Stand behind yer sheriff Circulation: 185,044,774 Issue: 492 | 29th day of Eating, Y13
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Dear Doctor Sloth


by fredwulfa

--------

Dear Doctor Sloth,

     I used to be a Mutant Grundo. I think you should know that from the beginning. I didn't ask for Boochi to zap me as I wandered through Faerieland. Sometimes I don't feel we Grundos get the respect we deserve in other lands, but that's getting off topic. Yes, there is a topic. This isn't just neofanmail. I'm not trying to inflate your ego here.

     I was a very good Mutant Grundo. I did my work well, or as well as any permanently 'dim' being can. I never complained. This is before Boochi. I hate Boochi, did I mention that? I spent hours - yes, long hours - at the Trading Post, haggling for a transmogrification potion. It tasted a bit like socks and something sour, but I drank it anyway. I'm faithful to you like that.

     I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really look up to you, Dr Sloth, and not just in a fannish way. I think of you as my father.

     The topic, you ask? FIX ME.

     Please and thank you,

     Wheeezer

     *

     WHEEZER,

     NO. I HATE FANMAIL.

     DOCTOR SLOTH

     *

     Dear Doctor Sloth,

     I think you're being unreasonable here. I'm sure you can fix me, if you put your mind to it. You must, at the very least, have some spare neopoints in your back pocket, right? I have a bank account, but Fredwulfa's banned me from dipping all three fingers into it, I'm afraid. She's weird like that.

     Or a ray. You must have a ray to fix me with. You have rays for everything, right? That's what we admire about you: your ray-building abilities. Also your cloak.

     I think I'm being quite rational in my requests. Surely you want more followers. I'm your biggest one, and I think maybe you know that.

     You're not threatened, are you? I'm not trying to commandeer your evil empire or anything, I'm honestly just sick of having to wear a diaper.

     Regards,

     Wheeezer

     *

     WHEEZER

     SILENCE. I SAID NO.

     DOCTOR SLOTH

     *

     Dear Doctor Sloth,

     I think you have rage problems. Don't worry; I understand what you're going through. Well, theoretically anyway. I think, being 'dim', I don't get real rage. I get irritated, though, like when STUPID BOOCHI TURNS YOU INTO A BABY AGAIN. I know rage, Doctor Sloth. Help me with my problem, and I can help you in return, okay?

     Zip, zap - that's what I think the ray should sound like. Am I right? Zip, zap, and I can be big again. And I'll help you work through your rage. I've read a book before, you know; a whole book. It was about breathing techniques, and I can teach you some if you fix me. Deal?

     Think it over Doctor Sloth, it's really a fair deal.

     Have a nice weekend,

     Wheeezer

     *

     WHEEEZER

     RAGE? I'LL SHOW YOU RAGE.

     DOCTOR SLOTH

     *

     Dear Doctor Sloth,

     I found it strange to get a package from you rather than a letter. There's really no need to include Green Slime and Eggs Delight in the box; it's rotted everywhere. I'm sure the intent was pleasant, but they must have gone off in the mail and they smell really bad, Doctor Sloth. Even my brother, Jucety, won't eat them, and goodness me, he eats everything.

     I know you're working on the ray now, for me. Maybe you can change Jucety, too? Sketch Yurbles are just... not cool.

     I've been increasing my dietary intake again, in preparation. I used to eat rather a lot, and all this baby food just won't do when I'm big again. There are many reasons - many, many reasons, I'm sure you'll agree - to hate Boochi, but baby food is absolutely the worst. I'm more than 2,000 days old, Doctor Sloth; I shouldn't have to eat pureed banana three times a day. It's not right.

     I know you have a heart, somewhere, Doctor Sloth, and that you'll fix me.

     Keep safe,

     Wheeezer

     *

     WHEEEZER

     WHAT IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU?

     DOCTOR SLOTH

     *

     Dear Doctor Sloth,

     Oh, I never introduced myself! Pardon me for assuming you know all your loyal subjects. That's an oversight I won't make again. I know there are so many of us it must be hard to keep track.

     See, my owner, Fredwulfa, she thinks she is somewhat of a rebel. She had this Kau, who just wasn't at all cool, and so she re-homed him, and she went to the Virtupets Space Station and she adopted me. I think you'll like her, Doctor Sloth. She's pretty loyal to you, too. She gave me some books, Doctor Sloth, and I'm 'above average' now. Think what an awesome Mutant Grundo I'll make with such a high IQ! My strength is herculean, Doctor Sloth, HERCULEAN.

     I have two brothers and a sister. They're all... we won't call them boring, but they're not me, Doctor Sloth. You'll like me.

     I saw your image in an omelette once, and I kept that omelette.

     I just want to be a real Mutant Grundo again, Doctor Sloth. I am one at heart. Surely you understand this. It's like you and being evil. You can't have on without the other. I'm supposed to be able to reach the spinner on The Wheel of Excitement by myself, not have to stand on my brother's back. That's not fair.

     Your biggest supporter,

     Wheeezer

     *

     WHEEEZER

     CEASE AND DESIST OR I'LL CONTACT DEFENDERS OF NEOPIA.

     DOCTOR SLOTH

     *

     Dear Doctor Sloth,

     You play Defenders of Neopia, too? I love that game! We have so much in common. I think we're finally seeing eye-to-eye now. Not totally, because you're really quite tall, and I'm still a baby (when are we fixing that, again?).

     I think you might also like Kass Basher. It's good for getting out your frustrations. Or in your case, rage. Remember to only hit it when the wind speed is 9, okay.

     My brother, Jucety, says you're just humouring me, so as not to hurt my feelings, but I can tell by your replies you really care about me, Doctor Sloth. Likewise! I think you know that, though. We seem to somehow have lost sight of the topic: my becoming a Mutant Grundo again. I hear, from around the Virtupets Station, it's a fairly simple procedure for you to undertake.

     Thinking of you,

     Wheeezer

     *

     WHEEEZER

     KASS BASHER? 9?

     LEAVE ME TO MY PLOTTING.

     DOCTOR SLOTH

     *

     Dear Doctor Sloth,

     Oh yeah, it's a great game once you get past the hitting it with a baguette stage. I think I'd have to play a really long time to get another transmogrification potion, though. It's really not cost-effective for us at the moment. Jucety's only 'average' smart, because he doesn't like books, and really all our neopoints are going on him right now. I'm sure you understand that, Doctor Sloth. Even you can't be as evil as to want a poor Yurble to be 'average' forever.

     What do you say we meet in the Hanger sometime soon? Make it daylight, though. I know that's not ideal for you, but unfortunately I'm still a baby. I raise suspicions being out alone at night, you see. Just another reason to hate Boochi, right?

     I'm really looking forward to meeting you, Doctor Sloth. I know you won't be seeing me at my best, still being a baby and all, but once you fix me and see me at my best - well, let's just say you'll be pleasantly surprised.

     All my best,

     Wheeezer

     *

     WHEEEZER

     I FOUND KASS BASHER TO BE THERAPUTIC.

     DOCTOR SLOTH

     *

     Dear Doctor Sloth,

     Well, that's good, I suppose. Maybe we can play together sometime? You know, after you've fixed me and all. You can be first to bat.

     Love,

     Wheeezer

     *

     WHEEEZER

     THAT SOUNDS APPROPRIATE; I LOST MY KASS.

     DOCTOR SLOTH

The End

 
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