.
- Glowing of any kind petpets: It is not always certain what a glowing petpet will do, unfortunately. Generally glowing means your petpet has a strange ability. Best just try not to anger them.
- Explosive petpets: If you can find one, a force field around the petpet is very useful. Other than that, insure your house and hope for the best.
- Aquatic petpets: These guys are the easiest to care for, most of the time as they cannot survive out of water – unless you've taken up residence in Maraqua, of course. Try to confine all the water in the house to one area. Again, unless you in Maraqua, in which case you should move.
This next point cannot be stressed enough: do not ever, ever, leave something you care about lying around, on display, or in any way within reach of your petpet. It will either be obliterated or, more commonly, eaten. This literally cannot be repeated enough: Never leave valuables around the house!
Some other places you could put that would be better:
- Kreludor. That way nothing shy of a rocket ship would get your petpet near it.
- More practically, a case that protects your item against your petpet's particular strength. For example a nice water chest would do nicely against a fiery petpet. Again, glowing petpets are unpredictable so Kreludor might be the best option when you have got one of them.
- Be conscious of land-based versus aqueous petpets. Meaning, if you have a petpet native to land, store your valuables underwater and vice versa for an aquatic petpet.
Evil petpets are not suited for weakly constituted petpets. Do not attach your petpet to a fragile, frail, or scrawny pet; they are simply not equipped to handle the petpet. In addition, you must be very aware if your pet is becoming overwhelmed by the petpet and take immediate action to remove the petpet.
Signs your pet may need a break:
- Constant twitching
- Development of phobias
- Development of nervous ticks such as a hand-wringing, extreme blinking, or foot-tapping
Sometimes it is very beneficial to find your malicious friend a hobby. This can make all the difference, indeed. It can be used as both a reward a threat; eat the pie you had in the oven and they are not allowed to go to piano lesson, do something helpful and they get a new ball of yarn to make with which to knit.
Strangely enough, it seem evil petpet gravitate towards very tame hobbies. It is unknown why this is the case, but it makes it much easier for owners. Image if your Globilol's hobby was cooking up chemical weapons.
Some hobbies you might want to see if they like first:
- Table tennis
Make sure to invest in proper fencing. The last thing you want is for the little things to get into your neighbor's yard and cause havoc. Nearly 34% of all domestic disturbance complaint are regarding evil petpets.* So, to avoid your neighbors both calling the authorities on your petpet and never speaking to you again, head over to your local landscaping company and ask about the best fencing for your petpet. A few good question to ask the employee:
- how deep should I bury the fence
- how high does the fence need to be
- should it be wired to an alarm system
- what kind of lock should I have on the gate
- how can I get in and out without the petpet escaping
*This is not accurate.
Take care to properly groom and cut nails, hair, claws, talons, spikes, and needles. Petpet can become exceedingly irritated if they are not appropriately taken care of. The care for each individual species of petpet varies widely but a few good general-care books to start with would be:
- Talons and Tails
- The Complete Nail-Care Guide
- Taming the Hair
- How to Keep Your Spikes Bright!
A final piece of advice: simply avoid this whole mess and do not get an evil petpet at all. Honestly, they are not worth the trouble. No matter how much your pet begs you to pick up a Graglop or a Hoggir or even a little Gnar for them, just say no. There are so many petpets out there with wonderfully calm, kind temperaments – why not just go with one of those? It is a promise that you will not regret going in another direction and your pet will be just as happy with a Quetzal or a Polarchuck. Even a Screal would be acceptable despite that awful racket they make when they are hungry.
Then again, if you decide to disregard that warning and do indeed find yourself with an evil petpet under your room, hopefully you've found this guide helpful!