Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 190,227,707 Issue: 571 | 16th day of Storing, Y14
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Recipes the Esophagor is Forcing You to Make


by sofia97733

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Screams and moans, bats and bones... oh rubbish, there's that creak in the door again, oh heavens, I hope it's not another flood of mutant Spyders, I was just about to get to that article-- oh yes! This is where I shall... hopefully... introduce myself. I am Ethel Wogbottom, a connoisseur in Haunted Woods cuisine from birth to death and every year after. How many years is that, now -- oh, rubbish, I've lost count. While not the happiest corner of the planet, this most unholy land possesses, yes, a most... exquisite cuisine, forged by years of hardship and devious creativity. I still do remember when the unusually superstitious and jaded old cookmaid in my antiquated mansion would cook me a good Octornapie ever Sunday dinner, yes... now, where does one start? At the beginning of the day, one starts with a breakfast, yes, let's go with... breakfast...

-- Three Tantalizing, Tasty Treats Essential to Any Half Decent Haunted Woods Breakfast --

#1: Haunted Milk

This classic was invented by Countess Griselda von Nasty -- in her quest to create soulless servants of her sinister necromantic order, she was left with an awful lot of useless souls lying around without any much purpose. But then, Griselda had the good idea to cook them into something tasty for her rotten little children, so they would grow up nice and thirsty for the consciousness of innocent beings. With that said, we hope you enjoy Haunted Milk.

Preparation Time: depends on your necromantic skills

General level of trauma to self associated with preparation: depends on how much empathy still clings to your soul after being raised in the Haunted Woods

Ingredients:

250cc milk

1 soul (human preferable, though Kadoaties do have the proper noisiness even beyond the grave, if you're so terribly worried about being caught)

1 Ecto-Mug (available at your nearest vague, dilapidated general store at the side of an abandoned road)

250g salt

Instructions:

Place mug of milk in the centre of your dark, cobweb-encrusted attic, and circle it with salt. Light five black candles outside the confines of the salt circle and recite passages 71 through 79 in your Neonomicon with your soul's host sitting comfortably within 1 metre of your milk. When the salt begins to glow purple and turn to ooze, quickly pour a line of salt leading from the mug to your host and watch the fun! Be careful to make sure candles continue to light through entire transfer of soul, or you may risk leaving the poor schmuck with half a soul left -- not a pleasant thing to see, yechh!

Chocolate may be stirred in if desired.

#2: Snotty Ghost Toast

Actually, there's not much to be said about Snotty Ghost Toast. It's toast, shaped like a ghost. There's snot on it -- suspiciously green I must say, but everyone knows that snot is acid green in Neopia, so that's nothing new.

Preparation Time: 5 minutes

General level of trauma to self associated with preparation: Low, unless you have a fear of snot, in which case you really should have no interest in eating toast smothered with snot

Ingredients:

1 slice thick-cut ghostbread

a bad cold

poor nasal hygiene

salt & pepper if desired

Instructions:

Toast bread to preference. Place in centre of bullseye for optimum fun. Compress least plugged nostril with thumb and index finger and BLOW until your sinuses are clear as the piercing, burning daylight! Then COUGH until your lungs feel they might pop out at any moment, all over the poor ghost! Chill until mucus forms a pudding-like crust, spice with salt and pepper, and allow to sit out until toast is very moist with mucus and fridge sweat. Serve with chilled visceral mash.

#3: Disturbing Gelatin

We eat gelatin for breakfast in the Haunted Woods. There's a lot of things we do in the Haunted Woods that seem strange, my friend -- and we don't need any of you PRISSY, STUCK-UP breathing folks BREATHING DOWN OUR NECKS WITH YOUR USELESS, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING TRACHEAS AND YOUR LOUSY DUMB LUNGS ABOUT IT!!!

Preparation Time: It's actually quite hard to gauge.

General level of trauma to self associated with preparation: about 2 hours for the jelly to set

Ingredients:

One HORRIBLE, absolutely RUINED, RIVEN, SHATTERED mind warped for YEARS by the SHEER TRAUMA of living in this ENDLESS WASTELAND FILLED WITH HORROR AND DEATH.

a pack of grape jelly

Instructions:

Follow the instructions on packet of grape jelly. Stop for a moment and think about that time. You know that time -- that time you [REDACTED]. Doesn't it feel bad? It feels bad, but it also feels good. You feel a little... nutty. You feel a bit of a rush coming back to that moment, eh buddy? It feels good, eh? Let it all out! Let it ALL OUT! Let it all out on EVERYTHING YOU COME ACROSS, spill your HEART AND SOUL into this, impose the alternate reality of your mind onto the very half-solid bowl of gelatin that stands in front of you on your kitchen counter right now, and DOMINATE IT. BEND ITS VERY ATOMS AND MOLECULES INTO A SHAPE THAT SUITS YOUR PSYCHE PERFECTLY.

Add pineapple chunks and maraschino cherries if desired.

-- Convenience Foods for the Weary Traveller --

#1: Gorerito

Ah, the Gorerito. 'Twas invented on a dark stormy night by one José Gloomdarkdeath not so long ago, yes, you know the man, the one from that horrible [REDACTED]... awful shame how he [REDACTED]. *wistful sigh* Even our own kind must resort to savagery in these dark times. At least a good meal came of it.

Preparation Time: 10 min

General level of trauma to self associated with preparation: You shouldn't be worried about this if you've even HEARD of the Gorerito so far, young lad/lass.

Ingredients:

1 cup [REDACTED]

5 steaming pounds of [REDACTED]

A fresh, still-pulsating [REDACTED]

The young [REDACTED] of a [REDACTED]

33 oz. of minced [REDACTED]

1 9" corn tortilla (gluten-free options available at the health food shop)

Instructions:

Smear the tortilla with [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] the [REDACTED] as it [REDACTED], making sure to prolong its breaths til [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. Listen closely for the screams of [REDACTED] as you [REDACTED] -- make sure to use a [REDACTED]. Mince [REDACTED] with great care to stop the [REDACTED] from oozing out. If [REDACTED] make sure to pump some good sense (and by good sense I mean boiled pumpkin scoopings) into the lousy thing til its [REDACTED] ruptures. [REDACTED] your spatula and deep-fry the [REDACTED] until crisp. Stuff all remaining ingredients into tortilla and roll tightly. Serve with mouldy sour cream.

#2: Haunted Hummus

A Haunted Woods spin on a Lost Desert favourite, this delicious dish goes well with a nice pita. Use the leftover tahini to make Horrifying Halwa if you please!

Preparation Time: 10 minutes

General level of trauma to self associated with preparation: Well. I don't know. This is really subjective, isn't it?

Ingredients:

2 garlic cloves, mashed and then minced

2 15-oz cans of garbanzo beans (chickpeas), drained and rinsed

2/3 cup of tahini (roasted, not raw)

1/3 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice

1/2 cup water

1/4 cup olive oil

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1 oz. bone meal

100 g grave wax

50ml of stale, coagulated blood

Instructions: Throw everything from cloves to salt together in the blender -- go ahead, it won't bite you, unless you stick your hand... a little... too... close... AHA! Ahem, sorry. That can be fixed. I don't know what drew you to do such a ridiculous thing, shame on you! Pour bone meal into the strange oily chickpea-sesame paste you create and scoop onto a large plate. Crumble grave wax over corrupted, but not quite corrupted enough, hummus and toss. Garnish with coagulated blood in the shape of a great big red X. If you are a skilled chef, the soul of the poor sap you stole these body parts from should return to your hummus searching for his shell, but if not, well... it should still taste good, we hope. Garnish with pieces of pita bread, or carrot sticks if you're carb-conscious.

#3: Crabby Apple

Preparation Time: depends on the apple's temper

General level of trauma associated with preparation: Little to none, unless you become guilty after yelling at apples

Ingredients:

One well-adjusted and happy apple -- at least before YOU came into his/her/their life.

Instructions: Pick up your apple. Throw it on the ground, tell it it's rotten and bruised and you don't even like Red Delicious but it was the only cultivar in stock this time of year. Scold it til it weeps just for existing the way it does. Hiss at it like an angry cat, make it hear the most caustic vitriol you could possibly manage to spew from your mouth. What a useless, crabby old apple it is. Tell it it's too sour. Tell it to lighten up and smile after it's just finally started to crack, and then pluck off that cute little leaf sticking out of its crown until it gets too angry to speak. Wait a few minutes for it to cool off, and it will no longer be a furious apple, but simply a crabby one. Bite in and enjoy -- the boiling anger causes a very pleasant caramelization of the apple's juices!

-- Bonus: MISERABLE, SIMPERING HALLMARKS OF INADEQUACY --

#1: Haunted Salad

What kind of APE drew this thing? Did it take you an entire fifteen seconds to doodle that up -- what is it even supposed to be, a glob of green play-clay big enough to fill a bathtub and some hideous, water-stained pastel blue oven mitts?!! I'm so impressed! Wow! Thanks for taking the time to contribute to our culture's prized cuisine, you sycophant, whoever invented this dish!

Preparation time: fifteen seconds

General level of talent required to DRAW THIS THING: none

Instructions: Tape your dominant hand under your desk -- or, if you are ambidextrous, guide the mouse with your feet. Draw a bathtub and some globs of unidentifiable green slop. Draw something that's supposed to look like a tomato slice and some oven mitts. Pat yourself on the back, chap, because you've just made yourself a Haunted Salad, and this hunk of absolute swill and rubbish will net you 250k on the Trading Post, even though it's not even gourmet! Fan-TASTIC! Spectacular! Amazing! Wonderful! Marvellous! Ichiban!

As they say in some obscure nation about a universe over, "La cuisine de la -no tags here- c'est tres excellente! Bon appetit!"

 
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