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The Yellow Paper Airplane Show: Episode III


by amicaverbi

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[Setting: a small studio; the doorway contains a steel barrier that appears to have been violently torn apart. Sitting at a desk on one side of the room is an Aisha whose nametag reads KALIIOX and his owner, BOREALIS, who is holding a silver remote control that seems to have been repaired with duct tape at some point. At side of the room there are five desks; a Neopet sits at each one but the last, which is empty. The nametags on the desks read: DELMA, in front of a Faerie Zafara in a pink and purple Yooyuball uniform; STAN, in front of a shifty-looking Kyrii; QUAGLOR, in front of an adventurously-dressed Quiggle; DORAK, in front of a young Krawk who looks vaguely like some kind of pirate, if not a very good one; and, in front of the empty desk, FYORA.]

BOREALIS: Hello and welcome to the Yellow Paper Airplane Show, Neopia's newest quiz show!

KALIIOX: Actually, the Yellow Paper Airplane Show is not Neopia's newest quiz show; a new one just opened down the street.

BOREALIS: ...second-to-newest?

KALIIOX: No.

BOREALIS: ...welcome to the Yellow Paper Airplane Show, a vaguely new quiz show! This is the third episode. I'm Borealis, the host, and this is Kaliiox, my fact-checker. And these are the contestants! Contestants... wait, no, after what happened in the last two episodes I'll just introduce you. There's Delma Harrence, left defender on the Faerieland Yooyuball team. There's Stan, that guy from the impossibly hard game--what's it called, Stan?

STAN: Grand Theft Ummagine... but I'm not a thief, really!

BOREALIS: Right. There's Quaglor, from the other hard game--Faerie Caves II.

QUAGLOR [doffing his hat]: 'Lo, mate.

BOREALIS: And then we have Dorak, from one of my favorite games, Dubloon Disaster.

DORAK: This is really much better than being chased by mines.

BOREALIS: And, last but certainly not least, Queen Fyora!

[There is an astonishing lack of Queen Fyora in the room.]

BOREALIS: ...Queen Fyora? Kaliiox, where is Queen Fyora?

KALIIOX: Presumably, in Faerieland.

BOREALIS: Well, why is she in Faerieland? Why isn't she here?

KALIIOX: She did not answer a Neomail request to appear on the show.

BOREALIS: Hmm, maybe she watched the previous episodes. Well, that means that we need a fifth contestant... again. People are failing to show up on this show with absolutely embarrassing regularity. Well, who should I bring on?

[Borealis waves the remote control around, then looks at it.]

BOREALIS: Hmm, it might not be the best idea to use this. It broke last episode, and it still malfunctions a lot, even though I taped it back together. In fact, I'd like the question the inclusion of a "break in half" button.

STAN: But you pressed it?

BOREALIS: I didn't know it was a break in half button! This remote isn't labeled in English. I have no clue what any of the buttons do. Well, except for the break in half button, which I've taped over to make sure I don't press it.

STAN: ...you bought a remote labeled in a language you don't understand.

BOREALIS: It was cheaper than the English one. You can understand that, can't you?

STAN: I'm not a thief!

BOREALIS: Never said you were, just thought you had the look of a bargain shopper.

STAN [suspiciously]: I'm not--oh. Bargain shopper. Uh... right.

DELMA: Don't you think that takes bargain shopping to the ridiculous, tightwad, self-endangering level?

BOREALIS: Wait, you're supposed to not do self-endangering things?

QUAGLOR [to Borealis]: I'm as surprised as you are.

BOREALIS: In fact, no one here is exactly a paragon of safety. Stan, you're always being chased by those Elephantes--

STAN: I'm not a thief!

DORAK [sarcastically]: Riiiight.

BOREALIS: Quaglor, you spend most of your time spelunking in perilous caves...

STAN: Spelunking?

BOREALIS: It's a word!

KALIIOX: It means the exploration of caves, particularly as a hobby.

BOREALIS: Dorak, you're busy on a rowboat with mines after you, all for a few Dubloons. And Delma, you're a Yooyuball player. Between the Fire Yooyus and the Clockwork Yooyus and the screaming fans and being a member of what is, regrettably, not a very high-placing team--although we beat Moltara!--you're not exactly living in a silk cocoon.

[There is a long silence.]

BOREALIS: Okay, now I'm getting too philosophical. Let's just get someone on here.

[Borealis presses a button on her remote and a white Meepit appears.]

BOREALIS: Oh, GM!

[GM chatters angrily.]

BOREALIS: Yes, I do remember what happened last time. But this'll be different, I promise! This time I won't break the remote in half!

[GM continues to chatter.]

BOREALIS: Ow, that sounds painful. Fine, you can go back to Rainy's lab.

[Borealis presses another button on the remote and GM disappears.]

STAN: You speak Meepit?

BOREALIS: No, I was just guessing. Maybe he just wanted to know the price of fish. But since no one here can understand what he's saying, he's not a very good contestant.

KALIIOX: I speak Meepit.

BOREALIS: Great, you'll have to teach me someday. But we still need a fifth contestant. Hmm, let me think...

[Borealis pulls a battered copy of the Neopedia out from under the table and flips to the As.]

BOREALIS: Oh, that's it!

[Borealis presses a button on the remote control and a small Bori in winter gear appears in the room.]

BOREALIS: See, it's Armin!

ARMIN: W-what's going on?

[Armin pulls out a slingshot and loads it, but can't seem to figure out who to aim at.]

BOREALIS [muttering]: Do I have to go the whole introduction again?

DELMA: Please don't.

QUAGLOR: 'Ayhaps you could give th' li'l green'orn a wee bit of info?

BOREALIS [looking stunned]: That is the worst mishmash of dialects and accents I have ever heard.

QUAGLOR [tips his hat]: Thankee kindly, marm.

BOREALIS [recovering]: But... at its core Quaglor's suggestion is a good idea. Armin, you're on the Yellow Paper Airplane Show, a trivia game show. I've brought you on because Fyora failed to show up, so we need a fifth contestant. Go sit over there and answer as many questions as you can.

ARMIN: Why?

BOREALIS: Er... so that you can win fabulous prizes! [mutters] As long as you consider random stuff that happens to be in my inventory fabulous.

ARMIN: Uh... okay.

[Armin sits down at the fifth desk.]

BOREALIS: Great! We'll just have to do something about that name tag.

[Borealis presses a button on the remote. Armin's name plate changes to read "Borealis, you fail."]

BOREALIS: Well, that's not very nice. Maybe I shouldn't have left the remote in Rainy's room... or borrowed her equipment... I don't think she liked that... Anyway, now that we have all five of our contestants, let's start with the questions! First, name three Neopets introduced for the first time in the plot "The Faeries' Ruin."

DELMA: Hanso, Xandra, and Brynn.

BOREALIS: Good, you get a point. For another point, name the five characters plotters had to free in Chapter Nine of the Faeries' Ruin. One point for each name.

STAN: Bob?

BOREALIS: Uh... Kaliiox?

KALIIOX: That is incorrect.

DELMA: Oscar?

BOREALIS: ... Kaliiox? [whispers] I don't remember these names!

KALIIOX: That is correct. One point to Delma.

DORAK [cluelessly]: Steve? John? James? Rumplestiltskin? Alpha? Bravo? Charlie?

KALIIOX: Charlie was one of the names. Dorak gets one point.

QUAGLOR: Flanagan? Corn? Ninety-five?

[Everyone stares at Quaglor.]

STAN: Joe? Larry? Moe? Curly? Mike? Lucas? Are we talking about guys or girls?

KALIIOX: Mike is correct.

BOREALIS: All right, I think that's it for that question. Let's go over the score. Kaliiox?

KALIIOX: Delma is in the lead with two points. Dorak and Stan each have one point. Quaglor and Armin each have zero points.

BOREALIS: Let's see if we can remedy that! Armin, if you were writing a game show question, what would it be?

ARMIN: ...is that my question?

BOREALIS: Yes.

ARMIN: How is this going to be scored?

BOREALIS: Just answer!

ARMIN: All right, uh... What happened to Taelia in the Hannah in the Ice Caves Plot?

BOREALIS: Nice, you get a point.

ARMIN: Can I answer the question?

BOREALIS: No.

DELMA: Wasn't she frozen?

BOREALIS: Was she?

DELMA: That's what I'm asking.

BOREALIS: You're supposed to be answering.

DELMA: ...She was frozen.

BOREALIS [happily]: That's right! One point for Delma. Next question. This one should be right up your alley, Dorak: How many points do you need to score in Dubloon Disaster 2 to get the avatar?

DORAK: Uh... um...

STAN: How can you not know the answer? It's about your game! I want a question about my game.

[Stan begins to sulk.]

BOREALIS: That'll be next.

[Stan's sulking ceases.]

DORAK: Well, I'm not very good at my game. I can never score high enough to get the avatar.

[There is a moment of fairly stunned silence.]

QUAGLOR: Well then, you're as hornswoggled as a groundhog in May, aren'tcha?

[The stunned silence devours several more moments.]

BOREALIS: That's the least comprehensible sentence I have ever heard.

KALIIOX: Actually, I believe that the least comprehensible sentence you have heard in my company is "Mmfff mmmm mmf!" during the first episode of this show, when Qaf was trying to talk around his gag. Of course, whether that truly comprises a sentence is open to debate--

BOREALIS: Kaliiox?

KALIIOX: Yes?

BOREALIS: My earlier statement was not intended to be accurate.

KALIIOX [confused]: But--

BOREALIS: Why don't you give us the score?

KALIIOX: Delma is in the lead with three points. Armin, Dorak, and Stan are tied for second with one point each. Quaglor is in last with zero points.

DORAK: 2,500!

BOREALIS, DELMA, and STAN [together]: What?

QUAGLOR: What hugger-mugger is this?

DORAK: That's the answer to my question. You need at least 2,500 points to get the avatar in Dubloon Disaster 2.

BOREALIS: If Quaglor had said that, I'd probably institute a time limit, but you get one point.

QUAGLOR: Eh?

STAN [to Quaglor]: Just don't talk.

BOREALIS: Hmm... I think we'll have three more questions and then tally up the points and declare a winner.

STAN: You promised me a question about my game.

BOREALIS: Right, I did. In Hungry Skeith, what three colors of jelly must be sorted?

STAN [bewildered]: That's not my game! I'm in Grand Theft Ummagine!

BOREALIS: Are you? You aren't at the moment. Now, someone answer the question.

QUAGLOR: Cyan, sanguine, and viridescent.

BOREALIS: That is... technically... generally correct. Ah, have a point. [mutters] You're not going to win anyway.

DELMA: Aren't game show hosts supposed to be fair?

BOREALIS: Yup. That's why the paperwork says Kaliiox's the host. Anyway! Two more questions. Hmm... in the 2011 Daily Dare, what was the score required to beat AAA in Dubloon Disaster?

STAN: Unfair! That's two questions about Dorak's game and none about mine! You promised me a question! You promised, you promised, you promised!

[Stan throws his name tag across the room, stands up, and begins to bawl and shout incomprehensibly. He appears to be in the middle of a tantrum. Delma, Armin, and Dorak appear uncomfortable; Quaglor and Kaliiox seem oblivious, and Borealis begins to play with her remote.]

BOREALIS: If I can just find the right button...

ARMIN [raising his voice to be heard over Stan]: Isn't the required score 900?

BOREALIS [not paying attention]: Hold that thought, I'll just be a moment.

[Borealis hits several buttons on her remote. Armin turns into a Mootix. It is difficult to decipher the facial expressions of Mootix, but he does not appear pleased with the change.]

DELMA: Borealis! Armin just--put him down!

[Dorak, who has been attempting to slip Armin into his pocket, starts guiltily and drops Armin back onto the desk.]

BOREALIS: Well, that wasn't what I meant to do. Um... this should...

DELMA [stiffly]: I would appreciate it if you would not use that remote control. It seems to be rather dangerous.

BOREALIS [continued pressing buttons]: Well, maybe a little, but you've got to have some excitement in life, don't you? Wait, didn't we have that conversation at the beginning of the show? Ah, got it!

[Borealis presses a button and Stan turns into a Duocorn.]

STAN: Plllr? Pllr!

BOREALIS: Much better. Now, Armin, what did you say?

ARMIN: [squeaks]

DELMA: Borealis, you turned him into a Mootix.

BOREALIS: Oh. Kaliiox, what did Armin say?

KALIIOX: He said, "Isn't the required score 900?"

BOREALIS: Well, it isn't, but it was, so he can have a point.

DELMA: I'm sure that he would prefer to be a Bori again!

QUAGLOR: You ain't whistlin' Dixie.

DELMA [to Quaglor]: Oh, shut up! [looks shocked] Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.

[Quaglor does not seem to have noticed her rudeness.]

BOREALIS [ignoring contestants]: One more question. And it is... what is the name of the third level of Grand Theft Ummagine?

STAN [crestfallen]: Plllllr?

BOREALIS [to Stan]: Well, I did promise you a question.

[Stan looks rather annoyed, although it is difficult for a Duocorn to appear annoyed.]

DORAK: It's "The Last Oasis Before the City," right?

BOREALIS: Right! That's our last question, so now let's go to Kaliiox for the standings!

KALIIOX: Dorak and Delma are tied for first with three points each. Armin is in third with two points. Stan and Quaglor are tied for last place with one point each.

BOREALIS: All right then! Here are the prizes. First is my undying loyalty, second is a Bori Morphing Potion, and third is a berth in my Duocorn army.

QUAGLOR: What if I don't want--

BOREALIS: Prizes must be accepted.

DORAK [muttering]: I'd rather have a Bori Morphing Potion than undying loyalty. You can sell a potion; can you sell loyalty?

BOREALIS: Here's a potion for Armin!

[Borealis retrieves a Bori Morphing Potion from under her table and places it on Armin's desk. She opens the potion and pours it on top of Armin as he tries to drink it. Armin turns back into a Bori and immediately flees from the studio.]

BOREALIS: Well, that was rather rude. He didn't even say thank you. Anyway, now for Stan and Quaglor's prize.

[Quaglor copies Armin and flees. Stan tries to flee, but Borealis catches him by the tail and carries him out of the studio, cooing something about seaweed.]

STAN: Pllllllr?

DORAK [muttering]: And I thought this was better than being chased by mines.

The End

 
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