Dr. Frank Sloth’s Guide to the NC Mall
After countless failed attempts to conquer the world of Neopia with large Grundo armies and years of plotting in my underground lab, I've decided to take a softer approach to conquering – *cough* I mean, improving – this little planet.
Some of my assistants who patrol lands such as Altador, Faerieland, and Brightvale, have brought back reports to me which have made it evident that one of the top problems affecting modern day neopets is... fashion! We've noticed an abundance of faerie Draiks wearing fluffy dresses, tiaras, and flowers. Rainbow Poogles parade around in bows, wings, and high heels! This is not the Neopia I once knew! Every pet is dressed up in bells and whistles, pinks, turquoises, and purples!
What Neopian style needs is a little bit of sophistication. It should be noted that style is in fact not defined by the brightest colors, the most accessories, and the girliest outfits. My philosophy is: the darker and simpler, the better.
When I am shopping for the sleekest new look for my highest appointed Grundo advisors – these are my most important and trusted servants, so they must look good! – I search for the most simple yet dashing and state-of-the-art outfits. We will often pair a stunningly classic jacket, such as the Sporting Suit Jacket, with a simple pair of pants, such as the Moltara Inventor Trousers. Now, I don't mean to support the fashions of other lands besides my home of the Space Station, but I know fashion when I see it, and sometimes, my pride must be set aside, I admit. This look gives my advisors a touch of class, while still maintaining the dark and simple Sloth-approved look... and of course, they still do not outshine me! This is a given.
Now, the guards of my secret underground lair must be well dressed, too! All those who dare try and enter must approach a sinister pair of shadow Grundos first. These boys do a great job of guarding me from pathetic little Neopians who think that they have what it takes to confront Dr. Frank Sloth! Muhahahaha! They never stand a chance. So, to thank them for their service and to make sure they uphold their aura of sophistication and, well, terror, I must make sure that my guards have the best uniforms possible. My favorite of the current fashions is the Regimental Jacket. It is intimidating, and yet abides by my rule of simplicity. No extra frills – this fashion provides a purpose. Oftentimes my guards will wear with the jacket a nice pair of dark and cleanly polished shoes, such as Mad Tea Party Shoes. These top off the look, and boost the level of elegance.
Possibly the most important members of Virtupets Corp., hereby referred to as VC, (well, besides me of course!), are the Grundos which comprise my Army of Minions. These minions defend my honor throughout every land of Neopia; they fight for Sloth and Virtupets, and they act as my spies, since I of course am too important to grace Neopia with my own presence. Ha! Now, these creatures are stealthy. They are hardly ever seen, due to intensive training for years in my secret headquarters. If you do see one, it will probably be the last thing you EVER see, actually. I can't give away any more information, but let it suffice to say that these are the most frightening creatures you could ever see lurking in Neopia's corners and shadows. And for this, I will give a lot of credit to their uniforms. VC manufactures the Space Trooper Superpack – now available in the NC Mall. This includes Space Trooper Armour, Space Trooper Leggings, Space Trooper Helmet, and of course, the Space Trooper Oxygen Tank. If you purchase it (**ALL FUNDS GO TO VIRTUPETS CORP.**), you will also receive a limited edition weapon, although obviously my Grundos use much better – the highest rated weapons, produced only in the darkest depths of the Space Station. This armour is the best of the best: the most impenetrable, strongest, highest quality armour ever to be seen or sold. The mask enhances the Grundos' eyesight but also makes their faces unable to be seen by watchers. It is simplistic, futuristic, and of course – black. It ups their levels of intimidation, and in addition is extremely functional. Now THIS is what all fashion should be.
Now, of course all of these ranking members of VC should be flawlessly and impeccably dressed to show all other Neopians that we are superior. However, even my lowliest servants – the mutant Grundos – must uphold some level of VC standards. Until recently this was very hard to do... finding clothes which fit the mutants I create in my lab is NOT easy. We were having them wear rags at first... but this was unacceptable. We then started manufacturing our own line of mutant-fitting clothes. But this was a lot of work, and took away from valuable time that we could use for... other things... Then, just recently, the NC Mall came out with a new fashion – a line for mutants! Take a look at the Mutant Tattered Dress! Our female servants love these! Now they can bring some style into their look. This boost of confidence has greatly increased productivity here at VC. Oh, and for the non-mutant Grundo workers, we just hand them a pair of Black Utility Trousers and a Rugged Work Shirt and Vest. This outfit was built to get dirty, yet it still retains a bit of the VC look.
And here's what you've all been waiting for...
What do *I*, Dr. Frank Sloth, pick out when I am shopping for myself? Of course, I have most of my outfits handcrafted for me by the top Grundo designers in Neopia... it's really quite foolish of you to ask! Yet, sometimes when I am shopping for my minions at the mall, I spot a design or two that I simply CANNOT resist. Now, you lowly Neopians, get out your notepads, because for those of you who always wanted to look like Sloth (all of you, I assume), here is your chance! My favorite design is the Dashing Gothic Jacket. It is classy, and suits my personal style very well. The dark colors and fine-tuned details make everyone know that this jacket was not cheap – yet it still is simplistic and, well, dashing! Perfect for a dashing man like me. For a very casual event, on the other hand, I am a fan of the Spiffy Black Leather Jacket. This jacket is laid-back, comfortable, and – let's face it – just plain cool! Who better to wear a stunning leather jacket such as this one than the one and only Dr. Sloth? The correct answer, lowly Neopians, is NOBODY. *cackles*
Err... where was I? Oh, right... *thinks for a moment* I know I have argued against overdoing accessories... I stand by that. However, once in a while a simple accessory here or there can actually enrich an outfit, instead of taking away from it. My most honored mutant Grundos are sometimes allowed to wear the Elegant Mutant Cape. I myself sometimes wear the Hero of Neopia Cape... IRONICALLY, of course! *insert more evil laughter* Sometimes, if I am bringing a high level advisor to an event, I will let him wear the Black Satin Bow Tie, even. But make no mistake! Too many accessories will ruin you! They will make you look foolish – fellow Neopians will believe that you have something to hide, and are covering up insecurities. No, no, no – it's all wrong. I, Dr. Sloth, have nothing to hide!
So please, I order you! Throw away your Operatic Star Gloves! Get rid of that Lace Headband Wig! No more Dazzling Feather Earrings! Believe me, if you do, this world will be a better place. Go for the Sloth way – the elegant and simplistic way... the official style of Virtupets! Because, remember, foolish Neopian: The Virtupets way is the best way. This will never change.
Dr. Sloth, signing out.
Search the Neopian Times
Most carefully plan their pet's dip in those magical waters centered in Neopia Central. Well, my girl may have slipped. That is the current hypothesis, anyway.