How Not To Impress Your Valentine

But what’s that? No, could it be? You have a valentine? Well, that’s bad news. But fear not, because I may be able to help.

If you want to make it out of the day alive, read the following tips. Follow them to the letter. If successful, you’ll be kissing that valentine goodbye! No pun intended.

Warning: Side effects from following this guide may ensue. Along with a broken heart, your valentine may also suffer anger problems, emotional breakdowns and overproduction of tears. You may suffer a lot of injury, primarily from them.

Return their valentine letter.

That letter, that destructive, evil letter, is the reason you are in this mess. So you want to make sure your valentine understands where you stand in the matter. But before you send it back, get creative. Get careless. Oops, did you accidently spill your morning glass of orange juice? Nothing to clean it up but that letter? Well, hurry up! We don’t want it to leave a stain. Oh dear, homework due tomorrow and there’s no paper in sight? You’ll just have to write that essay on how Xandra almost became supreme ruler of Faerieland over top of those girly pink hearts. Can’t find a use for that souvenir lump of snot from beating Meuka in the Battledome? I think one particular piece of paper is dying for a paperweight...

When you’re done using this dreadful letter to mop up your hatred of the day, practice folding an origami snowball with it (aka, screw it up into a little ball) and buy a slingshot. Find your valentine, but make sure they don’t see you. Then... time to fit in a bit of target practice.

I suggest you don’t try to hurt them with the actual shot back; they’ll be hurt enough when they see the smudged letters and hearts. But don’t worry, if all goes well, you’ll be free!

Embrace the spirit of Valentines.

Darn, did the letter not faze them? Are they now asking to spend more time with you? Gasp, the situation is indeed getting desperate.

But no need to despair, there’s still plenty of time for them to reject you; you just have to give them exactly what they want. Send flowers... enough to make their Neohome explode with red and pink blooms. Give them gifts every day, such as the Dung Heart, or Ripped Valentines Chia Plushie. Serenade them under their window at two o’clock in the morning; extra points if you get a boot thrown at you. Write them poetry explaining their flaws in great detail. And make sure your brilliance with words won’t win them over regardless. Here’s an example:

I will always care for you, no matter what

Even if you don’t fix that buck tooth

That I can’t stop staring at when I see you.

You are the sovereign

Of a kingdom of mortogs

Beautiful, in your own way.

From your valentine.

PS. Seriously, fix that tooth. If I see it again I will scream.

Get it? Be repulsive. Irritating. Overexuberant. No fun to be around. Be exactly what this day means to you! If you do, they won’t be running up to you yelling ‘Pooki Bear!’ when they see you, but sprinting away screaming for help. Extra, extra points if they send the Defenders of Neopia over to get you arrested for your nauseating behaviour.

Introduce them to the family.

What? They’re still making googly eyes at you? Well, now it’s time to bring out the big guns!

Is your everyday life a constant embarrassment because your owner sets fire to the kitchen whenever they put a pot of water to the boil? Or your siblings/pets don’t pick up after themselves and your Neohome is the place people go to when Meri Acres Rubbish Dump is full? Perfect.

Even if things aren’t like that, you can easily bribe your pets/siblings to be extra annoying that night with all the Valentine’s Day candy you’re getting from that special somebody. Dirty the place up a bit, smear the petpets in mud and tell them to go wild. Make sure you wear unwashed laundry, same goes with everyone else. Set the worst cook loose in the kitchen with an inventory full of gross items (which don’t necessarily have to be food), and prepare for the best night of your life.

When they come over, act like the perfect host. Your family will do everything else for you. They should ask your valentine pestering questions, kick them from under the table, and see how long they can be poked before saying something. Then, when dinner finally comes out and it has the potential to send somebody to the Neohospital the second it comes into contact with flesh, your valentine will be scrambling out of the house for their life. Extra, extra, extra points if dinner crawls off the plate in front of them.

See? And now they will never be coming back. No need to thank me, it’s simply my job as a writer of the Neopian Times to save the world of all that is pink, romantic and sweet.

Wait, hang on a second. I recognise that glimmer in your eyes, the little giggle drooling from your lips. Please don’t tell me Valentines Day has sucked you in too? Don’t tell me that awful valentine of yours has won you over?

No, no, don’t try to explain yourself. I’m not angry. Just a little disappointed that there will be yet another couple blushing and giggling like idiots in Neopia Central, cluttering up the place.

I wish you the best of luck spending the day with your valentine.

And if things don’t work out, don’t say I didn’t warn you.