Recipes Your Grendforb Used to Make

(DISCLAIMER: If you experience coughing, nausea, vomiting, mysterious itches, light-headedness, hallucinations, gangrene, loss of limbs, immune shutdown or death after consuming these dishes, you agreed very well that you were not liable for any harm caused as soon as you visited this page -- capiche?)

#1: Ant Soup

This recipe was invented by our forefathers, the first Alien Aisha pioneers to touch down on Neopia -- unfortunately they were unaware that the fruits and vegetables of Neopia were intended to be eaten as food, and in a desperate, starving act of misery, began to bang rotten logs in search of edible fungus or fish. This recipe has been adapted to a more modern standard with basil and ginger.

Preparation time: 5 minutes

Ingredients:

• one rotten log filled with ants
• 500cc water
• 1 tsp basil
• 1 tsp ginger
• 2 tbsp dirt
• 2 tbsp cooking oil

Instructions:

Place basil and dirt into a saucepan of water on high heat. While this boils, bang the log of ants into a skillet, like you would do if you were trying to get the last bit of shampoo out of the bottle, and fill skillet with cooking oil. Stir-fry ants and log debris in skillet until they begin to smoke, and then cover with ginger before adding to saucepan. Chill for 2 hours for optimal taste, and then serve with grub champanade. Serves 2.

#2: Finger Crisps

A popular snack for Neoschoolers on Kreludor, this has been met with some controversy by Neopian lawyerbots who have some silly qualms about the black-market finger and eyeball industry. Well, to the magma pits with them! You'll eat these crisps and you'll like them -- but watch out for peeping Neocops at your door! It's a delicacy sure to give you a rush!

Preparation time: 1 hour

Ingredients:

• 10 fingers, human best but Mynci will substitute in the case of legal nonsense
• 500cc cooking grease
• 150ml flour
• 200ml water
• 200ml maple syrup

Instructions:

Mix flour and water together in a large bowl. Coat fingers in flour and water mixture until fingernails no longer discernible. Fill deep fryer with cooking grease and deep-fry battered fingernails for 20 minutes, or until fingernails float off -- these will be used as a garnish later. Place onto parchment paper on a medium sized cookie sheet and drench with maple syrup. Bake at 450 F until syrup caramelizes. Clip separated fingernails into flower shapes and serve with corn syrup-sweetened tempura dipping sauce. Serves 1.

#3: Swill Pudding

This recipe was invented by a Gorignakian housewife, Min'xx'k'f'q'q'q'q VX, who was absolutely flustered by the amount of good dishwater that went wasted with every batch of ketchup granola she made. Some creativity, trial and error resulted in the birth of this marvelous dessert, and we certainly give it two slightly jaundiced fingers up!

Preparation time: 2 hours approximately

Ingredients:

• 2 packets gelatin (agar agar can be substituted for vegetarians/vegans)
• 500cc vintage dishwater
• 4 tbsp peanut butter

Instructions: Pour dishwater into one large bowl and whisk with gelatin until all is dissolved. Separate mixture into four bowls. Refrigerate for two hours, or until set firmly, and then add a dollop of peanut butter to each. Serve with sparkling bacon fat. Serves 4.

#4: Eyeball Fungus

At our official apology banquet to Faerieland after the plagiarism of their magical artifacts, this was served to the one and only Queen Fyora by our people's top chef, Irknak III. She certainly looked flustered -- how's that for a testimonial?!

Preparation time: 6 months approximately

Ingredients:

• 1 eyeball (the larger the better -- Kau works wonderfully but if you are cheap Eyefish is just fine)
• 1 damp basement
• 1 tbsp dishwater

If you don't care about authenticity, you can buy some mushroom spores at your nearest Haunted Woods garden shop, you wormish little amateur.

Instructions:

Place eyeball in a shallow bowl with dishwater. Leave in dusty floor or ceiling corner of damp basement. Go for a nice island vacation and take some pictures back to your cousins in Wuba Prime. Visit the floating catacombs on Octozodi after that and try and get an interview with Yorwax III. Return home having spent much more money than you ever thought you would, pace nervously around the kitchen chiding yourself for it, and then visit your eyeball. If we had a good season, you should have some proper fungus growing up there, and if not, the calling of a chef has not found you yet. Serve with Krawk Island peanut punch mixed with mustard. Serves 1.

#5: Snot Snake

A food of strife invented by the lost Aishas who crashed upon Geraptiku, strapped for nourishment with nothing but poisonous flora and venomous snakes surrounding them. Here we have adapted a much less deadly version of the recipe to the Neopian palate with condensed bagguss gas -- we think you lot like that, right? There's shelves full of it at the health food shop, so we're sure you do, and if you don't just remember that back on Wuba Secundus if we didn't like what our grendforb used to make we didn't eat at all, alright?!

Preparation time: depends on how hard it is for you to wrestle a snake into a tub of snot, really

Ingredients:

• 1 large, live, bottle-fed python
• 1 gallon chilled snot
• 100ml liquefied bagguss gas

Preparation:

Mix bagguss juice with snot. Bathe snake in snot-juice mixture for ten minutes, flipping every minute for even coverage. Stick under a hot lamp for a day or two in order to create a nice crust. Chill for one hour to solidify and serve the snake live with a fungal garnish and sparkling mustard. Serves 5.

Caution should be taken when serving these recipes! The Neopian palate is rather boring and mundane... your next-door neighbour may not be able to handle the tangy taste of Alien Aisha delicacy! So be very ware of that, and I bid you good luck! *indiscernible gagging, seemingly an ancient Aishan-language farewell*