Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 186,575,100 Issue: 506 | 5th day of Hiding, Y13
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The Stranger Side of Food


by thediractor

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When it comes to food, Neopia’s the place to be. There’s literally anything and everything imaginable to eat! Your pets will never complain of eating the same thing every day with such a selection of delectable (erm, and some not-so-delectable) dishes before them. That is, unless you just visit the Giant Omelette each day and call it good. But where’s the fun in that?

While writing about the most gourmet and beautifully mastered Neopian foods would be a fun thing to read and write about, that isn’t why we’re here today. Another time, perhaps. No, today we are here to talk about some of this planet’s strangest, most utterly puzzling foods - the little-known oddities of the culinary world, as I prefer to call them.

Please know that when I say “little-known oddities” and “strangest, most utterly puzzling”, I do not necessarily mean “disgusting”. Some of the dishes below might not seem like a good combination, but have you tried them before? I should hope not---I mean *coughcough* probably not.

And three... two... one... let the list begin!

1.

Mega Fishy Smoothie

Description: Why eat real fish when you can have a fishy paste?

Yeah, why SHOULD you eat real fish when you can have a fishy paste? That’s what I want to know. One of life’s well-established facts is that everything is better when sipped through a bendy straw. I should know, I’ve tried it with everything from cold cereal to good books. But that’s beside the point. I see you cringing at this item, and you shouldn’t be. You can’t love it until you try it!

2.

Pickled Eel

Description: A holiday favourite, full flavoured, succulent and slippery!

Aww, it’s still smiling at me and it still has its eyes open... 0_o What?! It’s still living! Oh my gosh! I’m scared to death of eels! RUN, RUN, AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

3.

Baked Intesteen

Description: Now that is just nasty!

I agree! I have a lot of questions about this one. For one thing, that’s cruel, baking an Intesteen (that’s a petpet, by the way). It’s like Blumaroo steak! *shiver* Anyway, what’s it coated with that’s green? Who eats this? And my biggest question: why is there an eyeball at the top of the stick?

4.

Cone-Shaped Strawberry

Description: Wow, a rare cone shaped fruit! A strange mixture of chemicals was added to the fertiliser to make this - so it probably isn’t safe to eat.

But... but... strawberries are already cone-shaped! So they didn’t need to add all the chemicals to the fertiliser. Which means this is just a poisonous strawberry. Hold on one second.

4.

Cone-Shaped Strawberry Toxic Strawberry

Gross! Don’t eat this.

Okay, moving on.

5.

CPMPB Pizza

Description: What does CPMPB stand for? Chicken pesto with mozzarella and peanut butter of course!

Wow! What an *interesting* combination! It took a culinary genius hours and hard thinking to come up with this, obviously. That, or the chef ran out of all his regular pizza ingredients and was pressed for time. Either way, this is a must-try pizza. Even if you don’t like it after you taste it, you have to admit that you’d feel guilty if you went your whole life without trying it.

6.

Jhudora Eyeball Pasta

Description: This pasta dish will keep you coming back for that eye-popping taste.

I’m not sure to laugh at the description of this item or feel sick to my stomach. I have questions for this dish, too: How’d it get turned green and purple? This one’s more of a statement, actually - Who knew Jhudora had that many eyes in her head? Huh. Well, I’m sure that if you picked the eyeballs out it’d be safe to eat, and maybe even somewhat delicious!

7.

Thing Rolls

Description: What’s inside? Who knows. That’s why they are called thing rolls.

How... mysterious! I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess what’s inside the transparent covering of the rolls. Okay: I think those purple things are grapes, the red-and-white stuff might be meat, the green stuff is probably either lettuce or spinach, the little red dots are most likely cherries or pomegranate seeds, and I believe the beige hunks to be bread. What’s inside? Who knows? ME. But now I’m having second thoughts about eating them...

8.

Lemon and Lime Fish Pop

Description: The great taste of lemon and lime combined with our original tuna fish pop.

Well, it’s original, right? And there are so many different flavors that they have to be a popular line. I don’t know. There’s just something unnerving about the way that fish pop stares at me. But listen! This food had educational value! For one thing, who knew tunas had such puffy lips? And for another, this will make you want to go to culinary school just to learn how on Neopia such a culinary disaster occurred!

9.

Mayo-Doused Batter-Fried Grackle Bugs with Honey Walnuts

Description: This meal takes a lot of time and is considered a delicacy.

Urp! A delicacy, you say? You’d better hope so, that you don’t have to eat it often. I’m not saying it MIGHT not taste good. I just haven’t tried mixing mayo with honey walnuts (and honestly am not brave enough to try it). But you can, if you want! Let me know the results. Anyway, back to the Grackle Bug. ...Urp!

10.

Sherbet Gravy

Description: You’ve never had sherbet like this before!

No, no, I haven’t. Just look at the way the thick brown gravy melts the soft orange scoops of sherbet. Look how dreamily the meaty sauce drips down the peaks of cold dessert. Look at what an amazing description that was. What, I’m going to use my best descriptions in an article about weird food?! No way. Next!

(Oh, and is that a bowl or a plate the sherbet is on?)

11.

Banana Yogurt Hot Dog

Description: Don’t say eurgh! until you have tried it, it’s actually quite nice.

Well, if you say so... *taste test*

Hello? This is Maja, Darth’s pet, speaking. Darth has had a little mishap and is currently in the Neopian Hospital for food-related issues. After regaining consciousness, she said in a statement directed towards the article, “To be specific, I said ‘ughhh’ and not ‘eurgh’.”

12.

Shark Sandwich

Description: Two slices of buttered bread garnished with a fresh fin. How bizarre!

Hello again. I’ve been released from the Neopian Hospital and should be fine as long as I (and I quote the Gelert doctor) “stay away from all and any banana, yogurt, and hot dog related food products for the foreseeable eternity”, and I have also signed an oath not to taste test any more foods for the duration of this article.

But I am here to talk about the Shark Sandwich, not hot-dog-related health issues!

Don’t worry, this sandwich, by description, is only GARNISHED with a shark fin. So if you want, you can just remove it and have some bread and butter. Or you could be daring and try it with the shark fin still in it. I would, but like I said, doctor’s orders.

And that about concludes our article! There are many more bizarre foods out in Neopia, so go hunting! It may even make a good gallery theme. Thanks for reading, and remember: never try the banana yogurt hot dog. Ciao!

 
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