Rules to Remember When Taking Over Neopia
Neopia has seen its fair share of world domination attempts, most of which have failed horribly, usually because the would-be conqueror made some fatal mistake that allowed the hero to triumph. The Darkest Faerie, Dr. Sloth, Xandra, all have made at least one attempt to conquer Neopia which failed miserably. Having reviewed what documentation I could find about their attempts at Neopian conquest, I put together the following article, which should help would-be rulers of Neopia to avoid some of the more common mistakes made by those whose failed attempts at Neopian domination have become the stuff of legends.
Rule One: Make sure the faeries can't stop you from taking over Neopia.
The faeries are powerful, and nearly immortal, magical beings whose very existence is key to the well-being of Neopia, as we learned during the Faeries' Ruin, and many of the greatest attempts at Neopian domination have been thwarted by faeries. Take, for example, the Darkest Faerie, whose plans to rule Neopia were curtailed on two separate occasions by Queen Fyora, who seems to enjoy turning her enemies into stone statues. Then there's Dr. Frank Sloth, whose advanced technology is never quite enough to save him from the Space Faerie. Admittedly, Sloth's most recent attempt was thwarted by a Grundo and a young Cybunny, but let's face it, they never would have been able to defeat him without the Space Faerie's token and the incantation she taught them to activate said token.
From these failures we can see the first rule of thumb for taking over Neopia: never underestimate the faeries, and in particular never underestimate the power of Queen Fyora.
Thus, to make your attempt at Neopian domination a success, you first need to make sure none of the faeries can interfere with your plans in any way. You do not need to go to the lengths that Xandra did, however. I have it on good authority that the only reason the faeries of the different elements aren't dueling it out on a daily basis is that Queen Fyora manages to balance the power amongst the faeries. So if you take the Faerie Queen out of the picture, the other faeries will start fighting each other with minimal prompting, leaving the fate of Neopia up to whoever cares to take over. The various faeries living outside of Faerieland might need a little extra prompting to join the fray, but it shouldn't be too hard to incite them. Just remember to make sure none of the faeries are free to think about challenging your right to rule Neopia, or you'll end up as a stone statue at the bottom of the ocean.
Rule Two: Do not forget about the Neopets who can use magic to thwart your schemes.
Even with the faeries out of the picture, you may still face magical opposition from various Neopets skilled in the use of magic. For example, the last time Lord Darigan waged war against Meridell, his brilliant method of distracting King Skarl from the conflict was undermined by a young Aisha sorceress named Lisha. The Darkest Faerie's most recent attempt at gaining control of Altador was countered by Jerdana, another powerful Aisha sorceress. Sophie the swamp witch managed to undo the curse Krawley had placed on the citizens of Neovia. These Neopets have the ability to wreak havoc with your plans to take over Neopia.
It is outside the scope of this article to tell you how to take out these magic users, however I will provide you with a list of those you might want to watch out for:
- Lord Darigan
- Lisha of Meridell
- Jerdana of Altador, also known as the Protector
- Sophie the Swamp Witch
- the Shop Wizard
Now, it might seem safe to ignore the Shop Wizard, but he can use magic, though usually only to find good deals in the Marketplace. Nevertheless, he does know magic, and to be on the safe side you should neutralize him on your way to conquering Neopia.
Rule Three: Look out for betrayal from your underlings.
You will, without a doubt, require some minions to help you take over Neopia, and most likely your will hire someone to be your second-in-command, whose main job will be to oversee your dim witted minions. Beware of betrayal from your minions, and especially beware of your second-in-command experiencing a change of heart! Were not Lords Darigan and Kass defeated with the help of Galgarroth and Master Vex, both once-loyal servants to their lordships? Would not Dr. Sloth have succeeded in taking over Neopia if Commander Gormos had not experienced a change of heart and let Cylara and Gorix escape? Make sure you completely control all those who serve under you, or your failure may be next.
Rule Four: Never indulge in a classic evil villain monologue when you have captured the hero.
So you have nearly succeeded in conquering Neopia, and you have the hero or heroes who were trying to stop you within your power. As tempting as it may be, DO NOT go into a long monologue explaining your plans and gloating on your success up to now. Time and again, we have seen villains fall into this trap, only to find that the hero takes this opportunity to escape from their bonds and defeat the villain in their supposed hour of triumph.
The most recent example of this was after Xandra succeeded in destroying Faerieland and petrifying most of the heroes who were trying to save the faeries. She then went on to reveal her evil plans to Brynn and Hanso, with the object of converting them to her cause. This allowed Hanso enough time to come up with a way to thwart her schemes, and ultimately ended with Xandra being turned to stone.
So make sure to save your evil monologue until all the heroes have been disposed of, and you have succeeded in taking over Neopia.
Rule Five: Do not lose your temper when confronted by a hero.
It is a well-known fact that losing your temper causes you to do things you will later regret, and this is especially true of evil villains during their climatic battles with the heroes trying to stop them. This was what ultimately led to Xandra's demise. After Hanso stole that artefact from her, he tricked her into losing her temper and throwing spells at him, which overloaded the artefact and allowed him to turn her to stone. Your case may not be quite so dramatic, but remember that losing your temper will cause you to make mistakes, so try to keep a cool head while fighting the heroes trying to stop your conquest of Neopia.
Rule Six: Do not forget about the Meepits.
Everyone in Neopia knows that the Meepits are planning to take over Neopia, though no one is quite sure how or when. It is my belief that the Meepits have already succeeded in taking over Neopia, and are quietly running things from behind the scenes. They are watching us all the time, and if they see that you are about to successfully take over Neopia they will- *is dragged off by Meepits*
Meep! I, the Meepit Overlord, would like to apologize for taking over this article. I feel it is necessary to point out that the author of this article is not quite right in the head, and I ask that you ignore this article as the product of a deranged mind. I really hate doing this, but I cannot let you walk away with the wrong ideas about us Meepits. We do not enjoy dragging off Neopian Times writers and editorialists; we would much rather be plotting to take over Neo--I mean, we would much rather be frolicking happily through fields of pretty flowers. Yes, that's right. *shifty eyes*