Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 183,130,331 Issue: 471 | 24th day of Storing, Y12
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

Potato Quest: Clash of the Clubs

by garfield22222


Altador. Land of history, majesty, petpets that are thrown around for the sake of amusement, and countless clubs. Is there any wonder why many Neopets choose this place to spend most of their free time?

      However, some of the evil doubters try to figure out who in their right mind would want to step foot in that land. Off the top of my head, I can think of the Extreme Potato Counter Wocky, who is in fact stepping foot in there right now in hopes of having an extreme time.

      Of course, all of the evil doubters will say, "That's great. Now answer the question and tell me who in their RIGHT mind would want to step foot there."

      My response? Shush.

      The radical protector of extreme potatoes was walking through this magnificent land, looking around with amazement.

      "Dude! This place is always so awesome!" he yelled to himself.

      Heading into the Exquisite Ambrosia, one of the finest places to eat at in Neopia, he was greeted by a energetic shopkeeper with a strange accent.

      "Ha! It is great orange Wocky customer!" the red Skeith joyfully greeted him. "You will be getting usual, yes?"

      "You know it, dude. One Cheesy Potato Tower, one Feta Cheese Plate, one Melted Sugar Vaeolus, and, of course, to wash it down, one Nectar of the..." pausing for dramatic effect, he finished his order off by shouting "HEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!"

      "HEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!" the shopkeeper mimicked, matching his timing perfectly with the Wocky's. "Ha ha, you are one of my favorite customers. One of the best."

      "Dude, this place is one of the most super food places ever! It like if I had a bottle of canned awesome, and I sprayed it onto an empty building, it would turn into this place's twin brother! And not one of those evil brothers that are opposite from the other one, either. It would be one of those twin brothers that is so similar to the other that it's kind of creepy!"

      "Ha ha, glad to hear it friend, glad to hear it." Thinking for a second, the Skeith continued. "Oh yes, speaking of friends, I think I see one of your friends come in five minutes ago."

      "Awesome, dude! Where is my friend now?"

      "I think she is Neopet standing behind you."

      The orange Wocky took a good look behind himself to see that there was in fact a blue Wocky wearing yellow clothes and orange sandals standing behind him.

      "Dude! Awesome running into you! How has the astronomy club been rocking under your power lately, oh supreme President?"

      "Heh, nice seeing you too, Mr. EPC. The club's been going along fine," she replied. "We've found a couple of new constellations, had some fun trips to the Icy Peak in hopes of viewing the stars in a different way, and..." Looking a little embarrassed, she sheepishly said, "Well..."

      "Wells, dude? Whoa. What a deep subject."

      "Oh, um, yeah, I guess. Well ("So deep", the EPC Wocky repeated), the thing is... we sort of have a rival club now. That's cool, I guess?"

      "Dude? The astronomy club has a rival? That might be cool. Who is it?"

      Now, fate has a funny way of working sometimes. Occasionally it gets impatient, and instead of taking the time and letting somebody explain something, it explains it in it's own way. For instance, one time, on a ship that was both giant and beautiful, the captain made a comment that it would take a mighty force to take the ship down. One of the passengers was curious, and asked the captain exactly what would be enough force. Instead of giving the captain time to give a good answer, fate sent down a Virtupets satellite to crash into the ship and cause just enough damage to break a hole into the bottom layer, causing it to spring a leak.

      Seeing this, the captain just pointed at the satellite and said, “Oh, that should do it.”

      In this instance, however, fate's answer came not via the form of satellite, but rather, the president of the punch club, a red Grarrl with a red mohawk, a tunic, and a glass of punch in his right hand, a Grarrl who just entered the shop.

      "Dude! Punch club guy! How have you been!" yelled the easily distracted EPC to his incoming friend.

      “Ah, my dear friend," he responded. "I have been doing well. The club's been going fine, though we have been missing your prese-"

      Noticing the other Wocky now, the Grarrl averted his friendly and warm gaze from the orange Wocky and, transforming it into a dark cold gaze, gave it to the blue Wocky instead.

      "I apologize, my easy-to-excite friend, but for now, my focus is on another. I have a recently obtained rival I must deal with."

      "Dude! You have a rival too! What a coincidence! So does my friend that you’re staring at for some reason!"

      “Ah, you do not get it? Well, I suppose it is up to me to reveal that the two of us are now the enemies of the other, then," the Grarrl said.

      “Wait, what, really?”

      "Ha, yeah," the astronomy leader said. "You know that I'm not the type to hold a grudge, but this guy just makes my blood boil."

      "Ha yourself, puny Wocky!"

      “You jerk! Just because we're always looking up at the stars doesn't mean we're puny!"

      "Real Neopets drink punch outdoors! Lots and lots of punch! They don't spend their time cooped up in a building looking through their needlessly fancy telescopes."

      "What!? There is a lot more to astronomy than that! It's about discovering what lies beyond our world, about seeing what else this universe has to offer, and about seeing what the stars have to say to us."

      "BWAHAHAHAH! What the stars have to SAY to us? What do they like to talk about?"

      The EPC Wocky butted in. "Stars can TALK? Holy wow, dude! You never said anything about that before!"

      "I don’t think so, my friend. Do I detect a little craziness in this astronomy club leader?” The Grarrl asked.

      "Well, as a professional, I can tell you for a fact that it has nothing to do with insanity," said a blue Blumaroo wearing a doctor's coat that suddenly appeared onto the scene. "You see, as her doctor, I can say safely that she has no disorders whatsoever. Well, official disorders, at least."

      "Oh, hey Dr. Gramarye," the astronomy leader said. Turning back to the Grarrl, she then said, "See?"

      "So stars really DO talk?" the EPC Wocky asked.

      "Wait a second, here!" the Grarrl yelled. "I wish to know how you just appeared like that."

      "Ah, yes, my hobby," the Blumaroo replied. "I greatly enjoy learning the art of the magician, even more so because it helps me when I'm needed in times like these."

      "That hardly explains anything, you know. I ask that you please tell me exactly how you were capable of doing that feat."

      "The secrets of fate and its impatience aren't for any ears, you know."

      "I'm afraid that I have absolutely no idea of what you're talking about."

      "I'm sorry, but a magician never reveals his secrets."

      Ignoring the Grarrl's scowling, the doctor asked the group, "Now then, are there any more questions?"

      "Yes, actually," the EPC Wocky said. "You said that there were no official problems with this gal over here. Does that mean she's unofficially crazy or something?"

      "No, nothing of the sort. Nothing of the sort at all. It's just that..." Taking a few seconds to gather his thoughts, he faced the blue Wocky, looking at her straight in the eyes.

      "I’ll be blunt with you. You have what a few experts call ‘Everythingistoonormalitus’.”

      The blue Wocky just stood there and blinked.


      "Yes. It is a horrible illness that's a result of the fear that everything is going too perfectly, and that eventually, something horrible has to happen. Most medical experts call it hogwash, but I believe it to be something horrible. There is no perfect cure for this now, but if one comes along I will inform of you ASAP."

      "Oh, er, thanks, Doctor. Don't worry, I'm sure that I should... I mean, that I will be fine," she replied with a bit of uncertainty in her voice.

      "Very well then. Now, if that's the last question, I must take my leave. One of my faerie patients is about to ask her sick friend how contagious neoflu is, and, even though I know that she won't like the answer, I must fulfill my duty."

      Disappearing from sight, he left the others somewhat confused, until the two presidents remembered what was happening before the doctor showed up.

      "Crazy weakling!" the Grarrl yelled.

      "Classless punch guzzler!" the blue Wocky countered.

      "Dudes!" the orange Wocky intervened. "Is there any way we can convince each other that everybody has a little bit of awesome inside of them?

      "No!" they both yelled.

      "Well, maybe this will take some time. Tell you what. Next time I see one of you guys in a club meeting, we ca-"

      The realization that both presidents just got was the reverse epitome of tubular.

      "What!" they both exclaimed. "He's in your club too!?"

      "Of course!" The Grarrl managed to get out first. "Somebody with such a great sense of thirst... he was destined to drink punch with the best!"

      "He's one of my best members," the astronomy club leader got out right after. "He's so great at discovering new constellations."

      "Well, I can't have him running around with my worst enemy, can I?" the Grarrl asked.

      "I agree completely," the other club leader replied.

      EPC panicked. "Dudes, are you tossing me out of your clubs?"

      "Of course not!" the two leaders, once again, said at the same time.

      A moment of silence followed.

      "My extreme potato friend, I ask that you please abandon this insane Neopet and dedicate yourself to the true art of drinking punch!" the Grarrl requested.

      "No, no! Stay with us, EPC! Let's spend our time gazing at the stars, discovering what shapes they form!" the blue Wocky said.

      EPC didn't know what to do.

      "Um, dudes, do I have to figure this out right now? Can you, like, give me some time?"

      "The choice isn't obvious?" the Grarrl asked.

      "I can't say anything about brute-y over there, but I'll give you a little time to make your decision." the astronomy club leader said.

      “Yes, I suppose you should have some time to make your decision! Do not take forever, though! By the end of the day I wish to learn if you are a friend or a traitor."

      “I'm not too worried, though," the other leader said. "I know that, in the end, you'll choose the right side."

      Laughing, the Grarrl said, "That matches exactly what I was thinking!"

      Inching closer to the Grarrl, the blue Wocky replied, "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, the-"

      Noticing the Grarrl's powerful claws and thinking about her recent diagnosis of “Everythingistoonormalitus”, she stepped back a bit before continuing.

      "The astronomy club is the best!"

      "Ha! You truly are a weakling!"

      "Look, dudes," the Orange Wocky said. "I'll just... step outside for a little while before getting back to you two."

      Right as he was about to leave, he turned to the shopkeeper and said "Hope you don't mind if I take my food on the road, shopkeeper dude."

      "Not at all, friend! I hope you make good decision!"

      Dashing out, the orange Wocky walked around pointlessly, with no idea what do to.

      "Man, this is worse than that one time that I had to choose between potato chips and potato fries," the confused Wocky thought to himself. "Look. I just have to totally relax my mind and stuff. I make bogus choices when I'm worried. TO LEGENDARY PETPETS!"

      "I'm sorry, sir," the owner of the Legendary Petpets place said to EPC when he got there. "But we're out of stock right now. Please come again!"


      “Fear not. I shall wait here to get your petpet of desire," said the Grarrl that was right next to him.

      “Ha, try your best, Grarrl. There’s no faster haggler than me!" said the blue Wocky to the other side of the Orange one.

      "Dudes!" EPC exclaimed. "I thought I was getting time to make my decision!"

      "Oh, you are, my friend, you are," responded the Grarrl. "I just did not want you to forget why I am such a good ally to have."

      "Good ally to have?" the Wocky replied. "Come on, EPC. You know that I'm always there for you. Who was the one that helped you in your decision to choose between potato chips and potato fries?"

      "It was you, dude. Still. Can I be left for my own for a little while? I want to make sure to make the right choice, you know?"

      "Oh, I totally know what you mean," said the other Wocky.

      "If you desire it, I shall let you be on your own as well. Just do not forget to decide who your real friend is."

      "Right, dudes. I'll get right on that."

      As the day passed on, the two presidents proved that they could not keep a promise. They were clearing the stray rocks when he headed towards the archives, they were suggesting the best books to him to read when he got there, and, when the EPC was about to ignore a “DO NOT SWIM EVER” sign, they fought to be his swimming partner (Though, the astronomy club leader's “Everythingistoonormalitus” was really getting to her, as she seemed paranoid to actually touch the water). The list of things they kept trying to do just kept going on after that.

      Eventually, the EPC Wocky, fed up, did one of the oldest tricks in the book. He shouted, "LOOK OVER THERE!" and, when both of them continued to look at him, he did something different and shouted, "LOOK STRAIGHT AT ME!" which, of course, caused them to look in the opposite direction. He took advantage of this and dashed to someplace else, panting for his breath while still wondering what he was going to do.

      "Dude..." he thought to himself. "How am I supposed to figure out who to choose?"

      "Great Wocky friend! You look like you need help! So I am here to help!"

      The EPC Wocky looked up with shock, and saw the Skeith shopkeeper right there.

      "Dude! How'd you get here?"

      "Like Blumaroo doctor, I also study to be magician!"

      "Dude, that's AWESOME! So what sort of awesome trick did you use?"

      "I am sorry, Wocky. Magicians not supposed to discuss secrets."

      "Aw... well, in that case let's do something awesome and figure this out! What should I do, dude?"

      "Blue Wocky mentioned talking to stars, yes?"

      "Oh, yeah, I think she did."

      "Well then, maybe orange Wocky need to talk to stars for answer!"

      "Dude! Brilliant answer! TO THE STARS!"

      Moving quickly to the Hall of Heroes, the two Neopets found their way to the observatory. The Wocky was looking into his telescope, hoping to find some answers.

      "Alright, dude. I’ve never heard of talking stars before, so you’ve gotta help me. Where should I look?"

      "Well, talking requires mouth, yes? So find shape of stars that are like mouth, and you should find the talker!"

      "Yet another smart idea, dude!"

      He gazed at the stars, hoping to find the talker.

      "I see some stars that look like an apple. Is that good for something?"

      "Unless you wish to keep magician doctor at bay from you, no.”

      "Oh! There's some stars that look like a door."

      "Good only if you want to keep stars out of our planet."

      "Oh! That looks a lot like that battle of Meridell! You got some generals there, and then there's the fighters there, and there's that crazy bat dude!"

      "You have enough battles for now. You come back to this battle when you finish battle between those two leaders. That way you still have battle and you avoid ‘Everythingistoonormalitus!’"

      "Oh! And this one looks like that Yurble janitor!"

      "That is because there is angry Yurble face is on the telescope lens."

      "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" the angry Yurble janitor raged. "YOU TWO ARE SO NOISY!”

      “Sorry, man. I just needed to get some answers from the stars."


      "Well, you see, orange Wocky has problem with two friends fighting. So orange Wocky looks at stars to solve problem!"

      "What? That's so SILLY!"

      "Dude, I don't know what else to do."

      "BLAAAARG! Just let me do this the right way then!”

      Forcing his way to the telescope, the Yurble hunted the sky in hopes of finding anything to rid him of these menaces. All he could find was two sets of stars: One that looked kind of like a box, and another right outside of it that kind of looked like a Wocky’s face.

      "Oh, I hear the stars! They're talking right to me!" he claimed.

      "Dude, really? I can't hear them! They need to speak up!"

      "NO, YOU WOCKY. THEY... they only want me to hear them."

      "Oh, that's very logical, man. So, what are they saying?"

      "They’re saying that... you need to... think differently. The stars are telling me that you need to... think outside the box."

      "Think outside the box, man? What sort of crazy idea do I need?"


      "Aw, is that all the stars had to say, man? I'm still sunk, dude."

      "Wocky friend," the Skeith said, "I think the stars say enough. You need another solution. Think carefully.”

      The Wocky thought hard about it. Having to choose between his two friends... that actually wasn't the problem at all. The problem was that his two friends were in a huge fight. That was the problem. The solution to that would have to be...

      "Dude! I got a lightning bolt of inspiration! Quick, I need your help for this to work!" Turning to the Yurble, he said, "Dude, tell the stars that I say thanks." Turning towards the exit, he yelled a dramatic "TO THE EXQUISITE AMBROSIA!"


      Back at the restaurant that this all started at, the EPC was with his fighting friends. The owner of the place was busy cooking up lots of food.

      "Man, this Fancy Cheese Platter stuff is so tasty! I don't even know how many I've had so far!"

      "Seventeen, my gluttonous foe, but that's not important at all right now," the Grarrl said. "So, Wocky, have you made your decision yet?"

      "Well, actually, dude..."

      "I have another several Fancy Cheese Platters for blue Wocky!" the friendly Skeith interrupted.

      "Why does she get all of this delicious food for free?” the Grarrl angrily asked.

      "She seems worried about ‘Everythingistoonormalitus’. Such worry does no Neopet any good. She needs food to keep mind on better things!"

      "Ah, yes, that illness. Well, I will admit that this food has caused her to stop humorously stressing about it.”

      "Oh man, oh man, oh man. I love this stuff!"

      The blue Wocky kept stuffing her face with more and more cheese while the Grarrl kept trying to press his question.

      "So, Mr. EPC, which is it, me or her?"

      "Mes. Me more him, MPC," the astronomy leader said despite her words being muffled with the food in her mouth.

      "Well, dudes, the thing is..."

      "Come on, plan," EPC was thinking, "work work work work woooork."

      "My decision is that..."

      "Yes?" the Grarrl asked.

      "Mmfes?" the Wocky asked.

      "I decide that..."

      "MO! Mait A secom!" the blue Wocky yelled. Spitting out her food, she was holding her stomach.

      "Uuuuuug... my stomach... way too bloated."

      "Dude! I this can only mean one thing!" EPC exclaimed. "You must have eat too much food and thus have gotten... Bloaty Belly!"

      "No! Did I really eat that much!"

      "Ha! You did indeed eat too much,” the Grarrl joyfully said.

      "Noooo! Something... did finally go wrong. So wrong."

      "Alright, there's part one," EPC thought. "Now, the Grarrl's all logical and stuff, so here's hoping for part two..."

      "Ha! Why are you so worried?" the Grarrl asked.

      "What do you mean? I just got Bloaty Belly, that's what! I just knew something was going to happen, and it did..."

      "And? This ‘Everythingistoonormalitus’... the fear it was causing you surely is nothing compared to a little bloaty belly."

      A light bulb clicked in her head.

      "Oh my goodness... you're right! Aha, you're so right! My ‘everythingistoonormalitus’... is gone! Haha! Thanks for pointing that out!"

      "Do not think that this flattery will help you lower my gua-"

      "No, I think I may had you wrong! You might not be dumb after all! Look, I'm sorry I judged you like that."

      "Dude, this is an awesome opportunity, and I approve!" EPC said.

      "Well, I do not," the Grarrl said. "She is still a crazy lunatic that believes in talking stars."

      "Back to that?" she said. "Give me a chance to explain what I mean about that, please."

      "Well, since you did ask so nicely, I will spare a little time to hear this."

      A few hours later...

      "So, if you ever get healthy for long again, just go there and stay for a while. Meuka loves spending much of his time hanging out there, and once you run into him, there's no way you can leave perfectly fine."

      "Oh, wow. That'll come in handy. Thanks for the information, Mr. Punch."

      "Ah, it was no problem, Mrs. Stars."

      The EPC was looking at them with joy.

      "So, dudes, you're friends now?"

      "Friends may not be the proper term, but we certainly do not dislike each other now," the Grarrl said.

      “Yeah. I totally jumped to the wrong conclusion about him. He really knows about nearly everything!"

      "Dude, I know! I never knew that secret about Balthazar's secret stash of bottled faeries in Faerieland!"

      “Ah, I have always put pride in myself for my wide range of knowledge. Which is why I'm glad I know more about this whole star 'speaking' thing now. There is a lot of intrigue in it."

      "Heh, thank you very much."

      "So, dudes, does this mean that... I can stay in both clubs?"

      "Ah? Oh yes, I did forget about that," the Grarrl admitted. "But of course. At this point, I see no problem with that."

      "And, of course, neither do I. Sorry about putting you though all that in the first place."

      "Dude, everything's OK now, and that's all that matters."


      "Oh yeah, dudes. Everything's so fine right now that I just want to shout out HURRAY!"

      "HURRAY!" the Skeith shopkeeper said.

      "HURRAY!" the blue Wocky said.

      "HURRAY!" the red Grarrl said.

      "HURRAY!" the angry Yurble janitor said, which was weird because he was nowhere near the others at this time.


      Therefore, excluding the Yurble, the day ended with everybody happy.

      After reading all of this, you may ask yet again, "What’s so good about Altador?"

      What fate would say is... well, actually, fate's been drinking some nice calming tea for the past few days and as a result hasn't been nearly as impatient.

      That's fine. The answer to a question like that isn't one that can be answered instantly. It's only that only can be experienced. Only after you actually delve yourself into the place and get involved in a zany adventure there can you understand why it's so incredibly awesome.

The End

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


Adorable, I Say
Grow up? How about level up.

by pestilencexcore


Just Our Luck
Look before you leap...

by kzoolaur


The Dark Spooky Cave
They say there's a MONSTER there!

Also by painless_j

by bripha


"Look, Hai, I don't know what's wrong with you..." she said, exasperated. "I swear, I'm just going to get it over with and paint you baby."

by the_lovely_plum

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.