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A Visit to the Hospital


by fattree

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Hello, readers! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Not really? Well, whatever. I’m back and ready to torture you ONCE MORE! Today, my cheerful, pointless rant is on Neopian diseases and their peculiar cures.

Have you ever really looked at the list of cures in the Neopian Hospital, in the Plaza? Chances are you probably have, either out of boredom or need. Most likely you went away groaning at the cost of medicinal soap or sporkle syrup. You then went and bought it from the marketplace instead of the pharmacy, took it home, gave it to your pet, and (if you were a GOOD, LOVING, CARING OWNER) bought the poor pet some ice cream. But did you ever think about the cure itself? I mean, how do Herbal Scrambled eggs cure Chickaroo? Is the pet so horrified at its act of supposed cannibalism it snaps out of its chicken-imitating? Why on Neopia would rubbing Onion Balm around a pet’s eyes stop it from crying? And, of course, the most perplexing of all: Step Out Shoes. Those are supposed to make you want to leave the house? I don’t think so.

This has bothered me so much that I decided to make it bother you all, hahaha. Be annoyed! Be curious! Be perplexed and without any answers!

No, I’m not that cruel. I went and asked Dr. Gelert about all these strange and peculiar cures, and he agreed to be quoted in this article. So without further ado, the entire list of (peculiar) hospital cures and why they work. Enjoy!

Neogitus

Symptoms: Your pet’s gums become sore and swollen. It has difficulty eating or drinking.

Cure: Brush their teeth with a Medicinal Toothbrush.

My issue with it is simply one of function: Why would changing the toothbrush help? Shouldn’t you have a different sort of toothpaste, or something? And how can a toothbrush be medicinal in the first place?

Dr. Gelert simply said that the bristles in the brush are extra-soft, so as not to bother the inflamed gums. The bristles are also enriched with soothing aloe extracts. Well, I suppose there have to be some reasonable answers.

Fuzzitus

Symptoms: This is an allergy to fluff that all pets get now and then, especially bad for JubJubs!!

Cure: Shake some Fluff be Gone on their fur.

The issue here is derived from the name. Fluff be Gone? Does it simply remove all the fluff? If so, the poor pet! Also if so, how does this cure the allergy, and why isn’t this used for Gnorbu shearing? It would be so much faster.

Dr. Gelert says yes, it causes fluff to simply fall out (I am now possessed of an insane desire to experiment with this on my Lupe). The pet often contracts Neophobia shortly afterward, refusing to leave the house in their shame. He had no answer as to why it isn’t used for Gnorbu shearing.

Achy Head

Symptoms: Your pet will have a nasty headache and feel very under the weather.

Cure: Rub some Magic Goop on their head.

Magic Goop. Yes, that sounds very promising, doesn’t it? For all we know it could be made out of pickled mortog tongues. Who wants to rub that all over their head?

Dr. Gelert’s reply is not particularly encouraging. He has no idea what’s in it -just that the Faeries make it and it works. I feel safer already.

Shock –A- Lots

Symptoms: Your pet’s fur will be full of static and anything it touches will give off electric sparks.

Cure: Wearing Ultra Rubber Gloves.

I’m confused here. Does the cure involve having your pet wear the gloves? If so, they don’t look very pet friendly. I mean, could you imagine putting those on a JubJub? Over what? Its feet? If not, does the owner wear the gloves? They look far more suited to that purpose, but how is that supposed to cure the disease?

Dr. Gelert says that the disease actually goes away by itself. Or it would, if the pet stopped coming into contact with humans. Apparently human skin is dry enough to amplify the static electricity in a pet’s skin, thereby worsening the disease. Thus, the human wears Ultra Rubber Gloves, and the disease eventually just dies off. Aren’t you glad I’m here to tell you these things?

Watery Eyes

Symptoms: Your pet will look like it is constantly crying even though it may well be quite happy.

Cure: Rub Onion Balm around their eyes.

One thing here: Onion Balm? To stop you from crying?

Dr. Gelert: It’s a misnomer.

Right, let’s call a cure by the name of the vegetable that could cause symptoms of the disease. Very reasonable!

NeoBlues

Symptoms: Your pet is feeling very down in the dumps; it shows little or no interest in playing or eating anything.

Cure: A Tasty Pie will cheer them!!!

So... if the pet shows no interest in eating anything, what do you do with the pie? Smash it in their face? Throw it at them?

Dr. Gelert says that the smell of it is simply enough to make them interested in eating it. Well, all right.

Cricky Neck

Symptoms: Ouch – your pet’s neck is very stiff and it can’t move its head at all.

Cure: Wear a special Neck Brace.

Well, my issue with this is very obvious. What on earth do you do if a JubJub catches this?

Dr. Gelert said, basically, that you simple enclose the entire JubJub in one giant brace. I think I want to see this.

Sneezles

Symptoms: Your pet will have a runny nose and sneeze constantly.

Cure: Give them a Magic Cookie

A magic cookie? Really? We know how well I trust things like Magic Goop.

Dr. Gelert’s reply is basically the same; he has no clue, but it works. I’m reassured, aren’t you?

D’achoo

Symptoms: Your pet will go into a massive sneezing fit, and its eyes will become very sore.

Cure: Wipe their nose with Neopkins.

I’m just curious here on two points: One, how does wiping a pet’s nose make its eyes stop hurting, and Two: Do JubJubs, Jetsams, Quiggles, and Shoyrus even have noses?

Dr. Gelert explained that in the case of the above mentioned pets, you simply wipe the approximate area where their noses should be, and that works. He offered to call Meuka to explain the other point, but I declined, as I really liked the shirt I was wearing that day and didn’t need snot dripped on it.

Shaky Flakys

Symptoms: Your pet will start trembling uncontrollably and its skin will be dry. In extreme cases, the skin may even start to flake off.

Cure: Rub some Shaky Flaky Cream on their skin.

This cure item scares me. Why, exactly, is it shaking?

Dr. Gelert says it contains intense magical properties and that it’s too expensive to package it in a heavier container that wouldn’t shake. I suppose if it makes a cure cheaper, I’m all for it.

Chickaroo

Symptoms: Your pet will think it is a chicken, pecking the ground for food and crowing at dawn.

Cure: Feed them Herbal Scrambled Eggs.

So exactly how are we going to coax a pet that thinks it is a chicken into a supposed act of cannibalism? Also, how do pets with flat faces such as JubJubs, Quiggles, and the like peck the ground? Also also, how exactly does feeding a pet eggs cure a mental problem?

Dr. Gelert says that we should simply force-feed the eggs to our pets, qualms of cannibalism aside. Apparently the supposed act of cannibalism horrifies the pet so much, it attempts to deny it, and the easiest way to deny that is to deny that the eggs were from the same species. The easiest way to do that is to go back to normal. He didn’t explain how JubJubs could peck the ground.

Bloaty Feet

Symptoms: Your pet’s feet will swell and grow in size until you give them the necessary antidote.

Cure: Make them wear some Magic Smelly Socks.

Many issues with this! One, what do you do if a Kiko or other footless pet contracts this disease? Two, if the pet’s feet are swollen in size, how do you force the socks over them? Three, why is it necessary that they are smelly socks? Four, magic? Again?

Dr. Gelert said that the socks are extra-extra large, allowing you to fit a pet’s foot in them. Pets without feet contracting this disease usually swell in other appendages used for movement, such as fins for Peophins or wings for Hissies. The extra largeness of the socks also helps you force said socks over these places unusually covered by socks. The smelliness was apparently a side effect of the magic, which he could not explain. Again.

Neophobia

Symptoms: A chronic fear of leaving the house.

Cure: Make them wear a pair of Step Out Shoes.

...This doesn’t even need to be stated, I don’t think... but I will. Step Out Shoes make you want to leave the house?

Dr. Gelert’s reply, verbatim: “Erm... yes. They were originally designed with young girl pets in mind, you see, since they’re the most prone to this disease. But apparently it’s very effective for boys, too... you just threaten him with them.” Well, all right.

NeoPox

Symptoms: If your pet has NeoPox it will be covered in very itchy, contagious red blotches.

Cure: Feed them a slice of NeoPox Pizza.

...Pizza? Really?

Dr. Gelert says that the cure actually tastes horribly disgusting, unless you mix it with tomato sauce, cheese, and dough. This lead to the obvious idea of pizza. And who doesn’t like pizza?

NeoWarts

Symptoms: Your pet will have big cauliflower like lumps growing on its body.

Cure: Feed them some Neowart Fungus

...This looks poisonous. Should you really give it to a sick pet?

Dr. Gelert says that actually, yes, it is poisonous. When I stopped ranting about quack doctors slowly killing off the population, he explained that it was only poisonous to the cauliflower-like lumps. So long as you only eat a little, it will never affect you negatively.

Bubbles

Symptoms: Your poor pet will constantly hiccup bubbles.

Cure: Give them a Bubbles Herbal Drink.

I was perplexed. Giving a pet something bubbly... stops them from producing bubbles? Hmm?

Dr. Gelert explained that the bubbles in the Bubbles Herbal Drink expand in your pet’s stomach, eventually exploding and causing any of the bubbles produced by the pet to come flying out as one ginormous bubble. Unfortunately, this bubble releases a terrible smell when it pops. Better out than in, I suppose.

Jitters

Symptoms: If you notice that your pet runs around constantly and just can’t seem to sit still to sleep, eat or do anything it might have this disease.

Cure: Feed your pet a Potion of Containment.

...If our pet is running around like crazy, how are we supposed to make them sit still long enough to feed them this potion??

Dr. Gelert offered to give me a crash course in the most effective way to tackle and force feed a wriggling pet, but I declined. If you ever need to know how to work this, they’re 500 neopoints an hour at the Neopian Hospital.

Spyder Bite

Symptoms: Caused by a bite from a wild Spyder, your pet will appear very afraid of the Spider Grundo and Spyders.

Cure: Feed your pet Spyder Juice Elixir.

If our pet is currently terrified of spiders, how on Neopia are we supposed to get near it with a bottle that looks like a Spyder??

Dr. Gelert’s entire reply: “Take it up with Marketing.” I love how eager our doctors are to make life easier for us, don’t you?

Well, there you have it. A complete complement of all the strangest cures and or diseases that exist on Neopia. Aren’t you glad humans aren’t susceptible to these diseases? HE-SHOOO! Oh, I’m terribly sorry- ... looks like I spoke too soon. Can someone get me a Magic Cookie?

 
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