The Voice of Neopia: Special 500th Issue Report
The 500th issue of the Neopian Times is finally upon us. This marks 500 weeks of helpful game guides, epic series, and punny editorial answers-starting from Y2 and lasting all the way until now, the beautiful year 13. The Neopian Times have seen some of the greatest events in Neopian history, and now this great event will go down in Neopian history. Readers are thrilled at the humor and entertainment this specific issue brings. Writers all over Neopia have dedicated their hours to specialized 500th edition works, striving to submit their funniest comics, most educating articles, and the most creative short stories. It is a time for celebration, appreciation, and scrambling to obtain that special Neopian Times Writer avatar.
We know about the reaction of these writers and readers to this special issue, but what about the many other citizens across Neopia? Some are absolutely delighted that the Neopian Times have reached this point. Queen Fyora of Faerieland, for example, is simply ecstatic. “This marks a major milestone in Neopian history,” she stated proudly. “The Neopian Times is a way that creative Neopians can share their talents with everyone. Everyone has been better off with the Neopian Times, and the fact that it has lasted for 500 issues is something to cherish.”
Equally appreciative was King Hagan of Brightvale himself. “These papers have helped me make important judgments about the rule of Brightvale,” he said. “I look forward to every week, as it increases my knowledge of Neopia.” With further questioning, King Hagan revealed that he has had nearly every issue of the Neopian Times analyzed, archived, and mostly memorized, except for a historic issue 39 which he lost prematurely in a bet to his brother Skarl. The fact that King Hagan learns from the Neopian Times points out a rare flaw in the existence of the newspaper--the more issues, the wiser King Hagan gets, making it harder to impress him with wisdom and thus harder to cheat him out of prizes.
King Skarl of Meridell was next to offer his opinion on this milestone for the famed Neopian newspaper. “Bah,” he said, “those papers have no substance in them except for the comics. Readin’ Neopian Times comics is better than sitting twennyone hours on a throne listening to users babble about Peophins an’ tin cans.” King Skarl, interesting enough, has never read an article, short story, or series in the Neopian Times. In his words, “comics are the only true form of writin’, and I am mighty proud to see that 500 issues with lotsa comics have been published”.
Not every Neopian treasures the Neopian Times, though. Jhudora, the infamous dark faerie, has dreaded the coming of this 500th issue. “The Neopian Times are full of fluff and giant lint balls,” she proclaimed. “They are absolutely biased and always feature me as extremely evil, which is nice, but also extremely stupid, which is definitely not nice. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen the pathetic ‘Jhudora’s bluffing’ joke in the Neopian Times. They are absolutely useless, and the 500th issue will just add another layer of dirt under my fingernails.”
It shouldn’t be surprising that Dr. Frank Sloth is also fed up with the numerous articles, stories, and comics depicting him as a bumbling fool. From an unconfirmed location, he discussed the 500th issue via a Virtupets intercom. “The Neopian Times are a primitive collection of raw, undeveloped thoughts,” he stated dryly. “My extremely developed and competent communication systems used in the Virtupets station are superior to the simplicity of any newspaper. The fact that normal Neopians still rely on such a primordial mechanism to exchange information is preposterous. And yet, the Neopian Times constantly mock me for my superiority--hah! Wait until I dominate Neopia...”
Balthazar, the faerie-capturing, petpet-eating Lupe, wasn’t very happy about this newspaper’s milestone either. When told that the Neopian Times had reached 500 issues, he proceeded to scream, “500 ISSUES IS 500 LOST PETPETS!” Apparently Balthazar is not pleased about the numerous guides on extreme herding that have been published by the Neopian Times in the past few months. “I c’not eat ‘cos of the Neopian Times! That Kacheek is too good at herding because of it,” he growled menacingly. “And worse, the dratted newspaper also tells normal Neopians howta free the bottled faeries. The faeries just give them special abilities and I can never seem to defeat pets in the Battledome anymore.”
Although the reactions of Jhudora, Sloth, and Balthazar weren’t exactly ideal, at least they had an opinion. The Tonu Guard of the Magma Pool was clueless as to even what the Neopian Times was. “I don’t have time to read silly scribbles,” he exclaimed as he waved his spear in the air. “I am a Moltaran guard of the highest type, and I refuse to even acknowledge the existence of a pithy paper.” Upon showing him a short story featuring the Magma Pool, though, the Tonu Guard immediately became engrossed in reading it. Do not be surprised if the Tonu guard seems different the next time you try to sneak past him, as his life has been drastically improved by the addition of the Neopian Times.
But the greatest, most touching 500th issue reaction was that of an ordinary white Weewoo. The white Weewoo is an iconic symbol of the Neopian Times and its influence. It was through the Neopian Times that the white Weewoo was able to come into existence, and that is something the petpet species does not take for granted. I was able to encounter a white Weewoo named Hedwig. I was able to convince her Neopet owner to ask her what she thought of the 500th issue. An unexpected reaction followed; instead of chirping or flying in a circle, Hedwig shot into the air rapidly with a drawn-out, melodious twitter. She landed on my forearm and nipped affectionately at my sleeve, then permitted me to stroke and hold her for nearly ten minutes before flapping away triumphantly back to her owner. It was a touching and extremely moving moment, and for a minute I thought the experience could make up for my large collection of rejection letters from the editor of the Neopian Times.
Everybody in Neopia has been affected by the Neopian Times at one time or another and this 500th issue is a mark of that great influence. We should celebrate this accomplishment with vigor. So go write a letter of appreciation to the editor or sip a cup of hot chocolate as you browse through this special issue. Long live the Neopian Times!