Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 187,760,157 Issue: 526 | 22nd day of Celebrating, Y13
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Fruitcake: The Gift That Keeps On Giving


by lil_princess_of_evil

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Also written by alamar49

"Oh great, fruitcake again?" Yes, it's that time of year once again. Time to receive more fruitcake than you could ever want (one is more than I could ever want). You could toss that out, but that's just rotten. After all, someone worked hard on that fruitcake... probably. You may think it's witty to re-gift that fruitcake, but everyone else is doing that! Chances are, your fruitcake gift was a re-gift. You don't want to consider dropping it off at the Money Tree. It will be flooded with those at this time of year. People would be happier with those bits of barb wire than they would the fruitcake. It's time to stop the cycle. Here's a list of great ideas of what you can do with that fruitcake, to make end that cycle and keep your friends from dreading your gifts.

1 –Let's start off with the obvious. Fruitcake, on its own, does not do anything. So why should you do anything with it? You shouldn't! And you don't have to, as fruitcakes make great paperweights. Just drop it on that set of papers you don't want blowing around, and you're done. Now write a letter to your friend saying how great their gift was to you.

2- Okay, you probably have way too many paperweights in your house. You don't need one more. How about a door stop? You still don't have to do anything and it probably feels good tossing that cake down to the floor. Don't worry about your neopets eating your door stop on you; nobody wants that stuff. It's also fairly indestructible. You ever wonder why that fruitcake never crumbles after years and years of being re-gifted?

3 –It's a little known fact that Pant Devils LOVE fruitcake. Okay, I lied. Maybe if you're lucky, the Pant Devil will come and take that fruitcake out of your life, though? Just load up your inventory with them, and hang out in those areas that the Pant Devil loves to play at. If he does not come, well, you found a great deterrent from that Pant Devil.

4 – Gather up enough fruitcakes, and you can create a cheap but sturdy neohome with them. The fruit inside your fruitcake will keep your house insulated all winter. It's also a well known fact that fruitcakes are able to withstand all those natural disasters. Ever wonder why fruitcakes are handed out during those winter times? It's because all of those other, more delicious cakes couldn't make it through a blizzard. As an added bonus to your home, you could make furniture as well. It won't be very comfortable, but it will be the sturdiest furniture you ever had. Plus, it beats having a house full of dung! Almost...

5–Taking an example from Darigan Dodgeball, fruitcake can replace the ball in any of your favorite sports to make it more extreme. For gormball, replace the exploding ball with an exploding fruitcake, and watch everyone's face light up. You can make Extreme Faerie Cloud Racers even more extreme by building an aircraft worthy of racing. Plus, as we discussed earlier, fruitcake is indestructible. Even if you crash, you still win! Just combine a little bit of faerie magic with your fruitcake and you're all set for Extreme Extreme Faerie Cloud Racers. Remember, everything's better when it's done in an extreme manner.

6– "Hey Jeff!" *tosses fruitcake at Jeff's head* Now Jeff will always know to pay attention to you. Just make sure he's not carrying around his own re-gifted fruitcake, or this make turn into an extreme sport (see above). You probably shouldn't use this method for anyone that influences your salary or grades, or that takes care of you, though.

7 – A Petpet Protection League (PPL) approved suggestion: Instead of tossing your petpets as cannonballs or catapults, use your fruitcake to invade your next castle, boat, or other tall structure. As an added bonus, you can set the fruitcake on fire for an added castle/boat invasion effect, if only for just the smile on your face.

8 – Tired of those guests/kids/neighbors freeloading in your neohome for way too many hours past their welcome? Here's a suggestion to getting those freeloaders out of your house even faster, so you can get some peace and quiet. The next time you plan on them being in your neohome, get that fruitcake prepared on a platter and keep it at the ready. When you are done with being hospitable, crack out that dessert and try to encourage them to have a slice. Either you will get rid of that fruitcake, in which case, you have some odd visitors, or you will find yourself with an empty house faster than you can bring it out. Either way, it's a win-win. I strongly encourage using this suggestion the next time you have the person who gifted you the fruitcake over. They'll be regretting gifting you that fruitcake, and hopefully learn their lesson for next year. Another win!

9 – Some of those suggestions listed above are a little outside of the box, but in all seriousness, fruitcake can vastly improve your health! Simply carry it around, and in no time you will build your biceps, triceps, pecs, depending on how you carry it around. Hold it while you do curls to improve that midsection. Improve your balance by balancing on top of it.

10 – To eat! Nah... Nobody really eats that stuff... Seriously, you might as well eat a brick. Forget I said that... . Sorry.

Alright, let's face it. You probably have so much fruitcake stored up from gifts each year that you probably used it for all of these suggestions already, and then created some more unique ideas of your own. Perhaps next year, you should really just gift that fruitcake back to the person who gave it to you, and keep that cycle going. After all, it truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Happy Holidays!

 
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