The Voice of Neopia: An Interview with Dr. Sloth
When most Neopians hear the commonly used phrase "Doctor Sloth", they immediately feel like their hearts have been struck with a lead-tipped and magma-dipped icicle about 15 cm long. After all, this crazy scientist has attempted to take over Neopia and caused misery to everyone on Neopia. It is easy to see why so many live in constant fear of his (inevitable?) return.
But Dr. Frank Sloth has been Neopia's greatest determined scientist for two thousand years now, and was one of the first beings to even inhabit this planet. There is a lot to admire in him. Those who hail from the world of the Pound Chat will immediately recognize the beauty in his antique Grundo slaves. Those *cough* crazy *cough* beings dwelling in the Avatar Chat rejoice when he visits them to reward them with his image. Those collectors in Neopia scramble to buy the many rare items he displays at the Auction House. And of course, when Dr. Sloth appears in the sky and endows a Neopian with one of his famous transmogrification potions, it is a day of rejoicing for the recipient of such gratitude.
Last seen flailing around in the outer reaches of space, Dr. Sloth is now in an unconfirmed and undisclosed location, probably still flailing around in the outer reaches of space. We were, however, able to contact him via a futuristic communication system wired into the Virtupets Space Station. The following conversation was recorded by a Grundo helper who also helped us set up the communication line with Dr. Sloth. I hope that the following interview helps to highlight the many benefits of having Dr. Sloth around.
Eh... anyone there? Hello?
Dr. Sloth, if you can hear me, this is Mando reporting on behalf of the Neopian Times. It is in our greatest wishes that you respond in order to provide a reliable article for our coverage of Sloth Appreciation Day. We come in peach! I mean, peace!
Did you say the Neopian Times? Why, of course I won't assist in the promotion of your primitive source of what you call news. How did you find out how to contact me in such a way? Do you have peaches? Good-bye!
Dr. Sloth, I will swear on the dark faerie's statue that this article will go to good use for the benefit of your self-image. Now will you answer a few questions for me?
I suppose so. Can't hurt to reach out a bit to my adoring fans...
Eh... Dr. Sloth... can I call you Frank?
Who is that? Of course not! I hold a PhD in horribleness; I refuse to be subject to su--
Okay then, Dr. Sloth. Let's start with the basics. How long have you wanted to conquer Neopia?
Ever since the time when you puny little life forms didn't even inhabit the planet. It has been my greatest desire ever since I landed here, which was hundreds and hundreds of years ago.
According to the Neopedia, you arrived on Neopia when it was just a desolate, empty swampworld. So why didn't you just take over it then?
Isn't it obvious? What fun is there in conquering when there is no one and nothing to conquer? Besides, more urgent things came up.
More urgent than world domination?
Be quiet and go to your next question.
Can you give us a little bit about your background?
Um... about the last time you tried to conquer Neopia. What do you regret most about it?
That my own Grundo leader stole my Superhero Usuki do--I mean, nothing! I regret nothing. It may have seemed like an embarrassing defeat, but it was sincerely just a way to learn more of Neopia's weaknesses. Sure, I may have experienced a few... difficulties... along the way, but in the end Neopia will see! No one can delay the return of Dr. Sloth, not even the whole of Neopia and that ridiculous Bruce! Don't you think I can come back, bigger and stronger than ever?
Of course, of course. So you don't plan on extracting revenge on Gorix and Cylara?
I never said that. Brucey B will suffer too, as well as all of the others who have ever helped them in their miserable and fruitless task of driving me away.
So you believe that you will return someday and finally gain control of Neopia?
Of course. I am *cough* already in the *cough* process of assembling my secret army.
But how can you do that? You're still floating around in outer spa--
SILENCE! Never doubt the ingenuity of Dr. Sloth!
Okay, Dr. Sloth. Sir. Why are your Grundo followers so loyal to you?
Because I am truly the embodiment of awesomeness. Why else would I have so much support?
So I'm a little confused, Dr. Sloth. If you're floating around in space, how can you be here on Neopia giving away permission to use your image and also setting up auctions and giving away transmogrification potions?
I have a spaceship and a robot clone. Isn't it obvious?
And why do you give out transmogrification potions?
Because it is absolutely essential to my plan for world domination that I have as many loyal followers as possible. Think about it. By giving transmogrification potions, I spread happiness to the silly owners of pets who get transformed into my mindless slaves. It is a great investment!
Switching topics a little now. What do you feel about the Virtupets team's victory in the Altador Cup of Y13?
I am proud to see that an establishment I laid down has blossomed into such a rewarding status. Be it in a primitive petpet-chasing romp around a dirt field. Now don't you think you've had enough for one interview?
Just one more question. I'd like to give this time to you to tell the world why they should accept Dr. Sloth as their inevitable leader.
Well, Neopia, I can say that I love your world more than anyone else you will ever find. You cannot avoid the fact that I will soon claim the tasty cheese that this mouse has been craving for thousands of years. Join me, and you will see Neopia risen to a new level! Just look at the Virtupets Altador Cup team! I laid down the soil for them to grow in, and behold the blossoms that have sprung out of the ground! If you join me, we will be mighty! If you join, you sha--
*quickly* Thank you for your time, Dr. Sloth.