Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 184,180,878 Issue: 481 | 11th day of Awakening, Y13
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Interview With the Snowager


by basiliskglare

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P: I’m Puregaze, the faerie Scorchio, and I’m here in the Ice Caves with the infamous Snowager. He has agreed to an interview that will hopefully not involve me and lunch.

P: Good afternoon, Snowager.

S: No, it’s not. You’re one of those thieves, AREN’T YOU?

P: Eep! I’m the interviewer... Remember?

S: Oh right. Well, what do you WANT?

P: I’m here about the new game, The Wrath of the Snowager; care to tell me any details?

S: Ugh. It’s that blasted Chia. Every time I wake up, I see it running off with some of my hoard, looking ever-so-HAPPY. It makes me so MAD sometimes! It STOLE my stained glass window! And I want my STUFF back!

P: Whoa, watch the icy breath there. I’m going over here, closer to the entrance, for, erm, lighting purposes. So, uh, how do you feel about the prizes for the challenge?

S: I HATE them.

P: Actually, I think I’ll do the interview outside. The light is really poor in here. No, no, you stay there. So, why don’t you like them?

S: All the neopets running around looking like me... How would you feel if people dressed exactly like you and then did something stupid? That, in turn, makes you look stupid. The Turmaculus has been making fun of me lately, and that makes me ANGRY!

P: So, you and old Turmy know each other then?

S: Yes. Sometimes when I’m in need of sleep I hire him to watch my hoard. And he’s TERRIBLE.

P: I’m sort of scared to ask, but why?

S: I get back from my trip to the neolodge, all my neggs are GONE, the Turmaculus is ASLEEP, all the weapons are crushed under his BULK, and I see that CHIA RUNNING AWAY WITH MY HOARD!

At this point I would like to point out the Snowager was thrashing his tail around and several good sized stalagmites fell from the ceiling. One landed where I was standing earlier. Thank Fyora for bad lighting.

P: I-I see... I need t-to leave s-soon. I’m l-late for... that thing. A-Any thoughts about the graphics?

S: I actually like them... EXCEPT THEY GOT MY BREATH WRONG. My breath is much mightier than their feeble depiction. Watch, mortal!

The Snowager unleashes a blood-chilling torrent of ice with a mighty roar.

P: Holy meepits, that’s c-cold.

S: They got it wrong! That insubstantial puff of smoke barely captures my inner fury. That Chia would be frozen for WEEKS, not mere seconds! And what’s with the ‘ammunition’ thing? Giant ice worms like me can blast for days on end.

P: They probably didn’t want to make the game too easy... or something. What about the game did you actually like?

S: They got the contents of my hoard down fairly accurately... But that begs the question. HOW did the game writers find THAT out? I certainly didn’t tell them! Actually, I think ‘eat game makers’ was next on my agenda after lunch. They are THIEVES, the lot of them.

PG: Um, maybe somebody told them? Or something?

S: They were working with the CHIA! I KNEW it! The whole game is a conspiracy!

P: Snowager, sir...

S: If I EVER see that Chia again, it’s dead! I’ll rip it to sheds, and...

For the younger readers, I have edited out the Snowager’s rather graphic rant.

P: Whoa, moving on. What are your opinions on the controls?

S: Arrow keys are SO overrated. And when I smack into things, I don’t die! I barrel through them, crushing their puny defenses with my massive bulk. I am INVINCIBLE!

The Snowager paused to laugh manically.

P: What about the trophies? Do you like them?

S: They are shiny and shaped like me. How could I not like them?!

P: I don’t know! I didn’t write these questions, they’re the results of a poll! OK, next one... What’s your opinion on the state of the Neopian economy?

S: ...

P: Let’s... skip that one. Here’s another, what is your favorite power up in the game?

S: Speed boost. I can move faster and RAM that Chia into the ground!

P: Really? I expected the ‘drop all loot’ power up.

S: No way! The FUN in this game is punishing the thief for its insolence.

P: Right... here’s another question; how would you improve the game?

S: Instead of running around, the Chia should be dangling by its feet so you can repeatedly blast it. And then you get bonus points for good roars. Next!

P: Erm, why do you get bigger when you reclaim treasure in the game?

S: Because.

There was a long pause.

P: Because what?

S: I don’t know, OK?! Stop asking me all these questions!

P: But it’s my job! There’s one more, and then I’ll leave you in peace.

S: Spit it out then.

P: If you could say one thing to the Chia right now, what would it be?

S: You should learn to sleep with your eyes open. And watch your back. And join the track team. And take sewing classes; your bag is broken. And brush your teeth. Your breath stinks. And look both ways when crossing the street. And carry a weapon with you at all times. And eat asparagus. And stop stealing stuff. And you’re ugly.

P: That was way more than one thing. Can you summarize it, perhaps?

S: Watch out, I’m coming to eat you, ugly. That good?

P: Really? Why not vent your anger on a plushie or something? Do you really think eating that Chia will actually help you? I mean, its family might come back to avenge its death, and then you get more thieves than you started with.

S: Hmm... Well, I GUESS I might try it...

P: Please do.

The Snowager grabbed a blue Chia plushie from his hoard and ripped it to shreds with his massive teeth. The Snowager then threw it repeatedly against the wall of his icy den until it was nothing more than a pile of fabric and stuffing.

P: Uh... Feel better?

S: I suppose... but I feel a little HUNGRY now.

P: I’m leaving now, thank you for your time.

S: No, no, I do insist you stay for LUNCH...

 
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